Differences in wedding traditions

[Azureal]

I'm getting married next summer, it's second time round for both of us. We're quite different people, from different backgrounds (both British but different upbringings) but we work well together. Despite being aware of our differences, I've been quite surprised to find we have very different views on certain wedding traditions. In each case, I've never heard of/been to a wedding like he describes it, and he says he's never heard of/been to a wedding like I describe it. We'll compromise on what's important to the other and find a way to blend our traditions but I'm interested to know what wider Mumsnetters think and which of us is more the outlier!

So:

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

I think these are preferences, rather than traditions.

Apart from bridesmaids following. Preceding is American.

Yes to parents being invited to hen and stag
Bridesmaids behind the bride

No experience of parents splitting up so I can't comment on that

No to parents on hen/stag.

Bride usually at the back with her dad.

Affair partner, depends on how long ago, if Other partner in relationship/re-married.

Usually no to ex at wedding.

But these are things which each partner can decide.

Each partner chooses who comes to their stag/hen.
Bride decides where she walks and with who.
Child of divorced parents decides if the affair wife comes, considers how the other parents feels about it.

with the ex, it should really only happen if both parties are happy with it, but also taking into account needs of the child concerned.

Up to each of you who you have your hen/stag do. I think that's personal preference. I do think parents who feel put out that they aren't invited are being silly.

Personally I'd have bridesmaids walking behind. But going in front does seem to be more common nowadays.

I'd say the child of the parents who have split up can decide. I'd lean towards inviting them, but it's such an individual circumstance around how long ago it was, how much it might upset the other parent, what the child's relationship with them is now etc etc.

No, if I had an ex who I had a child with I almost certainly wouldn't invite them.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do? - NO

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father? - BRIDESMAIDS FIRST

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married? - NO

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them? - NO

No parents on hen/stag do

Bridesmaids precede; am not American but the Bride accompanied is the last person up the aisle. This means that people fussing and not paying attention only miss the bridesmaid not the Bride!

Affair partner is banned, or risk the other parent being not wanting to be there. A wedding is a safe space, I don't care if you married after, you still had an affair. If the invitee decides its both or none, then they prioritise the affair partner over their kids (wedding no less), no surprise there.

Ex - no invite, the child is in the care of the marrying parent that day. Ex isn't required.

I've been to half and half weddings like this tbh (except the affair partner stuff, never known that situation).

But for you it doesn't matter what other people do. For you...
the hen stag stuff: the hen chooses who goes on the hen and the stag chooses who goes on the stag. The guest lists don't have to match.
The bride chooses the order of people going down the aisle.
Affair partners - depends on dynamics.
Ex (parent of child) - depends on dynamics, but generally I think the ex wouldn't want to attend. The child, if young, can be cared for by yourselves and the wider family. If the ex and the pair of you are genuinely great friends, then of course invite them.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do? No, but I don't think this is unusual. Depends on the relationship with your mum. I certainly wouldn't necessarily expect the in-law to be invited (but again I've seen this, I think it depends on the type of stag/hen - a golf day or spa day or whatever and you get on with your future mother/father in law? Sure. A weekend in Prague getting shitfaced? Probably not)

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father? I've seen both. Bridesmaids coming down the aisle usually for bigger weddings in my experience.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married? Not unless everyone still hates each other. If it's generally chill I'd assume it was fine.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them? Depends on the relationship. If you get on well, yeah why not - I've seen it happen. Or if it's going to be a big wedding/long day and the kids are small and might want a parent that isn't busy being married on hand, plus the relationship is generally good... sure. If it's acrimonious then obviously not.

Agree with @toomuchfaff except traditionally the bride is 1st down the aisle in the UK!

The bridal couple also need to protect others (eg mum, siblings) if there has been domestic abuse/ cruelty. It's naive to assume everyone can pretend happy families for a day if there have been major problems (hence why some couples may choose to elope in this situation!).

The hen/stag and parents would depend on the realtionship with the parent, the age and health of the parent and the plans. My mum came to mine when she was in her 40s and we basically went out for dinner, she probably wouldn't have come if we were having a weekend in Benidorm.

Bridesmaids follow the bride down the aisle.

I think the AP as a guest is tricky, but if enough time has passed that they're married, I'd like to think everyone could be civilised enough to make it work for a day. It would be odd not to invite your parent's spouse to your wedding, I think.

Ex being at the wedding is fine and good imo, whether there are children or not. Also OK not to invite them though.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?
I wouldn't expect but think it's nice. My mum and MIL came to the spa day bit of my hen do.

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
Bridesmaids follow.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?
I think it depends how long ago it all happened and how fraught the situation still is.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?
Absolutely not.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?

Mum, possibly, depending on her age, location and nature of hen do. Dad - no.

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

No opinion at all, realised we hadn't considered it about 30 seconds before walking down the aisle. Whatever makes you happy.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?

If it's all very recent, no, and I'd expect the parent who had the affair to understand. If it was 10+ years ago, I'd invite and expect both parents to manage to be civil to each other for one day

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

No unless you were the world's most amicable people, in which case why aren't you still together?

I wouldn't have a hen party so that wouldn't be an issue.

