Ex help so I can take kids to Disney?

[Honeymonster2]

What's your opinion on this scenario...

Had a family holiday booked before we broke up to disneyland, we decided to still go until recently when we've kind of said we can't afford the original booking.

Fast forward to now, things are a bit less harmonious between us than they had been before but not all rows and arguments.

I messaged asking if I downgraded the hotel package would he still like to all go, I would cover it, but he would need to cover some of the food when we're out there. He said no, but if I wanted to go with the kids he won't be upset. I said ok, if you're sure, could you look after the baby and maybe the toddler too, so I can take our older children (8 and 6) as if I had any more of the kids, we wouldn't be able to access much of the rides etc as I would be heavily outnumbered by really young kids. He said no I won't take time off work so you can go on holiday. I said, well it's not really me off on my Jolly's it's so the kids can go to disneyland and he said no, don't go down that route...

Am I being selfish? I do love disney, but I would also look after my kids so the older ones could have an amazing experience too as long as the younger ones had something amazing to make up for it. But he's flat out said no, hinting because I'm selfish?

BG - he has the children at my house every other weekend, I have all 4 the rest of the time. We agreed to be friendly and helpful to each other in the breakup, but the cracks are starting to show now I have a new boyfriend.

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i mean it would be a nice thing to do but presumably he’s a lazy parent and that’s part of the reason he’s an ex

I can see his point if he's having to take time off work, in his shoes I'd rather take time off with all the kids to do something with them, and I can also understand him not wanting to come with you if you are separated.

I can also understand the challenge you would face solo, as we are a large family. Is it an option to bring another adult with you to help - a friend or family member? Or could you postpone the trip for a year or 2 until the little ones are a bit bigger and the older ones more independent?

No one needs to go to Disney land
Save it for later or take a friend to help you
Why dies he have dc at yourhouse

So I would stop the contact at your house for starters. Put boundaries in place he needs to look after his own children independently. He seems to cherry pick when
to be helpful and by that I mean when it suits him.

I think it might be better to go on a holiday that you can manage with all the DC, and maybe save Disney until they're all older (or just not, it's not compulsory and sounds like it will be a financial strain to go).

Whilst he probably is a twat in other areas (or he wouldn't be an ex), I don't actually think he's been unreasonable on this one. He only get so much annual leave, and probably wants or needs to save it for other things, like holidays for himself and the kids or covering his share of school holidays. It also wouldn't be much fun dealing with a week of "it's not fair, I want Disney" from the toddler, and an upset baby that away from its primary carer for longer then its use to.

Fine if he wants clear boundaries you need to implement them across the board.

1. He needs contact with the children away from your house.

1. You need to agree holidays upfront. He needs to have ALL of them for x weeks a year.

1. Do you work? If not get a job and he can pick up some of the childcare responsibilities in the week

when he says he wants cooperative coparenting he doesn’t mean him helping you, silly, just for you to accommodate him.

you need boundaries in place. He needs to sort out his own way to have contact with the children, it should not be in your place. It doesn’t matter if his place is to small or he is staying with family or couch surfing etc. it is his problem to sort out.

having said that, there is no way for you to make him parent his own children or help you out so you need to get used to that and come up with your own coping mechanisms. It sucks, he is the selfish one, but that’s likely the way he will remain.

Problem is, he wouldn't take time off to have all of them either lol he took time off to take his gf and her daughter to birmingham for 5 days and I had to remind him he could be taking days for his own children lol

I do fully understand that and I would feel guilty him taking time 'for me' but he won't be taking time off in any of the school holidays that's down to me

So you have four children and it's all down to you.
Unfortunately if you have expectations and ask for him to contribute to raising his own children and he refuses it's so maddening it can make you feel ill. I remember being overwhelmed with resentment and incredulity at the unfairness of it all.
Agree his contact is his problem. Don't go out of your way to accommodate him and make all arrangements as to what best suits you.

