Differences in wedding traditions

[Azureal]

I'm getting married next summer, it's second time round for both of us. We're quite different people, from different backgrounds (both British but different upbringings) but we work well together. Despite being aware of our differences, I've been quite surprised to find we have very different views on certain wedding traditions. In each case, I've never heard of/been to a wedding like he describes it, and he says he's never heard of/been to a wedding like I describe it. We'll compromise on what's important to the other and find a way to blend our traditions but I'm interested to know what wider Mumsnetters think and which of us is more the outlier!

So:

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

I'm getting married next summer, it's second time round for both of us. We're quite different people, from different backgrounds (both British but different upbringings) but we work well together. Despite being aware of our differences, I've been quite surprised to find we have very different views on certain wedding traditions. In each case, I've never heard of/been to a wedding like he describes it, and he says he's never heard of/been to a wedding like I describe it. We'll compromise on what's important to the other and find a way to blend our traditions but I'm interested to know what wider Mumsnetters think and which of us is more the outlier!
So:
Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?
Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?
Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

Hen parties are pretty low down on the demographic. No need to have one.
Bridesmaids are normally young, unless you have your sister, who is then Chief Bridesmaid or Matron fo Honour, if already married. The bridesmaids traditionally walk behind the bride.
Parents might be invited with current spouses, depends on how you get along with them.
I invited my ex to out wedding and he actually helped my husband with his speech, but he didn't come because he said that too many people knew we had been together. Silly.
My ex did come to my husband's funeral, though.

The only one of those I have any opinion on is the bridesmaids one. I hate seeing bridesmaids going ahead of the bride in the UK. It's an American tradition.

• up to the stag / hen on who they want at their stag / hen do

• bridesmaids first, why would you want the bride to go first and everyone steals the moment of the connection with the husband to be, by watching more people come down the isle? Bride always last!!!

• the rest is just whether you want the person there or not, personally I wouldn't have my husband to be ex at my wedding regardless

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?
I would yes. But I didn’t make a big deal out of a hen do - hate being centre of attention and it’s just unnecessary expense. We had a nice meal and an activity.
Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
Follow.
Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?
Totally depends on relationship and whether or not it would cause a scene
Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?
Absolute frigging no chance. Child needs to be accompanied by a suitable chaperone, who has never slept with the bride or groom.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do? THE BRIDE SHOULD DECIDE WHO TO INVITE ON THE HEN, THE GROOM SHOULD DECIDE WHO TO INVITE ON THE STAG. However, your example isn't a fair comparison, youre asking about the bride inviting her own mother and the groom inviting the brides dad. If the groom invited his future FIL on the stag, the equivalent would be be for the grooms mum to be invited on hen.

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father? I DONT SEE THE POINT IN BRIDESMAIDS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE IF THEY ARE BEHIND THE BRIDE. SURELY BY THE TIME THE BRIDE REACHES THE FRONT THATS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE ENTRANCE. BRIDESMAIDS GOING FIRST IS THE BUILD UP TO THE BRIDES ENTRANCE

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married? IT WOULD BE FOR THE SON/DAUGHTER OF THE CHEATING PARENT TO DECIDE. DONT SEE WHY THE OTHER PARTNER WOULD HAVE AN OPINION. Also depends on how the relationship is. My exH had an affair and his now married to his AP. AP is very involved in my DDs life. Dd is unaware of affair (she's only 10), but I fully expect my ex's AP to be at my DDs wedding. Her and my Dd are close and I wouldn't want my Dd feeling awkward/torn on her wedding day though any loyalty to me.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them? NO

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?
No

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
Precede, I've never been to a wedding where anyone follows the bride. Shes the showstopper!

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if marrieD
No

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?
No

Not sure these are strictly traditions, except for the bride one. At the end of the day, you do what feels right for you. I walked down the aisle by myself, I don't need my dad to 'give me away'.

Hen/ stag - no, it's an event with your friends

Bridesmaids follow the bride

Affair partner - it depends, how recently?

Ex - no, I'm sure other family members can look after young children, older ones would probably resent the idea they need looking after

BUT
At the end of the day the bride & groom should do whatever suits them & reflects what is important to them & their values.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?
No

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
Bridesmaids in front. Bride should be the last to walk.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?
No. Couples should be invited together.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them
Most definitely no

I don't think any of those are set traditions. They are just preferences which are always going to be different for different people and their families.

@HawkersSouth (and others)
Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?
Precede, I've never been to a wedding where anyone follows the bride. Shes the showstopper!

