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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just do this anyway even though DH doesn't agree

77 replies

purdon · 29/10/2024 06:51

I know it may be a bit controversial here but myself and DH have completely separate finances. We share bills and that is it. We may mention but we don't really consult about purchases unless it's something like buying something for the house for example.

We receive exactly the same amount salary wise.

DH has made big purchases in the past and not "consulted" me in the sense that he's not asked me if its okay but has spoken to me about it. I'd never veto what he could spend his money on. For example last year he bought an expensive car that I though was a bit stupid but as I say, it's his money and providing he can still pay for what he needs to I don't tell him what he can and can't do.

There are a few reasons we do this, we get on well day to day but our likes and interests differ quite a lot. My husband has older children and I didn't want to join my income into their maintenance/costs, and I was financially, physically and mentally abused for years by an ex so I love having the freedom of my own money.

Anyway, mentioned to DH the other day I want to do an expensive holiday next year with our joint DC (we will also be going on holiday all together somewhere DH likes), it is a holiday he would HATE and have absolutely no interest in going on. But it is a once in a lifetime kind of thing. I'm happy to go alone with our DC. However, DH is complaining now that it's way too much money and I shouldn't go. To be clear it would be paid solely by myself and it won't affect us in any way, no more than him buying the car mentioned above for example.

Aibu to just do it anyway? I know he'd not actually prevent me from taking DC I'm not worried about anything like that. But he might grump a bit.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 29/10/2024 06:53

What's his grump about it?

EVHead · 29/10/2024 06:53

Do it!

SeulementUneFois · 29/10/2024 06:54

Do it OP!

Lampzade · 29/10/2024 06:54

Did you mention his car when he attempted to veto your holiday?

Gymmum82 · 29/10/2024 06:54

I’d go. He doesn’t want to and it’s not his money or his business

BleachedJumper · 29/10/2024 06:56

How long would you be away for? Would you be taking the children out of school for the trip?

I think that’s the only cause he could really have to disagree with it, is if there will be an impact on the children you share.

Mumdiva99 · 29/10/2024 06:56

How old are the kids?
Is it Disney? I get the fact that people tend to love or hate Disney. 🤣
As you aren't asking him to pay it's hard to understand his objection without more details.

ZippyLimeSnake · 29/10/2024 06:57

If he’s been invited & doesn’t want to go, you’re paying for it & you will take DC & it won’t affect him financially whatsoever I can’t see what his issue would be? I’d still go.

purdon · 29/10/2024 06:58

We'd be away 4 days, no one would be taken out of school and it's not disney! It's lapland. It would be in December but not over Christmas obviously.

He just thinks it's a ridiculous amount of money. Which is fine. I'm not asking him to pay!

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 29/10/2024 07:00

Go

Parsley1234 · 29/10/2024 07:02

Million % go Lapland is fabulous

Jollofoldmaninaredsuit · 29/10/2024 07:02

Join the Lapland on a budget FB group

RedPalace · 29/10/2024 07:02

Hmm is there a back story he's not told you, like one of his older kids always wanted to go and he's going to take flack? Based on his reaction it's the first thing I assumed. Not a reason not to go obviously all be it if true I'd tread tactfully

purdon · 29/10/2024 07:03

I'm 99.9999% sure I'm just going to go.

I do wonder sometimes whether part of him would like to see DC experience this stuff but not enough to make him go if that makes sense? It's just not his cup of tea at all and in all honestly I'd rather him NOT come as I know he'd probably be miserable.

OP posts:
Gnomy · 29/10/2024 07:06

Do it.

How is this different from his car purchase? There’s an element he’d hate the holiday but he also hates missing out on the experience, build-up and memories after. That’s up to him.

Hillrunning · 29/10/2024 07:09

Neutrally reply. Yes it is an awful lot of money, I felt the same about your car, that's one of the positives of us having separate finances, we don't need to come to compromises on these things. __

Ilovelurchers · 29/10/2024 07:10

Definitely go.

In fairness, it doesn't sound like he is attempting to 'forbid" you as such (not that he could!) but more just giving his opinion that it's a waste of money? If I have read your posts correctly.....

Some people do struggle with the idea of excessive expense on holidays, because there is nothing concrete to show at the end. Whereas to others (like me) good and enriching and fun experiences are the very best thing to spend your money on!

It's not worth falling out with him over it unless he becomes a real knob about it. Just tell him and remind him of the car if necessary, and the way you bit your tongue then.....

For what it's worth the way you do your finances sounds perfect to me. Finances have been a bone of contention in almost every relationship i've had (which is quite a few!). The only one where they weren't contentious is the one where they were totally separate and we just split bills equally.......

CountFucula · 29/10/2024 07:10

I’m with him - going to Lapland is a silly, shallow, instagram trip that is overpriced, hard work and damaging the environment. Is my honest comment. but I get I’m in the minority there. On principle though you go! It’s your money and your choice :)

BadgersOfHonour · 29/10/2024 07:12

How dare he try to dictate how you spend your money while happily spending his own on whatever he wants? What an arse!

Go to Lapland. We did it many years ago and it was wonderful. We now have grandchildren and plan on taking them too one day.

beachmum1 · 29/10/2024 07:13

M parents took me to Lapland over 25 years ago. It's one of the highlights of my childhood - please go!

Cuppachuchu · 29/10/2024 07:13

If you want to go, and it's something you'll enjoy, just do it. Life is too short, live it well.

BilboBlaggin · 29/10/2024 07:14

I'd do it. At the first sign of a grump from DH I'd politely remind him that he spent much more on a car and you did not moan about it once. He should give you the same consideration.

Meadowfinch · 29/10/2024 07:15

purdon · 29/10/2024 07:03

I'm 99.9999% sure I'm just going to go.

I do wonder sometimes whether part of him would like to see DC experience this stuff but not enough to make him go if that makes sense? It's just not his cup of tea at all and in all honestly I'd rather him NOT come as I know he'd probably be miserable.

This precious. Sounds like a bit of FOMO to me.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 29/10/2024 07:15

Just do it! You'll regret not experiencing it with your dc, far more than putting up with a grumpy husband for a few weeks.

Amazing isn't it that just because he doesn't see the benefit, he tries to veto it, yet he's happy to spend money on a car you don't necessarily think is appropriate.

Whyherewego · 29/10/2024 07:17

Definitely do it. Tell him just as he prioritises new cars you want to prioritise this experience

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