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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me stop being unreasonable mumsnet!

90 replies

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 07:22

I have a partner that loves me so much. He's supportive, in every way, emotionally, financially, and he shows the family a lot of love.

3 months ago we had a time off little sex as our Toddler wasn't sleeping and I was so so tired and grumpy and had no sex drive while I dealt with the little sleep.

At the same time he started speaking about a girl in work in a different (excited and often) way than he does with other girl mates. He has a best girl mate outside of work that I love and he doesn't speak like this about her.

He goes away twice a month and this is when he sees her and speaks excited about her and it's clear that they're together a lot during work and chat a lot in their after work. I made a bet with myself a few weeks ago that when he facetimed me on his first night away that her name would come up in the first 30 seconds and it did. She stays at this expensive hotel and he's moaned about this in the past as the company pays and she's not quite as senior as him. (This is relevant)

I asked him about her and said what I felt and he dropped in that she's gay. Although he did say he didn't want that to be the reason I trusted him especially as both him and I believe that sexuality can be fluid for some although we understand some people are just straight or just gay. It still didn't settle it for me.

Then a few weeks ago I walked in to the bedroom and his viagra was out on the drawers. He bought these when we first met as he was nervous! I asked him about this and he said it was because our Toddler can now open the drawers and he was going to take them downstairs to the bin but forgot.

Then he told me this week he's staying at the expensive hotel (the one she always stays at) because the company put it in budget this month.

All of this together has made me so unreasonable. The no sex, the excited when talking about another woman, the viagra being out and the new hotel stay that she's at.

HELP ME SNAP OUT OF THIS! I feel awful. He's being nothing but reassuring as I've told him how I feel but it's not budging. It's awful not to trust him as he's nothing but amazing to me - but all of these together feel like really bad timing/coincidences that I can't shake off and I feel so guilty for it.

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 29/10/2024 08:48

Her being gay doesn't stop him from indulging in feeling he should be avoiding. I'd keep a level head but ask him to think about if he would be this way with a new male colleague. Really, can you think of any time he has lit up when talking about a male friend? He needs to reflect on that and reconsider how he behaves.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 09:03

@Hillrunning this is my argument, he is saying I don't know him if I think he could hurt me in any way. I've said the problem is what I do know of him doesn't include talking like this about anyone. So it's the brand new behaviour that's thrown me. He's called her sweet a few times too and would never say this about a man. He said he doesn't use that word to describe people but he definitely has so he isn't realising how he's speaking about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 10:59

We've just had a conversation about it and he says nothing is going on and he feels nothing. He also said she makes him smile and I hate that term - I feel like it's an affectionate term to use!

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 29/10/2024 11:15

So he took the viagra out. Where exactly did he put it? Did he remove other items a toddler might be interested in?

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 11:17

@healthybychristmas only after I asked him about the viagra. He said our Toddler was in the drawer specifically so he took it out of that drawer and put it on top of higher drawers in the bedroom out of her reach, ready to take downstairs to the bin. Then forgot to take them to the bin (he said he was upstairs getting ready for a shower so did it then, then forgot about it after the shower).

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 11:20

@healthybychristmas if I'm honest I think I'm more annoyed by "she makes me smile" than I am about the viagra being out ha! There could be a reason for the latter but the affectionate term there's no real getting out of that. But like I said I'm asleep deprived I could be being totally unreasonable and I'll hold my hands up to that!

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 29/10/2024 11:24

Hotels and talking about her in an excited way? Busy no-sex young mum at home? Tale as old as time. He’s having his cake and eating it. No question.

Ohnobackagain · 29/10/2024 11:44

@mrsunreasoable I don’t believe it’s innocent, regardless of the viagra which may be a red herring. I don’t think she’s gay and even if she is he might still fancy her. I wonder how you can find out. All this hotels budget sounds bonkers as well. Nope, I’m usually the one telling people not to jump to conclusions but this is ringing alarm bells for me

BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 11:45

Yeah, it doesn't look great. Surely if they're that close he'd be fine with introducing you to her, invite her to your house, hope that you and her could be mates? Just like you say you really like his female close friend outside of work.
If he acts weird when you ask to meet her I think you have your answer that something's going on.
The Viagra for me is a huge red flag. You wouldn't just leave them out if your excuse for moving them was worrying the kid might get their hands on it. Makes no sense.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 11:48

@BobbyBiscuits the problem is they see each other twice a month when they go away with work which is about 2-3 hours away from our home. She then lives another 2-3 hours from there in the other direction

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 11:53

@mrsunreasoable surely you can meet online/via phone chat. If he's not hiding anything he'd want you two to get on, you'd think?
I don't think you'll really get to the bottom of the nature of it all without speaking to her tbh.

Ohnobackagain · 29/10/2024 11:53

@mrsunreasoable is he definitely going away with work?

