To not want to make small talk?

[FogartyBint]

I hate small talk. I find it so bloody tedious. I live with DD15 and DH and I have a small amount of friends that I see occasionally and this completely suits me, I don’t work and I enjoy my own company.

BUT recently I have been looking to join a weight loss group, I thought it would help keep me on track. Asking around on a neighbourhood FB group there are lots but the phrase ‘we’re just like a family!’ keeps popping up and it’s put me off massively. Same with DDs sports clubs. I go along to support and I enjoy watching but talking to people I don’t know about unimportant things makes my teeth itch, I just don’t want any part of it.

Even on holiday if another couple tries to engage us DH will chat happily while I clam up. I hate going to hairdressers and beauticians for the same reason. I just want to do the things I like doing without being approached that’s all. Am I weird? Is anyone else like this? It’s getting me down.

Why is it getting you down, though? If you say you are happy just the way you are..
I'm not a small talk person and I am not bothered about that in the slightest. If someone approaches me, I smile, give a cursory comment and move away. Also fine to bring a book to your hair appointment.

I think small talk is just part of life. I mean, you can walk into the hairdressers with a scowl and not talk to anybody, that's your prerogative, but it's a bit odd. I don't really like small talk but I've become accustomed to it as I work in a job where I have to meet loads of strangers everyday. If you don't work and only have to do it occasionally it shouldn't be too bad unless you have deeper issues (don't mean that in a snarky way).

You're not weird, you're probably an introvert. Look up introversion. Plenty of us out there! Embrace who you are and don't worry about it.

I can't say I'm the biggest fan of small talk, but I just get on with it. People are being polite! I've got a haircut tomorrow and I know there'll be small talk, but it's not a big deal. As pp said, I could go in there and scowl my way through, but what's the point?

You sound quite insular, which is fine, but if you're letting it impact your life to the point you won't do things you'd like, such as joining groups, that's a bit much. Maybe try and reframe it in your mind a bit. Plus, you might make friends...would that be so bad? Lots of friendships begin with small talk. You don't just leap in with the deep stuff, do you?

You don't need to go into great detail with small talk either. It's just chitter chatter. Ask people questions if you don't want to talk about yourself. In the scheme of things, these events are tiny as you're not doing them all of the time.

WeightWatchers. You can do it all online with the app and you never have to speak to a soul 👍

I don't work.
I don't have children, it's just husband and myself.
No actual worries in life.
I absolutely despise small talk.

I hear you.

Having said that, I recently moved to a new area and joined a new band.

Nobody talked to me. At all. They talked to each other in groups and drifted around and said hi to each other.

If there's one thing worse than making small talk it's people completely ignoring you.

I was under the impression the point of groups for weight loss was to help people share difficulties and ways to overcome them and generally be supportive. Not sure how that works if one doesn't talk to people

We're all different, so no, you're not unreasonable for being you.

I'd find that really dull, but that's me. There isn't a right or wrong.

WADR- This is not how society works! there are cultural norms that one must at least not to. It is not just about you, nor is it just about anyone else. It has always been thus. Not that you need to be a social butterfly, just respectful.

Don't confused 'introverted' with 'antisocial'.

OP, what is the point of joining a group if you won't speak to anyone? And equally, you can't expect to be having deep and meaningfuls with someone you've just met. If you don't want to speak to people, don't go out. Perhaps a one to one check-in with a close friend might suit you better. But honestly, I'm an introvert and I enjoy my own company. I still manage to chat to hairdressers and acquaintances, it's an essential life skill really. If you don't do anything, you probably struggle to make small talk tbh. Maybe this is a sign you need more in your life.

WADR Respect cuts both ways, my expectation that others respect my desire not to make small talk is just as valid as those who appear to be a dripping tap and expect me to behave the same, to talk about things that hold no interest for me. I understand that those who participate in group activities have the expectation of small talk which is why I give groups a very wide berth.

