I feel so bloody guilty (dog death relates )

[bendigedigg]

Full disclosure my 1st language is Welsh and my written English is not brilliant so apologies if it doesn't flow.

On sunday my mum went on holiday, she told me she had had a few scares with her dog but he was ok and would be happy with me. He is 17, we all live on the same farm and sometimes we stay in the same house but she likes her own space and so do we as farming is hard bloody work

I got to her house a little late than expected the traffic was v busy and I was honestly so incredibly sad by the stare of her dog.

She had left the back door open (accident. We need to discuss that when she's home), and the house was silent when I walked in. I had 2 of my dogs with me who he loves. One is a litter mate. Of her dog.

I found him sat outside; under the bench she had and he was very confused but worse than that he was absolutely emaciated.

I saw him 2 weeks ago and he was a little Ribby (hope that's the word to use? ) he you could see his back ribs but he was ok.

When I got him the house I could see every vertebrae in jos back, every rib was his hip bones.

The first thing I did was call the vet (we all use the same farm vet) and for the first time ever I told him I was coming in with a dog. They usually see the dog when they see the sheep but I didn't want to waste time.

As we drive to the vet I rang my mum and she said 'oh yes he has lost weight but I put him in the barn to catch some mice and he must have caught a cold.. no.

I go to vet and he said they had told her by x ray that he had stomach cancer spread to his lungs and he had limited time. The vet was shocked at the weight loss in a week (2kg) and I had to ask my mum for permission to put him to sleep. She said yes as the vet said he would be likely to die within 24 hours realistically, she had last week been told he had days to live

I spoke to mum and she said she didn't cancel her holiday because she wanted me to make the decision for him and her. I feel so upset and angry at her. How dare she put me in that position.

Aibu ? That she left her 17 years old dog to go on holiday knowing that he would deteriorate and I would have to make this decision.

Wtf?

I have been worried about dementia, she has been leaving doors open and other things. I'm going have to involve social services if needed because she won't speak to me about it. But I will also call the rspca. I don't know if I need to call defra? She is on our farm and this happened on our farm so I'm unsure. DH is absolutely tamping and I'm going to follow his lead on this yes she's old and yes she might have dementia but this is so out of character. The weight loss was rapid but she had ample chance last week to be with him and do the right thing. I'll update when I have a plan

Thank you all x

Oh and I won't be a doing a Godfather esq dog in the bed thing because that's sick

In all honesty, someone with dementia does not go on holiday. They can't cope with all the sudden changes in the daily routine associated with vacations.

Your mother is an awful person and if a parent of mine did that (they wouldn't) I would be cutting all further contact with them. I would listen to your husband on this, and get her off the farm.

We have the power to give our animals a gentle and dignified end, in a way we can't do with our humans (in the UK, at least). I firmly believe we should exercise that power every time.
Obvs, she's behaved appallingly.

Thats fucking awful. Look at how precious he was too :(

OP, I’m so sorry you have had this traumatic experience.

I think I would ask MNHQ to take the picture down though.

I am so, so sorry you had to go through this, it sounds very distressing and sad.

I had to jump in at the mention of dementia as lack of care for animals was an early sign in my mum even though she was still living independently at the time and continued to do so for a while afterwards.

She was a huge animal lover and grew up on a farm. She would never have hesitated to have an animal put to sleep before. But she adopted a cat that pooed everywhere and was clearly unwell and she just couldn’t see anything was wrong. We had to confiscate it to take it to the vets and have it put to sleep as it was riddled with cancer. It was heart breaking.

Losing empathy is also a sign, so if your mum does have dementia she may not have understood the impact of her behavior on you or the dog.

She might also not have been able to take on the medical information about the dog. My dad was also ill at the same time and Mum just couldn’t take in anything about his illness. Even though she was still pretty well in many other ways.

We had worried for a while about her behavior and memory, but the cat was the final straw in seeking a diagnosis as it was so out of character.

I think if you have doubts in other areas about her memory and behavior then absolutely worth exploring whether it might be dementia. Particularly if this is out of character. First step is usually with her GP.

