Differences in wedding traditions

[Azureal]

I'm getting married next summer, it's second time round for both of us. We're quite different people, from different backgrounds (both British but different upbringings) but we work well together. Despite being aware of our differences, I've been quite surprised to find we have very different views on certain wedding traditions. In each case, I've never heard of/been to a wedding like he describes it, and he says he's never heard of/been to a wedding like I describe it. We'll compromise on what's important to the other and find a way to blend our traditions but I'm interested to know what wider Mumsnetters think and which of us is more the outlier!

So:

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

I think the traditions thing is a bit if a red herring. You have different expectations and need to be able to have a grown up conversation about how to proceed. Making your dad give you away when neither you or your dad want to is nuts and you should be able to say this to DP.

I did bridesmaids in front as mine were aged 3 to 7 and it was easier to send them up the aisle looking cute, for immediate reward of chocolate buttons by their mums than expect them to behave following behind.

It had been touch and go whether the youngest would even wear her dress, needed a lot of bribery about being a princess.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do? My mum to mine, I invited my future MIL but wouldn't expect DH to invite my dad to his stag

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
bridesmaids in front or following th bride

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?
Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?
depends how recent the infidelity. If it was years ago, I'd invite both. If it was 6 months, I'd not. Also, it depends on how civilised they can be with each other during the wedding.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?
Depends entirely on the individuals and the plan for the occasion.

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
Bridesmaids follow. I had just me followed by bridesmaids, and my Dad sat in the audience and watched, as I am not chattel to be given away.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?
Depends how long ago it was. Within the last year, definitely. If they’ve now been married for 20 years, no.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?
No. Even if you get on well, they don’t belong at that event.

Agree with this.

There is no longer and reason nor expectation that you do something because of "tradition".
I mean that also depends how far back you are going, as "traditions" change.

Agree

OP it's up to you who you invite to your hen do. I wouldn't have invited my MIL or SIL in a million years (and we get on fine) but some people have a more family vibe. I do not see why you have to invite various random wives of his friends. Your fiancé doesn't get a say and should not be interfering. It's your party. Ditto his stag, he can invite your dad if he wants and your Dad can refuse politely or come for one if he's not keen.

Bridesmaid order and giving away are up to the bride. He can decide about his parents and partners- I'd stay well out!

Now is a very good time to set boundaries around each others families before you get married. It does sound a bit like he's dictating to you what to do and that would irritate me!

He really isn't dictating, if I had a major problem with any of these ideas, I'd say no. He has his own reasons for wanting my dad to 'give me away' and they're sweet rather than patriarchal.

OP, I think your age and the second marriage may change 'traditions' a bit ie. Just do what you want and how you'd like it rather than what's 'the done thing'. I think it would be nice to invite SIL and MIL as I'm assuming it will be less of a girls-night-blow-up-penis type event than the twenty year olds have! But certainly up to you, just let them know what it'll be like and then ask.

If I got married again, I'd probably go to a beach with close family and wear and a lavender blue dress as it looks great on me!

These are simply preferences, nothing traditional about them

If you are having stag and hens, it's up to you, we chose to all go out together as we are proper grown ups not teens.

Bridesmaids definitely follow in the U.K. (before is an Americanisation as is groomsmen, in the U.K. you have ushers and a best man)

No to the ex unless you are on good terms (both of you) and if you need childcare cover for younger kids eg ex brings dc for wedding and meal then takes home for evening do

Yes to parents spouses being invited as long as everyone is on best behaviour, spouses should not expect to be seated at top table if having but should be seated nearby with people they know ideally. We all sat together at DD's wedding, ex plus his dp me and mine.

It doesn’t matter what any of us think should be done. What’s important is that the 2 of you are both happy with how you get married. There’s nothing wrong with any of the things you asked, and there can be reasons to not do any of those things, but you both need to be happy with what your wedding day looks like.
It sounds like you’re more the type to do what feels good for you now (like not being bothered about your dad walking you up the aisle) and your partner is very (overly??) concerned with what others will think (like wanting to invite his ex for his child’s sake, and the WIVES of HIS friends… what kind of weird thinking is going on there?? ). What does HE want (and not the things he wants because he thinks his son wants it, his mil expects it, etc).

Its generally down to what suits the couple, so do it how you want to do it.

Hen/stags - we both invited family from both sides. We didnt do any big over the top things so it worked for us

I followed my bridesmaids, mainly because i had my dd who was 2 at the time and my niece who was 4, alongside my adult sisters. It meant dh could see dd and not appear to ignore her because of me. She actually stole the show as she refused to walk the main bit when she saw everyone and he called her and she ran up to daddy! Was a lovely unplanned moment!
When my sister married, us bridesmaids followed (all adults at the time)
When my mum married my step dad, she had my small cousin bridesmaids lead, and me & my sister (teens) walked her down the aisle and gave her away.
Let him decide with divorced parents. No doubt either way you choose someone wont like something!
And as for ex's - depends on the current relationships
Just remember its yours and your new DH day. Do what makes you two happy and sod everyone else!