It seems to me that now is the point you put in new boundaries , agree when he is having all the children and stick to it and that means him taking them elsewhere not sitting at yours . Cancel this holiday unless you can find another adult to step into his shoes and accompany you .

I don't think you're beimg unreasonable, but it sounds like he won't budge on this. I'd cancel and see where things are in a years time.

Have you got any other adults you could invite, your mum / dad or a sibling?

Disneyland was always going to be a struggle with 4 though

You need some rock hard boundaries now. Stop the contact at your house, he picks them up and takes them out. He pays for everything whilst he has them - not raiding your fridge for food and buys the baby and toddler things he needs pushchair etc.

You need to disengage from him too, by all means rant and rave into a diary or to a friend about the cheapskate taking his gf and her child away but don't get involved with what he does. You have a set contact schedule, you pass on when the children grow so he can buy appropriate clothes and you let him know if they have eaten or had medication that day. Clear boundaries are essential at the beginning, you can become more flexible in a few years when everything settles.

We've had an argument tonight because he's found out the person I'm seeing has met the kids more than he realised (I told him before they met him, and before he stayed the night for the first time.) But now he knows our youngest has spent a lot of time around the new guy while the older ones are at school. He says I should have told him and I'm a joke, a nasty cunt and selfish.

He's now not having all the children this weekend as planner and he has said he will take only 2 of them for the day on Sunday. I said no, it should be all of them and he's said well you want to go to Disney with only 2 so what's the difference. I said I only considered that so I would cope better abroad... he said its no difference and he'll take the other two out next time. He's leaving the oldest behind this time... he's nearly 8 and will definitely know he's being left out.

Am I wrong? How much do you tell your exes about new partners and how often they see the children and what you do together?

Don't ask any favours ever it never benefits you or kids with someone like that.

Either cancel/put Disney on hold , or take someone with you or ask ((if possible) grandparents to have younger two

Don't let him start messing you around he picks up all kids on agreed times or he doesn't bother.

Do maintenance through cms so he can't use it to threaten you.

Honestly, I don't think either of you should be introducing your children to people you are in a relationship with until you fully know the person and are 100% sure it's a serious relationship. Having a new boyfriend be anywhere near a baby or toddler is very weird to me, other people might disagree but basic safeguarding would stop most people from letting a random man come anywhere near their very young children, regardless if they were in a relationship or not.

How recently did you break up, being that you had a holiday booked before the break up but you both already have new partners? Since you aren't really getting along together (and he's not being helpful at all!) it probably wouldn't be a great idea to travel together. Do you have another adult - your parent/sibling/friend who could help instead? Might be more enjoyable for you that way.

He’s a pathetic excuse for a father if he won’t take holiday to look after all his kids in the school holidays or take them away himself. You aren’t unreasonable to be annoyed at him or upset for your kids and it’s no wonder he’s an ex. But him not taking time off work to look after two pre-schoolers so you can take the older ones on a dream holiday is a bit lower down the scale and isn’t something most people would expect of their ex.

4 children with someone is a massive commitment so why you're both introducing new partners to such young children is baffling.

It sounds like you're both quite young wit having 4 children 8 and under but in new relationships quickly, going to Disney when you can't afford it etc

Split up in January...

It’s sad your aim to stay friendly hasn’t worked - but don’t give up just yet.

It’s worth persevering to keep the relationship harmonious.

As difficult as it is when someone lashes out, it sounds like you’ve criticised his choices too (going on holiday with his new gf).

Maybe try to step back and ‘start again’ to try and reset the friendship for the kids?

Very soon for new partner to be introduced to DC. However, he too has a new partner, have DC met her?

The pair of you are making a right mess of this aren't you?
Broke up in January and already have new partners that you've introduced to your children?
Poor kids must be all over the place.
You and your ex need to grow up, put your kids first and put some boundaries in place instead of worrying about bloody Disneyland.

So if you've only been split up since January, why have your kids even met the "new guy" let alone spent a considerable amount of time with him?

Neither of you are covering yourselves in glory here.