All the other things are personal preference, I think.

I've been to a wedding with my husband, and my ex-husband was also there.

Ex and I actually danced together, and so did current husband and me. It was fine, and neither bloke minded.

Advice - don't get bogged down in the detail with your fiancé. Compromise. That's the foundation of a good marriage anyway.

I don't think any of this is about tradition, and personally I would expect second weddings to be fairly low-key....so probably no bridesmaids except for the children of the bride and groom; low key hen/stag nights, a few friends out for a meal and a drink rather than than a week in Ibiza. Maybe lunch/drinks for family/close friends including mums and aunts.
I don't think it's appropriate to invite Exes unless they are friends with whom the bride and groom both intend to socialise, and it's up to the individuals if they feel they want to invite parent's new spouse.
I think the whole walking up the aisle with your Dad for a second marriage is just weird, he's already given the bride away once! I'd have thought most second marriages are in a registry office so there's no aisle there anyway! I think it makes more sense for the couple to walk up any aisle together. I don't think that a second marriage needs to be like a first marriage; it's less about show and more about substance, and 2 mature people finding happiness together. So I'd be saying no to white dresses and veils too.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?

No.

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

Either or, this is down to preference. Id assume it's a pretty traditional/fancy wedding if you're bothering with bridesmaids.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?

Yes.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

No.

Hen/stag? Maybe parents at dinner or a first activity, but would expect them to leave after that

processional? Screw tradition. DH and I walked down the aisle together. The whole father walking the bride down the aisle is bizarre.

affair partners? It depends on how fresh. If everything just happened and they got married the moment the ink dried on the divorce papers, then the affair partner is not invited. If it has been 20 years, it’s not time learn to live as an extended family.

inviting the ex to watch your child? Honestly, I wouldn’t be getting married if I already had a child unless it was a situation where my new spouse was going to adopt my child. My primary legal and financial obligations are to my child, so making a contract with a second person who doesn’t share that same priority doesn’t work.

‘Hen do’ 6 pals went out for a curry!
’Stag do’ My husband didn’t have one
Bridesmaid one only, went first on the way in, behind with best man on the way
out.
Parents can’t help you, they were still together. Scottish wedding, early ‘90’s.

Just do what you want. If that means you invite your Mum to your hen do but your fiance doesn't invite his Dad on his stag do it doesn't matter. Do what you want for your wedding.

As someone who got married 25 years ago I think the bridesmaids going first is lovely as you get to walk toward your fiance with all your sisters and mates smiling at you as you walk down the aisle. I had both my parents walk me down the aisle, luckily wide enough because genuinely both parents raised me, married, not separated, I had a hands on Dad which was great.

I think the affair partner can be tricky. I didn't do a traditional top table and I would hope that adults could suck it up for the sake of a wedding because this isn't just about a wedding, potentially this is also a christening, birthdays, graduations, future weddings. If they are now married then it becomes more complicated. I suppose this goes under the how much drama would each possibility cause. Invite, don't invite, invite but they don't come, don't invite and the parent decides not to come as has been posted about on here. Think through all the scenarios to that before making a decision. Test the waters with the cheated on person first too.

An ex who you share a child with? It would depend on how cordial the relationship was. It would be nice for the child to have their other parent there especially if their Mum or Dad was getting married.

1. depends on parents and type of events planned. If my daughters decided to have hen nights that involved pub crawls and male strippers, I wouldn't expect them to invite me (not least because they would know that I wouldn't want to go!)

2. bridesmaids follow the bride. Americans do it the other way round and I think some UK brides have seen so many American weddings on TV shows that they assume that's the way everyone does it.

3. depends! My step mother came to my wedding (as well as my mother) but there was no infidelity involved in my parents' divorce.

4. my husband's ex wife came to our wedding, bringing their child.

Stag/hen - invite siblings but not parents. My brother went to my DH's and I went to me SIL's.

My bridesmaids preceeded me. Flower girls, bridesmaids, me and my Dad

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?
From the hen dos I've seen, it's 50:50, although veering towards no (depends how "cool" the parents in question are...)

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
Traditionally they follow the bride, although it is becoming more common for them to precede the bride. I have never been to or heard of a wedding where they do neither.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?
Completely a personal decision rather than a matter of tradition. Including factors such as how long ago it was, and how well the bride/groom gets on with their new stepmother/stepfather.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?
No. I have never seen this happen.

Surely the taking mum on hen do depends on what youre doing? Spa day or similar - fine, mad night out out getting off your face in a big city - absolutely not.

Mine was the latter so my mum didn't attend 😄😄

Yes if they got on and the older people were up for it.
Follow bride and her dad/other male relative/mum If no dad.
No.
Yes if amicable.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do? Yes

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father? Follow

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married? No

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them? No

Just do what suits you! Bride being ‘given away’ by her father increasingly looks more and more like what it is, a ridiculous anachronism. Bridesmaids preceding/following is US/UK custom. Nearly everyone I know who married in the last 20 years didn’t have sex-segregated hen/stag dos, as most people don’t only have same sex friends, and often the couple share friends. Former affair partners and exes present to look after a child is going to depend very much on individual circumstance.