Help me stop being unreasonable mumsnet!

[mrsunreasoable]

I have a partner that loves me so much. He's supportive, in every way, emotionally, financially, and he shows the family a lot of love.

3 months ago we had a time off little sex as our Toddler wasn't sleeping and I was so so tired and grumpy and had no sex drive while I dealt with the little sleep.

At the same time he started speaking about a girl in work in a different (excited and often) way than he does with other girl mates. He has a best girl mate outside of work that I love and he doesn't speak like this about her.

He goes away twice a month and this is when he sees her and speaks excited about her and it's clear that they're together a lot during work and chat a lot in their after work. I made a bet with myself a few weeks ago that when he facetimed me on his first night away that her name would come up in the first 30 seconds and it did. She stays at this expensive hotel and he's moaned about this in the past as the company pays and she's not quite as senior as him. (This is relevant)

I asked him about her and said what I felt and he dropped in that she's gay. Although he did say he didn't want that to be the reason I trusted him especially as both him and I believe that sexuality can be fluid for some although we understand some people are just straight or just gay. It still didn't settle it for me.

Then a few weeks ago I walked in to the bedroom and his viagra was out on the drawers. He bought these when we first met as he was nervous! I asked him about this and he said it was because our Toddler can now open the drawers and he was going to take them downstairs to the bin but forgot.

Then he told me this week he's staying at the expensive hotel (the one she always stays at) because the company put it in budget this month.

All of this together has made me so unreasonable. The no sex, the excited when talking about another woman, the viagra being out and the new hotel stay that she's at.

HELP ME SNAP OUT OF THIS! I feel awful. He's being nothing but reassuring as I've told him how I feel but it's not budging. It's awful not to trust him as he's nothing but amazing to me - but all of these together feel like really bad timing/coincidences that I can't shake off and I feel so guilty for it.

@TorroFerney because that was in response to the previous poster who asked me what if it was the other way around. I asked him that and he told me he trusts me 100% and whatever explanation I'd give him he'd accept because of what we have together etc.

@BobbyBiscuits I know!! It's the second time he's used that term with her.

The first time was when she got prompted in to his team and he said "That really made me smile today". I didn't like that haha.

Then he's said it again today!! He said he panicked under the pressure of this conversation when I was asking him why he speaks differently about her - so he said she's just a person in work that makes me smile! Arrghhh!

@mrsunreasoable arrggghhh! I don't know what to say. How can he not just style it out better?
I would fully support you questioning it but it seems he just drops more saccharine cliches.

How long has your toddler been toddlering? I.e. has it coincided with this new friendship or has your toddler been on the move for a while?

How do you know for certain she is gay? Does she have social media?

@BobbyBiscuits haha! It wouldn't bother me so much if he used it with anyone else! But this twice combined with saying "she's so sweet" more than once - he has never described anyone else like this! Not one of his friends has "made him smile" since I've known him and he's never described anyone as "so sweet" before! That's the bit that bugs me, the change of description/behaviour that's just used to describe her and not one other person in his life before.

@Fairy0708 no she's been toddling for a while, but this was the first time she had been able to open the drawers as they're heavy.

But the drawer opening happened a few weeks before he moved the viagra 🤦‍♀️. But when he went for a shower that day he remembered and decided to move them out of the drawer to be on top of a higher cupboard she couldn't reach, but then forgot to take it downstairs to the bin 😬

Fuck this for a game of soldiers

He has no respect for you, and
He's sleeping with a supposed lesbian

Is he the child's father? If so, he has no shape with him at all in regards to his child

I'd be moving on, op

I hope you helped with the toddler-proofing and flushed the viagra 💐

What happened to the Viagra after that OP? If it's still there have you checked the expiry?

As a wife who was cheated on, I'm seeing lots of red flags. At the very least he is emotionally involved with her, and I don't believe his viagra explanation for a minute.

@Ohnonina it was the same viagra he bought when we first met and he's now thrown it in the bin (I'm told)

@LifeExperience I'm struggling with it. He keeps telling me that yeah it looks weird but to remember who he is/why don't i trust his explanation?

Trust your gut

Are you sure she is gay? Or has it just came from your DH?

Could you find out independently?

@MadeForThis when he showed me a group photo back in February before all of this, he did mention that one of the girls was gay. I just couldn't recall all those names and everyone's sexuality all those months ago and before the comments began (she's since been promoted to his team but before that no mention of her apart from telling me she was gay in this photo which I didn't remember). And the reason he told me she was gay them was she was next to a gay guy whose name I knew anyway but I'd never have remembered her name as the photo had 20 people in it

That screams gaslighting, sorry op!

@Fairy0708 I keep thinking everything he does for us is amazing. He's so supportive, so engaging in the relationship and everything he does is to move us to our goals - my business, our dream home, what helps us both be happy - he dedicates his time making sure we're happy.

With that in mind mind, if he was telling the truth, this is what he'd say right? Why don't I trust him and his word?

Dig deep, OP. You don’t suddenly start distrusting someone who is implicitly trustworthy who you have always (presumably?) trusted without question. Your instincts are telling you his answers are not good enough.

@Didimum I really thought I was going to come on here and people say I'm beimg really paranoid, it's just his choice of words, and that there's an explanation for it all 😩

I think what would likely help you more is if he stopped defending his position in his use of words describing her. If he's have said 'Hey, you know what, this is actually a really inappropriate way to talk about my work colleagues to anyone, let alone my wife, especially when our marriage isn't where we want it to be right now. I'm sorry my behaviour has made you feel insecure and you're my priority.'

Would that have made you feel better?

For me, complaining how he can't joke about a coffee mug for fear of making you uncomfortable is a poor thing to bring up. Why is he even thinking about it?

@Didimum yeah he's eventually got there today. But it's taken weeks of talking about this! It's as if it takes him a while to see things from my perspective but when he does, if it's appropriate and right obviously then he does go ah ok yeah I can see how that would make you feel. Today he's said it's just been a poor choice of words and he can't offer an explanation as to why he's used these words for her and nobody else in his life.

I just have to accept that the hotel he's staying at is always on the list but usually out of budget but this time it was in budget so he's staying there? I hate this it's so annoying feeling this way.

Why does he have to 'go away' so much for work? I would not accept that with a partner. I think it's time you had a discussion about him ending these work trips or getting another job. I think you really need to have that discussion. I would not put up with a partner 'working away' that much. I would not. There should be absolutely no need for it especially in 2024 with more technology than ever before.

@TiredEyesSoreHeart he goes away for one night 2 days every 2 weeks as part of his role, he's quite senior so goes to head office every 2 weeks for one night. This was in place before we met, and part of his contract. I'm not bothered by this in general, I get to watch my trashy tv shows and I use this time to have a bit of a pamper at home after the kids are in bed so this really doesn't bother me pre-gay woman excitement

@TiredEyesSoreHeart also my ex partner was military and I was with him for years during the Afghanistan time! So this is nothing in comparison, I'm quite happy to have one night apart for my own stuff

What a bizarre situation to be in, @mrsunreasoable . DH has as good as told you that he has a crush on this woman at the same time as assuring you that she isn't interested in him. Also that it's you he loves and wants to be with. And the rest of his behaviour towards you does bear this out, so... And yet his viagra tabs are suddenly in evidence again and he suddenly has access to stay in the same hotel as She Who Makes Him Smile, so...
No wonder you are confused. I certainly am on your behalf. And I also notice that something deep down in you is saying he's not cheating, and you know him better than anyone else. Just don't blame yourself for wondering, anyone would.