I’ve seen a lot of videos where bridesmaids go first, but traditionally they would go behind as they would be holding the brides train/sorting it out

My mum to my hen do - yes
expect any of my family at his - no

bridesmaids befor the bride who is accompanied by whoever she wants.

no I wouldn’t expect a ban. I expect people to act like civil adults.

and no I wouldn’t invite an ex to my wedding.

1. No
2. flowergirls first, then bridesmaids, then bride (by herself of with whomever she chooses to walk with her)
3. Yes, if it bothered the parent they left for their affair partner
4. No.

Stag/ hen: up to the bride & groom and whether their parents want to join in I think. DH had his dad on his stag, and invited my dad who said no thank you as he's older and didn't fancy a long day. MiL is out the picture (and has never bothered with me any way and is a total fun sponge so I wouldn't have had her anyway) and my mum has always said she'd never expect to be asked so she didn't come either. Do what works for you.

Bridesmaids: In the UK traditionally they follow the bride. I sent mine up the aisle first because I wanted to. I liked the idea of building up to the bride and they all looked lovely- I think people look at them more if they go first. I wanted them to have a moment! Do what you want, it's your wedding.

Divorced parents and affair partners: Tricky. I'd seat them separately or least with people between them if you can't avoid them on the same table. Inviting an affair partner... I'd say the priority is whatever it takes to get both parents in the room. Do as you feel.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do? Yes

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?* Bridesmaids walk first followed by bride and father*

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married? Depends how long they've been split up, what the situation is with the affair partner and 'step child'

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?* No*

None of these things are set in stone - this is something that you will need to work out between yourselves and decide what you really want and what you're willing to compromise on!

Bridesmaids first

yes to inviting parents but they may decline

depending on how long the parent has been with new partner yes invite them

ex being invited totally depends on how you get along (my ex husband didn’t come to my wedding but my now husbands ex and her new husband did

theae aren’t traditions as such I would t say more preferences

Bridesmaids first always looks tacky to me.

So mom goes to the Hen Doo, Dad goes to the Stag Doo.

Bridesmaids first down the aisle then the bride and father (or chosen person) .

when it comes to partners….. if the affair happened over many years ago, then grow up and invite them. Tell your family to grow up and behave on your special day
if it was last week, then obviously no.

I went to my husbands exs wedding and my husbands ex came to our wedding. For us, our daughter (my stepdaughter) at occasions like this is very important.

t

This is no help but I’m just so pleased I took advantage of covid lockdown to get get married. Immediate family only, 4 weeks notice and minimal stress and expectation!

Good luck! X

I think a lot of this is down to preference, these days many people do different things.

Hen/Stag - depends on the family, I’d say yes.

Bridesmaids - apparently it’s more of an American thing but I had mine go first to give me confidence. I was with both of my parents as I didn’t like the idea of being my Dad’s to giveaway.

The other issues really come down to your family relationships.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?

Can't answer from my side about my own parents as it's a different context but I think it depends on the hen do. Neither of us did a hen/stag (first and only wedding as well) - I did have lunch with my two close friends who were bridesmaids and my oldest friend who would have been bridesmaid if it weren't for a serious illness. My DH was considering planning dinner with some friends at one point but decided he was too busy (we planned the wedding in 6 months and were moving cities as well).

If I'd done something chilled like making wedding decorations or afternoon tea or something then I would have asked my MIL along. But not for a night out, she would not have enjoyed it!

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

If the bride has bridesmaids then I think they precede the bride in the UK normally (I think? Mine did anyway). My brother walked me up the aisle so doesn't have to be a father. And I agree with PP, second wedding I wouldn't necessarily expect to see the bride being accompanied by her father etc. No problem if she wants to though.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?

I'd discuss with parents and base my decision on what I felt was best for all involved. Ultimately I'd have wanted parents there and feeling happy. If everyone had moved past it and was able to be civil and avoid each other for the day, then yes I'd invite. I had two family members who don't speak at the same small religious ceremony and they managed to avoid each other (just one made a kind of catty remark to me about it on that day).

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

Again depends on the situation. I'd hope if I was marrying again, that I'd have a civil relationship with my exH and that all of us would be able to get on as adults for the sake of the child. If that wasn't the case, then no I'd hope they could sit the wedding out (in general I find inviting exes quite strange but understand some people generally remain good friends which outweighs whatever small dating history they had).

I also agree with PP, I'd expect a second wedding to be a lot more low key.