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 11:57

@BobbyBiscuits the only reason this would be weird would be if there's nothing going on. He's said that if this was presented to her she'd be so confused. He's quite senior in this company and if there's nothing going on I don't want to draw attention to his crazy partner

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 12:00

@mrsunreasoable I don't think I would trust that there's nothing going on. Not that she's necessarily having an affair with him, but it seems clear by the way he speaks he's very interested in her and fond of her. And can't even conceal his enthusiasm.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:00

@Ohnobackagain I believe so. I've seen him book the train on the company card and heard him on video calls at home confirming things ready to go. I've not got a reason to doubt this at all. Oh yup add that usually he facetimes every night that he's away. His routine at home is that he's in bed by 10/1030 and he facetimes me after I've finished doing stuff at home until about 1030 and then well it's bed time.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/10/2024 12:03

I'm not sure that 'snapping out of' your jealous thoughts is what is needed. He's been going on and on about another woman, and lights up when she's mentioned; how are you supposed to feel?
It's good that he's reduced the amount of outside-work chat with her. I wouldn't feel too sorry for him for not being able to make a joke about her coffee mug during a work Zoom.
Very likely nothing has happened between them physically, but he sounds as if he has a bit of crush, albeit one that he's not planning to act on. Maybe the fact that she's a lesbian makes her feel safer for him. It's upsetting for you but your response is nothing to beat yourself up about.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:04

@BobbyBiscuits yes it's the not being able to conceal his enthusiasm that's worrying. I don't know if anything is actually going on but maybe I feel he's edging towards dangerous territory in terms of his feelings (highly unlikely to be reciprocated due to her being gay and all!). His best girl mate never gets spoken about like this. I said today that when we got married abroad we didn't have many people there but when we found out she was coming I was more excited than him! I was just really pleased for him to have her there so I said how great it was and he did too. But he has never called her sweet or said that she makes him smile. This kind of wording has only ever been used for the female work colleague.

OP posts:
Marine30 · 29/10/2024 12:04

Is there no way you can do some discreet online checking of the girl? Facebook, Linked in etc.
Unlikely to make you any wiser re her sexuality but it could help if you saw her somehow.
His reassurances haven’t helped you and sounds like something could be off if you still feel unsettled. I would try that in your position. Like you say, does seem like a series of coincidences.

Onestepfromendingitall · 29/10/2024 12:06

LTB he's cheating

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:08

@SoNiceToComeHomeTo yes he's said that to me today. That he thought I knew she was gay to begin with. He showed me a group photo of 20 people back in February and I do remember him saying one of the girls was gay but I wouldn't have remembered her name and she wasn't on my radar/being mentioned. I didn't remember any of the people's names in that group but he thought I knew!

So he's said today because he thought I knew from this group photo months ago that she was gay, that he felt safe to say what he likes about her. And whereas I accept that, it's still made me uncomfortable that he's spoken more affectionately about this woman than any other woman in his life eg friends he's close to. He didn't even think this may come across a bit strange - hey I know I'm 3 hours away but I'm striking up a good work friendship with this woman, she's really sweet and really makes me smile.

Come on have a bit of awareness about your delivery!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:09

@Marine30 this is one thing that's bugged me! Because I've tried LI even and I'd have thought that given her role she would be all over that. My hubby and I are connected via linkedin and she's nowhere to be found! My worry was that she had blocked me already but some people can't be found on there I guess!

OP posts:
Marine30 · 29/10/2024 12:26

How frustrating! I dunno why but even just to see her might have made you feel better somehow. Strange that she’s completely awol on LI if she’s career minded.
Perhaps she’s gay and your husband just has a bit of a crush. Still not great though. I would ask him how he would feel if you started raving about someone you knew and how he made you smile etc. Would he like it? Seems like DH needs to stop talking her up and realise it’s not what you (or any partner) would want to hear.

Original poster
mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:34

@Marine30 how funny after your post I tried again and I've found her. No indication of being gay or straight not that this should matter where my husbands interaction is concerned.

He's said to me this could be the other way around and a 100 times worse and if I said there was nothing there, because he trusts me 100% he would accept my answer if I said there was nothing in it.

But we'll never really know that! Although I do like how reassuring he's being and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and trusts me, knows what we're working hard for and knows neither one of us would jeopardise that. Usually cheating guys get a lot more defensive?

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 29/10/2024 12:48

mrsunreasoable · 29/10/2024 12:34

@Marine30 how funny after your post I tried again and I've found her. No indication of being gay or straight not that this should matter where my husbands interaction is concerned.

He's said to me this could be the other way around and a 100 times worse and if I said there was nothing there, because he trusts me 100% he would accept my answer if I said there was nothing in it.

But we'll never really know that! Although I do like how reassuring he's being and he keeps telling me how much he loves me and trusts me, knows what we're working hard for and knows neither one of us would jeopardise that. Usually cheating guys get a lot more defensive?

Why is he saying he trusts you and that you wouldn't do anything - this isn't a we it's a him. Hmm that's not sitting comfortably, it slightly smacks of DARVO.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/10/2024 12:49

@mrsunreasoable 'she makes me smile' crikey. It sounds like a hallmark greeting card interior.
Why say that about a female colleague to your fucking Mrs? It seems like he's trying to almost do his crush on her in plain sight?

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