I feel so bloody guilty (dog death relates )

[bendigedigg]

Full disclosure my 1st language is Welsh and my written English is not brilliant so apologies if it doesn't flow.

On sunday my mum went on holiday, she told me she had had a few scares with her dog but he was ok and would be happy with me. He is 17, we all live on the same farm and sometimes we stay in the same house but she likes her own space and so do we as farming is hard bloody work

I got to her house a little late than expected the traffic was v busy and I was honestly so incredibly sad by the stare of her dog.

She had left the back door open (accident. We need to discuss that when she's home), and the house was silent when I walked in. I had 2 of my dogs with me who he loves. One is a litter mate. Of her dog.

I found him sat outside; under the bench she had and he was very confused but worse than that he was absolutely emaciated.

I saw him 2 weeks ago and he was a little Ribby (hope that's the word to use? ) he you could see his back ribs but he was ok.

When I got him the house I could see every vertebrae in jos back, every rib was his hip bones.

The first thing I did was call the vet (we all use the same farm vet) and for the first time ever I told him I was coming in with a dog. They usually see the dog when they see the sheep but I didn't want to waste time.

As we drive to the vet I rang my mum and she said 'oh yes he has lost weight but I put him in the barn to catch some mice and he must have caught a cold.. no.

I go to vet and he said they had told her by x ray that he had stomach cancer spread to his lungs and he had limited time. The vet was shocked at the weight loss in a week (2kg) and I had to ask my mum for permission to put him to sleep. She said yes as the vet said he would be likely to die within 24 hours realistically, she had last week been told he had days to live

I spoke to mum and she said she didn't cancel her holiday because she wanted me to make the decision for him and her. I feel so upset and angry at her. How dare she put me in that position.

Aibu ? That she left her 17 years old dog to go on holiday knowing that he would deteriorate and I would have to make this decision.

It sounds like you have formed a rational plan and your mother will be better off at your sisters.
I grew up on a farm and the 'motto' we grew up with was that animals should have a great life and a good death. The minute they were suffering the vet was called to put them to sleep, whether we were ready to let them go wasn't even a consideration.
I am sat here with my two beautiful spaniels (both fighting for space on my lap....they think they are chihuahuas!) and I can't imagine buggering off on holiday knowing they were living their last days without me, dogs give us their everything and to me there is something particularly cold about a person who can do that after 17 years of companionship.
I hope you get to the root of your mother's personality changes, dementia might be an easier pill to swallow than her just not giving a shit.

I really don’t think you should let your mum come home to no dog and a new place to live.

Im sorry she did this to you and the dog. It is cruel.

But you have talked about a personality change and possible dementia. If she’s not usually like this and would usually take good care of animals and consider you then what she did was perhaps due to cognitive decline. Perhaps she couldn’t cope. I’m assuming your dad (her husband) has passed and the dog might have linked into to all that grief too.

If she comes home and has the grief of losing her dog of 17 years and her house, you and your husband angry, it could trigger her to decline much faster.

It was an awful thing to do but she sounds desperate and confused rather than deliberately cruel.

Get her some support and work through her moving slowly and with her consent rather than her come home to a done deal.

If however she has done stuff like this to other animals or to you as her daughter and it’s a pattern then do whatever.

So sorry you are having to deal with all this. It’s sounds so hard.

Sending you a cwtch.

So the plan is for a woman who seems quite vulnerable to come home to having been evicted and her beloved dog has died. This is really awful and lacking any compassion. You say her personality has done a 180 but your husband has no compassion for her? May he never live to know what the onset of dementia is like...this is a really cruel way to deal with moving a vulnerable woman.

Well that’s fine but that’s not what you said. What you said was that your husband wants her out because he has deemed her cruel to animals.

The fact is that op has made a decision which is best for her and her family and her pets. Posters here need to stop guilt tripping because they have no understanding of how farming works.

This could have effected her reputation and local connections which the farm industry still heavily relies on, her whole livelihood, if somebody had accused the farm of having emaciated dogs on it or the RSPCA had been called out etc. You simply can't do things that would damage your business in this way without risking losing it. Farming is already hard enough.

Remote farms in Wales aren't up twee country lanes. They are up mountains (that isn't a joke) you can die simply by walking off and getting lost even in fair weather. Op replied to me saying my house was like hers, mountain rescue saved several people from just behind my house. The farm was well hidden so even if you are near it you can't see it with vast vast unfenced moorland going for miles in every direction and a forest with only a few twisting unmarked paths in the other, used solely by the loggers who work the forest every decade or so.

Not to mention in winter these places get deep snow. It was minus 18 c on my farm the last winter I spent there. There are not many places in the UK where just the remoteness and weather can kill you. If her mother got lost, wondered off or had a fall she would likely not be found. She might not even be noticed missing for several days. Op can't abandon her responsibility on the farm to police her mother, particularly as it gets dark at about 4pm now.

Add to this things like her mother leaving the back door open, dangerous livestock and farm machinery and you have a recipe something happening sooner or later.

I actually had to ban people with children from my farm because of this lack of awareness. They would treat it like it was a safe petting zoo, and fine just to just leave the kids walk around. Or let them wonder off to play in the forest. The nievety and stupidity begs belief.