Sorry to raise this in what must be such a distressing time anyway. I just couldn’t read and run and not mention this. As after diagnosis so many of mum’s strange and out of character behaviors made sense and I wish I had known sooner what was wrong.

I’m a vet. You don’t need to call defra

Oh, OP this is so sad. Well done you for making sure that little one had as peaceful a death as possible in the (appalling) circumstances.

We just had to have our beloved dog put to sleep last week after his lymphoma spread to his lungs. It was heartbreaking but we did it well before he ended up in the state your mother’s poor dog was in. I’m so sorry. When our boy went to sleep for the last time my husband and I were both holding him on a blanket in his favourite spot outside. He was calm and knew he was loved in his final moments - he was looking into my eyes right before his closed and I could see that it was comforting him to have me stroking his ears. It still broke my heart and j cannot fathom how your mother could have abandoned her loyal friend to die alone (he could have died all alone out in the barn for all she knew or cared).

You are not wrong to be furious with her and she has no business owning animals if this is how she treats them.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this x

The rspca won't do anything. I think you should investigate dementia if she's been showing signs. If she does have dementia then she may not be responsible for her behaviour. Her behaviour doesn't sound rational and she's clearly looked after the dog for the preceding 17 years so something has changed.

I agree with this, it may not be everyone's experience of dementia but it is for some. The poster who said she can't have it because she wouldn't be going on holiday is wrong, it's really not that simple. Her avoidance of the problem and the fact it's very out of character are relevant, along with the forgetfulness you mentioned.

I agree with everyone who has said what a horrible experience for the poor dog and also for you to have had to cope with. However, if your mum isn't usually cruel, I think you should do all you can to find out why she has acted like this before assuming she's a completely different person from what you thought, as she has behaved in this unexpectedly awful way.

If it turns out that she is unwell, she has the same need for kindness and compassion as her poor little dog, and I'm sure you'd want to do all you can to make sure she's looked after.

@bendigedigg A friend mentioned an old man with Dementia who was cruel to his pet Lurcher.

Hitting and kicking the dog as the dogs g was messing in the house because the man was not letting the poor dog out or walking him.
The man’s son had the step in.

Dementia can lead to cruelty.
BUT NOT ALWAYS!

An elderly woman with Dementia has a very old Whippet (17) a rescue who was rescued by her when she was younger and fit.

She has daily carers and family in who exercise him.

Dementia might be present if there is a falling off in your mother’s usual behaviour.

A very good medical person we knew died of early onset dementia- the first signs were going through red lights.

Normally a very careful driver.

It’s an awful disease.

This is a really good point.

Mae’n ddrwg gennyf eich bod wedi profi hyn. Byddwch yn garedig I chi ch hun. Pa beth ofnadwy sydd ganddi fone. Dylai fod wedi cael I gysgu cyb iddi fynd ar wyliau x

This had made me cry.

17 years old, dying of cancer, sat alone under a bench and made to 'catch mice to eat?'

I'm sorry but she's an absolute bitch.

Ddim yn OK. Mae'n flin gyda fi 💚

A finnau hefyd.

💐

WTAF are you being serious?
😫

Whilst it's not really excusable, it's very hard to make that final decision, it was us a month ago and thankfully the decision was made for us by a seizure/stroke not recoverable from. Many people struggle to tell the vet to go ahead though I would have thought farmers were better at it to be honest! Don't be too harsh on her, loosing your loved pet it tough

Another one leaking here.

Nothing useful to add but sending sympathy - such an awful situation and with possible future ramifications if there is dementia in the mix.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and for the poor little chap. So glad you were there for him though.

So sorry for your loss OP and yes it's awful of your mother and yes she should have told you. She probably was struggling with an incredibly difficult decision but this isn't the way to handle it

I had someone do the exact same to me with a horse. No dementia, previous career suggested they should have been fairly robust about making a PTS decision. I still wonder what in the hell they were thinking!

This was what I thought? And leaving the back door open.

I can’t think how anyone could be so cruel. Is this completely out of character?

Not excusing just trying to make sense in why someone would be so cruel to a family dog they’ve had for that long.