Various royal weddings may wish to have a word. Tradition in U.K. is bridesmaids follow the bride. Precede is American and it makes no sense. The clue is in the name. BridesMAIDS. The bride takes precedence and goes first.

I invited my mum to my hen do, but it was pretty tame. My dad was not invited to the groom's stag as he wasn't close to my DH at the time.

I had some bridesmaids precede me and some behind. I know it's American but I think bridesmaids walking first is better as the climax should be the bride really - the ta da moment. Bridesmaids walking behind are a bit of anti climax!

My uncle and aunt were divorced and I only invited them, no new partners though my uncle was with his for about 10 years before I got married.

Ex, I would say depends how your partner feels. If it will spoil their day then no. I wouldn't like it personally, but we're all different. If you're both happy with an ex being there that's fine.

Hen/ Stags - My mum came to my hen do the first time round (there didn’t end up being a wedding) but had sadly died by the time I met now DH. I’d have invited her to the ‘hen do’ I had before marrying him had she still been here. MIL didn’t come, she wouldn’t have enjoyed what was planned - was just drinks and a meal but still far from her cup of tea that the idea of inviting her didn’t occur. She came to my final dress fitting and then lunch with myself and my sister which she enjoyed. Dad also passed away so the questions isn’t applicable, FIL didn’t go on DH’s stag but again he’d have hated it, just not his thing. I know plenty of instances where the mums/ dads have gone, and plenty where they didn’t - both seem ‘usual’ to me.

Bridesmaids behind the bride is more traditional I think, and what I’ve done every time I’ve been a bridesmaid, however I think bridesmaids going first is becoming more common even in UK. My bridesmaids went first, it was a tiny venue and logistically it made more sense because of where they were then sitting - if it had been me they’d have had to shuffle awkwardly round myself and DH at the top of the ‘aisle’ to get to their seats.

I’ve never been to a wedding where more than one person walked the bride down the aisle/ gave her away I don’t think, so that’s more unusual to me although like the idea - I like it in American films/ series when the groom gets an entrance too usually with his parents. I didn’t like the idea of being ‘given away’ but did kind of feel I wanted someone with me for that moment.

Parent’s infidelity and wedding - don’t know, no personal experience and I guess it would depend on how much time had passed, and what the son/ daughter getting married wanted.

Inviting ex if had a child with them - again no personal experience but would depend on the relationship we now had and how comfortable the person I was marrying felt with it all. My instinct is no, I wouldn’t invite them, but I can imagine all sorts of scenarios where someone might do so.

No parents on hen and stag weekends. I mean, you do you, but I don’t think my mum has any desire to see me do a line of cocaine off my friend Rachel’s tits.

I’ve been to many weddings and it’s been 50/50 bridesmaids preceding/following. I think following looks faffy and there’s always been a hiccup of everyone getting themselves organised and in place at the front. I had a Man of Honour and no bridesmaids, and he waited for me at the alter.

Parents separated 6 months ago: affair partner not invited. Parents separated years ago and affair partner is their long term partner or spouse, invited.

DH and I both had a couple of our exes at our wedding, because they’re good friends of both of us. If an ex is also bringing the child they share with the bride/groom then I think it’s a great example to set for the child.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?
absolutely not

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

they always follow the brude abd brides father

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?
'
deoends. If itvcauses greay hurt to the mother then i wouldnt but generally speaking lifevis too short. Yes invite but not top table

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

probably

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?

My experience (both decades ago when I got married, and 3 weddings of young relatives in the last year) i(or afternoon tea very often) s that the youngsters / close pals tend to go on some sort of weekend / overnight event, and there is also a meal out for people (such as Mothers and Grandmothers and sometimes Aunts) who don't go on the hen weekend.

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle

Bridesmaids first - working up to the bride's entrance..... like in any competition, they announce 3rd place, then 2nd, and then first.

or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

Well that isn't an "or" to me.
The bridesmaids walk in, and when they get to the front, the bride enters (traditionally) on her father's arm. Obviously not everyone has a Father.... etc.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?

Not necessarily. It depends on how long ago it all happened. But this one is really down to each individual circumstance.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

No. I can't imagine this ever being a good idea but there will be the very rare circumstance where the split has been handled amicably and the co-parenting relationship is strong. I think that would be quite exceptional though.

No parents at stag or hen. Nothing against my parents I just had a relaxed weekend in a cottage and would have been very different vibe with my mum there. I know some people have a family one and a non family but seemed a bit ott to me.

