Help me stop being unreasonable mumsnet!

[mrsunreasoable]

I have a partner that loves me so much. He's supportive, in every way, emotionally, financially, and he shows the family a lot of love.

3 months ago we had a time off little sex as our Toddler wasn't sleeping and I was so so tired and grumpy and had no sex drive while I dealt with the little sleep.

At the same time he started speaking about a girl in work in a different (excited and often) way than he does with other girl mates. He has a best girl mate outside of work that I love and he doesn't speak like this about her.

He goes away twice a month and this is when he sees her and speaks excited about her and it's clear that they're together a lot during work and chat a lot in their after work. I made a bet with myself a few weeks ago that when he facetimed me on his first night away that her name would come up in the first 30 seconds and it did. She stays at this expensive hotel and he's moaned about this in the past as the company pays and she's not quite as senior as him. (This is relevant)

I asked him about her and said what I felt and he dropped in that she's gay. Although he did say he didn't want that to be the reason I trusted him especially as both him and I believe that sexuality can be fluid for some although we understand some people are just straight or just gay. It still didn't settle it for me.

Then a few weeks ago I walked in to the bedroom and his viagra was out on the drawers. He bought these when we first met as he was nervous! I asked him about this and he said it was because our Toddler can now open the drawers and he was going to take them downstairs to the bin but forgot.

Then he told me this week he's staying at the expensive hotel (the one she always stays at) because the company put it in budget this month.

All of this together has made me so unreasonable. The no sex, the excited when talking about another woman, the viagra being out and the new hotel stay that she's at.

HELP ME SNAP OUT OF THIS! I feel awful. He's being nothing but reassuring as I've told him how I feel but it's not budging. It's awful not to trust him as he's nothing but amazing to me - but all of these together feel like really bad timing/coincidences that I can't shake off and I feel so guilty for it.

Yeah, I wouldn't be putting up with that.

Can you go and meet her to try and help put your mind at rest?

@Celticliving where they work away is about 2 to 3 hours from home so I would never end up meeting her I don't think

@Celticliving can you tell me what you wouldn't put up with? Because I think I'm beyond ridiculous but I don't know why! I feel so guilty!

So he's the one who is forming a relationship with a new colleague, staying at the same hotel as her, and getting out viagra..and you are the one that is feeling guity and unreasonable??

@DecafGreen yep. It's not just him and her, for example last time he stayed at the cheaper hotel the director was in the next room to him, another 3-4 colleagues too. He says he has an explanation for the viagra being out, that he took it out of the drawer and put it out if reach of our Toddler ready to take downstairs to the bin but forgot. He's got an explanation for each one but they're all at the same time. And she's gay?

I think it's perfectly acceptable to have friends of the same gender when you are married.

However, everything that you have said would make ANYONE suspicious.

Of course it could be a perfectly innocent relationship. I'm just saying that you're not unreasonable for having doubts. There are a lot of coincidences and seemingly reasonable explanations. You only have his word that she is gay and that he had got the viagra out to throw away. It's natutal in these circumstances to feel suspicious. I wouldn't accuse him of anything but I would be keeping a close eye on him for a while.

@DecafGreen thanks. I thought I was going to come on here and people tell me I was crazy!

It doesn't sound great but.

Who gets viagra because they’re nervous? Presumably you’re both young.

@Didimum errr late 30s. The first time we had sex he was really nervous as he hadn't had sex or a relationship for a while. So the second time and for the third and fourth time he used it just for confidence I think after the first nervous time. I was fine with that I don't think that's an issue as he's got over his nerves there.

But they were out with an explanation but at the same time all this is in my head. I'm not sure if I'm just asleep deprived and over thinking!

"but all of these together feel like really bad timing/coincidences that I can't shake off and I feel so guilty for it."

You can't shake off your intuition. Trust it, don't feel guilty for it.

I wouldn't be comfortable with all those things either but most of all I wouldn't be trying to shake off my own feelings!

@Teaortea I've thought this too but then think what if the explanations are true and I'm pushing away a decent man here! I definitely need some more sleep!

So yes, very young.

Viagra expires after 2 years, so was what he had out even in date if it was an old pack?

‘Mentionitis’ is commonly thought to be a red flag. I’d keep silent and keep watching. If there is something going on, you don’t want him to get better at hiding it because you are suspicious.

I think sleep deprivation can make someone agitated and bad tempered and even depressed, but it can’t invent these red flags – these exist regardless.

YANBU. It’s either all a really weirdly timed coincidence or something is going on

@Didimum can it make you a bit more paranoid though? Can you tell me what his red flags are - the no sleep has made me not know who I am right now! I don't know what I should be doing in this situation, I thought I was just being a paranoid sleep deprived jealous partner!

Husband so devastatingly attractive, that he can turn gay women straight.

Sp has everything else been cleared out of drawers out the reach of your toddler, or just the viagra?

Everything else wouldn't bother me as much as this as it seems like a very flimsy excuse for them being out

If he has nothing to hide would he share some of their messages etc with you so you can see its platonic?

@ExtraOnions right this is the kind of talk I need haha!!! I mean i think he's handsome of course but yes she's gay!! It's ridiculous right!!

The thing that bugs me I think more than anything is how he speaks about her. I'm just being a jealous idiot that he lights up a bit speaking about her. I don't know how many times he's called her so sweet it bugs me!

Red flags
Mentions her all the time
Stays in same hotel
Claims she's gay ( true?)
Viagra

It's quite clear that he has a crush on her, regardless of whether she feels the same or not.

Talking about her frequently 🚩
’Lighting up’ when he talks about her 🚩
Moving to her hotel 🚩
Viagra suddenly coming out the draw 🚩

Has he made an effort to clear out any other drawers, cabinets or parts of the house where your toddler can get hold of inappropriate things, or was it just the viagra? (genuine question, not sarcastic)

@PenguinLove1 he volunteered (although I really didn't want to - I'd rather talk it through than see his phone) that they don't talk outside of work, he searched for her name and the last message was a while ago and it was very much work related very factual. He works from home when he's not away with them all and they regularly messsge there.

He said he doesn't know how to behave with her now because they were all in a group meeting online and he saw she had this ridiculously massive mug of coffee and said normally he would private message her to joke to her about it and go what on earth is that but he stopped himself as he feels uncomfortable now. This is what I feel guilty for he should be able to joke around with his colleagues and now his sleep deprived sexless other half doesn't like the way he speaks about the gay woman in his work he's got to stop? I feel so guilty

Many many men of all ages