Oh I am antisocial I know. But I’m not hurting anyone? I just don’t need to swap anecdotes with a stranger while waiting for my bus. And I’m fine with my life thanks all the same

Why would I be scowling? If I don’t want to chat that’s my choice but I’m not nasty and hateful? I just keep myself to myself.

Scowling was in relation to what a pp said, no one said you were scowling.

It's fine to keep yourself to yourself. But I wrote more than that, and you've glossed over it all, same as you've done with most posts. So you've already made up your mind. Why bother posting if you don't want opinions and advice?

The part that gets me down is why it’s so frowned upon that I’m like this. I’m not rude or ‘scowling’ as inferred above, if someone speaks to me I’ll respond but I don’t enjoy it. My MIL has said to me before that I’m cold and ‘people think you’re hard faced’, which couldn’t be further from the truth, I adore my family and friends and I’d do anything for them, I just don’t feel the need to give the same energy to someone I don’t know I suppose.

It’s not about ‘making up my mind’, this is who I am. Just wanted to vent is all really

Okay then. 🤷‍♀️

I'd argue you're hurting yourself. Your avoidance of small talk is making you not want to go to clubs you'd otherwise want to go to. I'm introverted, as I say, and used to be very shy but through my work I've got fairly good at passing the time of day with strangers. All it takes is a comment about the weather, or a jokey comment. It makes people feel good, and honestly when well-practiced it'll probably make you feel good too.

Small talk is what greases the wheels of society. Small talk also eases the way into 'big' talk about stuff. Nearly every relationship, romantic or otherwise, starts with small talk. Small talk brings information - I got the name of my wonderful plumber through small talk in a supermarket queue. Small talk humanises other people in your world. Otherwise you are just walking in a world populated by other bodies.

I accept you might find it difficult or think you don't like it, but you are isolating yourself and making your world smaller. A time might come when you do care about that.

Some of the nicest moments (and relationships, romantic and platonic) in my life have come about through small talk.

DH. Introduced, but we chatted small talk about the violin he was carrying.

My best friend. It was Christmas and we were choosing cards together in a shop. Never met her before now I couldn't cope without her.

The lady who helped me change DS two weeks postpartum when I was incredibly unwell, and he was incredibly fussy. She made me realise he had a milk allergy.

The elderly man two days after my dad died who saw me looking sad, and sat and talked with me about how the leaves were good for crunching in. Got his bus and left, I smiled for the first time in days.

My neighbour. She just chittered to me about our kids, and now she's one of my closest friends.

Small talk is just humans interacting. OP seems to be fine with being set in her ways, and obviously sees opposing opinions as an attack, which I think actually demonstrates how insular she is. But it is having an impact on her because she says she's down about it, to the point of making a post and avoiding groups she'd like to join, so "just venting" seems more like she just doesn't want to listen. Her posts are actually a little rude when people have tried to be nice.

A weight loss group works because of the mutual support dieters give each other - I assume you know it's not about turning up just to be weighed, you could weigh yourself at home.

You can't have the support without making some sort of contribution.

Everything you mention reminds me of being an introvert, there’s nothing wrong with that at all, just different personalities.

Yes I agree small talk can be laborious. It’s nice to have a meaning conversation with the few that matter.

Small talk is just one of life's skills, like learning to drive or swim, its pretty useful

"WADR" is "with all due respect", for anyone else puzzled by PP^.

It depends OP. I'm autistic. I can do a certain amount of talk (big or small) and then crash out badly. So I tend to minimise the small talk. I'm never rude, but if I want to I'll, eg, hang around the back of the running group when we're all just turning up and waiting so that the person next to me doesn't randomly start a chat. Likewise I'd rather cut my own hair (badly) than visit a salon.

But I hate other people being left out if they look like they want including, so I'll go out of my way to introduce them to someone else, and I'd probably have a short convo with someone on holiday rather than appear antisocial. It depends really - if you badly want a particular club/activity you can make it work.