Bridesmaids follow as is traditional in the UK. Again I thought it was a bit ott and showy to have a huge procession in front. I also think having loads of bridesmaids and groomsman is very American though so I think I'm just old fashioned!

My father walked me in.

Don't have split parents on either side so can't speak on that. I think they should behave for the sake of their children and go with their wishes though.

All these things don't seem major and are mainly personal preferences. Surely the bride and groom decide who is invited from each side to the stag do and hen do and wedding. The bride decides how the aisle procession goes.

OP I think you might be maybe trying to politely say there is a class difference between you and yes I do think some of these things are class based. However they don't sound like wildly different weddings and I find it hard to believe you've never been to a wedding which has a mixture of these elements!

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do? - yes we did

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father? - bridesmaids have been first at every wedding I've been to

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married? - I don't know anyone this has happened to, but I can see why some wouldn't want them there.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them? - nope, I don't think exes belong at your wedding

None of this falls into the "tradition" category. All totally depends upon the person and I've seen all combinations of the options you give at various weddings.

Exactly. People seem to see it now as the bridesmaids building up to the bride entering. Like the warm-up act at a concert. There is one grand entrance, of the bride, with her attendants behind not getting in the way.

When the Queen enters a room her ladies-in-waiting are behind her, not in front. That's what the tradition is emulating.

We didn't have hen or stag do just a couple of small mixed people excuse for a get together events

Thanks all, interesting to see there is a mix of opinions.

In our case, I was quite surprised my fiance was expecting me to invite his mum and sister on the hen do, as I hadn't done that last time around and had never known mums on hen dos. He wants to invite my dad on his stag do but I said I didn't think my dad would want to go! He also wants me to invite some of his friends' girlfriends/wives. I don't really mind either way as long as I'm not paying for them and the hen do is something I enjoy doing.

I'm only having my (late teen) daughters as bridesmaids and he was surprised they'd be processing, I think last time his ex-wife didn't have any bridesmaids but it seems odd to me he's never been to a wedding where bridesmaids walk up the aisle either before or after the bride! He really wants my dad to give me away again, my dad and I are both a bit nonplussed given my age and the fact I've been married before but don't mind doing it.

The parents' infidelity is on his side and I've said it's his call as to who he invites.

He wanted to invite his ex to show a united front for his son, but was sure his ex would decline the invite. I however don't want to invite my ex as he would bloody well come and eat as much free food as he could, the freeloader...

Your fiancé sounds lovely but also like he needs a bit of a reality check- no one else is as interested in your wedding as the pair of you.

Hen do is about you and your friends. Not wives of his friends- they would more than likely think it was odd.

Inviting his ex - sweet but she isn't going to be that enthusiastic in reality.

I think it’s a bit odd you seem to think things need to be ‘symmetrical’. If there’s an argument for his ex attending to look after their youngish child (if that’s the case?) , that still doesn’t mean you need to invite your ex, as your daughter are old enough not to need supervision. Hen and stag dos are generally for the family and friends of the hen or stag, not people from the person you’re marrying’s family, unless you have a strong friendship with them.

Your fiancé doesn’t get to mandate ridiculous anachronistic sexist hooha like fathers ‘giving away’ daughters any more than he gets to expect a dowry.

The bridesmaid thing is fast becoming a class thing. As bridesmaids in front is an Americanism and as posher people are more likely to have church weddings (where the old-fashioned English rules are more likely to be followed), I think that bridesmaids behind is often seen as the classier option.

Personally I’m not a fan of bridesmaids in front. To me it smacks of insecurity - the bride doesn’t need to create a false build up! She’s the bride! Also whenever I’ve seen it done they usually do like a 15 second gap between each bridesmaid, and it really drags.

Would you invite your mum to your hen do / expect your dad to be invited on your fiance's stag do?

It's up to the bride(s)/groom(s) in question. There isn't a rule

Do you think bridesmaids normally follow or precede the bride up the aisle, or would you expect the bride to walk up only accompanied by her father?

I think the flower girl does the petal thing before the bride comes with whoever is giving her away. The bridesmaids after. There are of course variations on this.

Where a bride or groom's parents have split due to infidelity, would you expect the affair partner to be banned from the wedding even if married?

This would be up to the bride or groom whose parents split. There isn't a rule.

Would you invite your ex to the wedding if you had a child with them?

If I split with my current partner, I could envisage that happening. His sister got married last year and her ex was the DJ. They have been split for years though and he is a professional DJ.