To not want to make small talk?

[FogartyBint]

I hate small talk. I find it so bloody tedious. I live with DD15 and DH and I have a small amount of friends that I see occasionally and this completely suits me, I don’t work and I enjoy my own company.

BUT recently I have been looking to join a weight loss group, I thought it would help keep me on track. Asking around on a neighbourhood FB group there are lots but the phrase ‘we’re just like a family!’ keeps popping up and it’s put me off massively. Same with DDs sports clubs. I go along to support and I enjoy watching but talking to people I don’t know about unimportant things makes my teeth itch, I just don’t want any part of it.

Even on holiday if another couple tries to engage us DH will chat happily while I clam up. I hate going to hairdressers and beauticians for the same reason. I just want to do the things I like doing without being approached that’s all. Am I weird? Is anyone else like this? It’s getting me down.

People chatting about group activities, work colleagues asking how you are, a hairdresser doing her job...they're dimwits?

Wow.

It isn't a part of a hairdressers job to make small talk if the client doesn't want to. IME they are very good at assessing if client wishes to chat or not and responds accordingly. I am friendly with my hairdresser but we mostly spend the time in companionable silence. Never feel you have to make small talk with your hairdresser but respect her skills.

I agree. Some people are remarkably superior about "small talk", until they need friends.

I was once like that, but I made a decision to make an effort. I think some people just want/need a chat, and if I have a moment to spare, I'm going to have a little natter and there's no harm done. Also, I live in a country where having a chat or just acknowleding people is a huge part of the culture.

I also spend a lot of time on my own and am happy with that.

I don’t think it’s fair to inflict your behaviour on a lovely group that consider themselves a family of friends with your anti social tendencies. It’s not fair. Groups and other people clearly are not suitable for you.
I assume your mil considers your cold, hard expressions as off putting, but unkind to point it out so directly!

Are you ND op?

As a quite introverted person, I do get the "I hate small talk." I have a fairly high level of anxiety , which is whilst I don't think it is really shown to the world, only me....small talk at appointments, queues, hairdressers, beauticians etc, does fill me with a little dread. I'm married to a total extrovert, so he can't relate, and I'm happy for him to take the lead. On my own, I do engage in small talk, but I don't enjoy it. I also hate the feeling of having "to keep up a conversation." I can't explain it, I guess I just find it a "pressure " for want of a better world.

Having said all of the above, I have noticed the difference in what engaging in small talk can do. I'm now in my 50s with little commitment, and I suppose I'm happier and with more time on my hands, I do engage more with people. I laugh a lot. At a lot of things. Whilst introverted, I have a great sense of humour, and I laugh at a lot of things. I used to be embarrassed about that. I now find people laugh along with me. I've found admitting I can't see the keypad or the time...or yesterday I was in a lift "digging for shrapnel" in my purse as I announced it, just lifts everything. Telling someone in a queue about my day or listening to theirs, I've found "just makes the world go round". Maybe for the first time in life, I've realised small talk is just not that deep. We're only passing the time of day.

I still don't enjoy the hairdressers small talk business....I have a beautician appointment at 5 today that already fills me a bit with dread....maybe it will always be a bit this way but I'm learning. I definitely talk to more people now than I've ever done. I think it's making me a happier, more friendlier person.

I was accused for years of being antisocial. Even by my own husband at some points. At the time I thought it was unfair....just because I'm quieter with not much to add to the conversation doesn't make me antisocial....but I can definitely think of occasions where I could have joined in a bit more or brought myself forward a bit more ,if only for the sake of 5 minutes or the occasion. I always resented being called antisocial because really at the time I was tired, I was juggling a lot of plates and being the life and soul of the party was definitely not on my agenda. I now realise I didn't need to be the life and soul...maybe I could have just been "more present".

Having said all of that, if you're happy with the way you are, "you do you". Don't overthink it. We're all free to be who want to be. If you feel there's nothing wrong with your behaviour and it doesn't affect anyone else, carry on as you are. I've read of hairdressers who are happy with silent appointments, nails and beauticians who won't engage if you don't...its not the end of the world

You're very superior to people who make small talk, OP! Well done

Wow - basically yes, you got it 👍

Hahaha. I hope you have a lovely life, and I mean that without an ounce of sarcasm.

😂😂😂

Small talk is part of life, maybe not working hasn't helped you.

Small talk is about establishing friendly relations, showing good intentions. It's an extension of "please" and "thank-you". I don't imagine you find those particularly fascinating, but you accept them as part of smoothing your way through everyday life.

Yes, all is good!
Maybe I should have added, I have Asperger's 😎

Being ND is not an excuse for being rude and calling people names just because of their job.

Agreed. I've ADHD and my BIL is autistic. He'd never dream of it and neither would I. Neurodivergence can always present differently, but the pp was just plain rude.

To go back to your first post, what would you want or expect from a weight loss group if you don't want to talk to anyone? In your scenario I would just join an expensive gym and find the cost enough to keep me motivated.

This
is it that you like to hear others chatting? I have a couple of family members like that. It's annoying because it's as if they expect to be entertained in a social setting.

but if you just want to hear the group talking, I suppose it's okay but people might be puzzled when you don't interact.

I don't enjoy engaging in small talk much, but go to a weight loss group, and the group is VERY like a 'family'. Chatty, lots of talk throughout. BUT, I keep myself generally on the outskirts by signalling I'm not up for chats, by studying my book or looking at my phone.

No one minds, actually several others do the same, though we're in a minority. It's honestly accepted and supported. Your group might be the same.

And I go because it gives me motivation and keeps me accountable. Just being there can be quite powerful.

You sound miserable.

I am quiet by nature but will make small talk out of obligation when at the hairdressers. Time passes quicker in a sense when engaged in conversation so it speeds it all up for me! I find trips to a hairdressers really stressful.

I feel that's a line too far. Dimwits is uncalled for. I agree.

Lots rely on small talk to get them through each day at work.