To not want to make small talk?

[FogartyBint]

I hate small talk. I find it so bloody tedious. I live with DD15 and DH and I have a small amount of friends that I see occasionally and this completely suits me, I don’t work and I enjoy my own company.

BUT recently I have been looking to join a weight loss group, I thought it would help keep me on track. Asking around on a neighbourhood FB group there are lots but the phrase ‘we’re just like a family!’ keeps popping up and it’s put me off massively. Same with DDs sports clubs. I go along to support and I enjoy watching but talking to people I don’t know about unimportant things makes my teeth itch, I just don’t want any part of it.

Even on holiday if another couple tries to engage us DH will chat happily while I clam up. I hate going to hairdressers and beauticians for the same reason. I just want to do the things I like doing without being approached that’s all. Am I weird? Is anyone else like this? It’s getting me down.

WADR" is "with all due respect", for anyone else puzzled by PP^.

@TheWayTheLightFalls - Alexa gave me 'West African Democracy Radio' which didn't seem right 😂

Exactly. It is also essential in business/working life. Some years ago I was responsible for a major activity which was dependent on get information from the very busy finance team who didn't see it as a priority. Around that time, my team moved near the finance team and we shared a kitchen. The second year I had to complete the activity, I had no problems whatsoever because the finance team knew me and actively wanted to help because of the the months we'd chatted whilst waiting for the kettle to boil.

You can argue that it was their job. But small talk certainly greased the wheels - I became a real person to them rather than an anonymous signature on an email.

I'm inclined to agree with this

I work for a living so I can afford to keep a roof over my head and function in society. I have to make small talk sometimes so I can co-exist with other people in shared spaces and function in society. I don't love it, but I have to do lots of things I don't really like (laundry being one) as part of being an adult. You just get on with it.

Absolutely. I can WFH full time, but I choose to go into the office several times a month because I've always been managerial and now going higher. The relationships I've made with my team have been essential, and also seeing how certain other people work so I know the complaints and the issues.

Small talk is a huge part of that. I don't go out for lunch, I've always refused a separate office. It's made for some dull conversations and some interesting ones, but now I have the trust of my team, and also have ear-marked those who don't contribute by chatting to them about what they're up to. People can come to me and I'll understand why they need A/L. I'll help them. I'll make the team work.

Small talk isn't always just chatting about the weather. It's important.

Im interested to know how anyone ends up with a DH if they loathe small talk to the point of actively avoiding people?

Do you just launch into your plans for the future & philosophies on life & hope they're compatible?

All relationships (ok, not family) come from small talk at some point, don't they?

I’m with you OP. I find it, I dunno, almost inauthentic maybe? Don’t get me wrong, I have had some really interesting chats with many a stranger in a pub but they’re usually about something a bit deeper and/or philosophical or they’re a bit of a laugh.
One of my pet hates is the sales people where I work, they meet you once and ask you all these questions “do you have children, how many”
etc. it’s not relevant to the job. I answer them and the second time I meet them, they great me as if they’ve known me for years and start asking after my family. I find it disingenuous.

I agree with the PP who said if you want society's benefits, you need to contribute. I don't know why you would join a group if you don't want to interact with anybody there.

What do you want to join groups for if you don’t want small talk?

Groups need small talk or it’s a gang of people sitting silently until someone has something significant to say.

If you want mutual support for weight loss or sport, join an online group but mute the chat.

Seeing actual humans means small talk. It’s our equivalent of grooming the great apes do, bond-building and social relationships. We don’t pick fleas off each other, we comment on the weather and the unreliability of buses.

I'm an introvert and I really can't be bothered with small talk. However, I do enjoy interesting conversations - and sometimes they crop up with strangers in the most unexpected places.

I don’t think OP needs coaching on how to do it, nor do I think it’s particularly a skill. It’s not difficult, some people just find it so dull that it drains them.

I don't hate it as in think it shouldn't happen. But it does make me very uncomfortable and stressed. I rarely visit a hairdressers and that is a high reason why, the stress of having to maintain a conversation where I sound like a normal functioning adult for over an hour is just not worth it 🤣
As far as joining the group goes- if you have no interest in talking to other people who are going through the same things, what would you gain from going? Surely the entire purpose of these things is to gain support from the other people, if you all went and sat silently then went home it would seem a little pointless.. ...
I'd recommend a good online site, weightlossresourses was far superior to WW when I last used it.

I hate small talk when it's fake ie stuff like "How are you? I'm good, how about you?" when it's basically a script and you're not really meant to say if you're not OK. Also I don't think this counts as small talk but I HATE "I hope this email finds you well" 🤮

I don't mind chatting though, for the most part. If I joined a group I would expect it.

So how did you initially make friends or even get with your dh?

It all starts with small talk!

I find it weird you want to join social groups and not want to be social though.

I hate all that too and especially over text. I have friends that send quite long messages almost daily about the most inane stuff and I have to force myself to respond at times. I know that’s a me problem and I do try to make an effort but I would rather save the chat for when we are face to face

If I am paying someone, I don't feel the need to make small talk. So I don't chat to the hairdresser or taxi driver.

If someone is doing me a favour, such a colleague or neighbour giving me a lift or lending me something like a hedge trimmer, I make the effort to chat a bit.

If it is a work situation, I need to join in and chat as much as anyone else, to nurture those vital career-building relationships.

Interesting. While most of the posts are singing the praises of small talk, at the present time, the poll reflects OP INBU

Clearly the people voting YANBU want to express an opinion but not make small talk about it.

I can’t do those either 😁

I used to think it was tedious at one time but honestly after the pandemic I really missed random conversations and now I quite enjoy them. I think it's better to realise what makes you feel awkward about it and try to get over it. For me it was lack of confidence and self-consciousness.

I suppose OP just enjoys being alone with her own thoughts, instead having some dimwits stealing her time and energy....
Obviously, just a supposition.

Some people seem a bit sniffy about ‘small talk’, like it’s beneath them and they’d rather be left to the absolutely riveting thoughts in their own head rather than exchange a couple of pleasantries with a stranger or acquaintance. But this is how you develop ‘weak ties’ which are a really important part of social capital.

Nobody’s going to force you, but it might be of benefit to you to reframe ‘small talk’ to ‘interacting with fellow humans’.

There is plenty a person can be getting on with alone. Apart from work, my days include reading, painting/drawing, exercising, going on walks. Then there are normal household chores and spending evenings with my partner. If I didn't work, I could easily lose 7-8h drawing, woodworking or knitting. Not everyone is a social butterfly, some of us are pretty good at occupying ourselves in solitude.