To just do this anyway even though DH doesn't agree

[purdon]

I know it may be a bit controversial here but myself and DH have completely separate finances. We share bills and that is it. We may mention but we don't really consult about purchases unless it's something like buying something for the house for example.

We receive exactly the same amount salary wise.

DH has made big purchases in the past and not "consulted" me in the sense that he's not asked me if its okay but has spoken to me about it. I'd never veto what he could spend his money on. For example last year he bought an expensive car that I though was a bit stupid but as I say, it's his money and providing he can still pay for what he needs to I don't tell him what he can and can't do.

There are a few reasons we do this, we get on well day to day but our likes and interests differ quite a lot. My husband has older children and I didn't want to join my income into their maintenance/costs, and I was financially, physically and mentally abused for years by an ex so I love having the freedom of my own money.

Anyway, mentioned to DH the other day I want to do an expensive holiday next year with our joint DC (we will also be going on holiday all together somewhere DH likes), it is a holiday he would HATE and have absolutely no interest in going on. But it is a once in a lifetime kind of thing. I'm happy to go alone with our DC. However, DH is complaining now that it's way too much money and I shouldn't go. To be clear it would be paid solely by myself and it won't affect us in any way, no more than him buying the car mentioned above for example.

Aibu to just do it anyway? I know he'd not actually prevent me from taking DC I'm not worried about anything like that. But he might grump a bit.

Does he secretly want to go too? Have you invited him? Otherwise, I would absolutely put it in the same category as his new car and he should butt out.

Do it and cherish the time spent with your DC and the memories you make together.
DD2 and I ended up in USA at the same time so joined up to spend time at Disney together.
DH would have hated it but DD and I had a great time and I love having those memories

What do the kids think? How old are they?

Im not saying dont go, but this isn't the same as a car purchase. It involves your annual leave and how you spend your time as a family.

If you have the same salary, nut he is paying child maintenance he may not be able to afford it.

Have you actually asked him if he wants to go too? Or just assumed he doesn’t? If you’ve asked and he doesn’t then I’d tell him it’s fine he doesn’t want to go but you do and will be going.

As opposed to new cars which aren’t shallow, overpriced or damaging to the environment in any way?

It isn’t tit for tat of course and I do think we need to be mindful of our carbon footprints but I am still team OP here.

What I would say though is my family can end up with a bit of a dynamic where I do things with the children as DH does his own thing, it’s a shame.

Leave him. Take me. Problem solved.

My EXH and I always had finances like this and it never caused us any issues at all. Your DH is being a complete hypocrite. Ignore him and book the holiday.

He sounds selfish.
He won't contribute to it but doesn't want you to.
Spends his money on himself.

Well done for keeping your money well away from someone so selfish.
Enjoy Lapland.

I've no patience for "grumping", but I'd ask him to explain his objections clearly before I made a final decision. Your money is your business (provided obligations are covered), but taking your shared minor children rather than going alone may make it his as well.

If (for example) he thinks the trip is blatant consumerism and doesn't want that example set for the children, that's something the two of you should work through together. I wouldn't want my partner to completely disregard me if I had strong feelings about some aspect of parenting, so I wouldn't risk setting a precedent by disregarding him. (I also wouldn't want to do anything to reinforce the regressive idea of women as automatic "default parents", although that may not be a factor in your relationship.)

Probably buying the car was a bad example too - and I'd personally take the trip over the car! - but the fact that you decided not to speak up about that situation doesn't mean he (or you) can't speak up about other purchases, with a legitimate explanation of how it impacts the children/family.

Me and DH split finances the same, after bills and some is put into savings we have the same amount to do with as we please. I'm quite careful with my money whereas he buys stuff he does actually use but adds up; this way neither of us gets annoyed or resentful at the other. Obviously if something crops up like car issues it comes out of the joint pot or the other will help out, but works well for us.

Anyway - if he doesn't want to go then go. It's your money!

Is it Rovaniemi? Is it a silly amount for 4 days? Ryanair fly direct, Airbnb in Rovaniemi and day trips to santa's village (15 mins by bus and free to visit), husky/reindeer sleigh ride etc. You might be able to do it a lot cheaper yourself if you're looking at a package that is costing the earth for just a few days.

You should definitely go, but depending on the price like your DH I'd probably question it too if it's only really for 2 full days.

If he wanted to go, could you afford all of you to go?

Is he worried you will look (to his dc) a better /more fun parent?

He wants to go but at the same time doesn’t want to go. He has FOMO and it is manifesting as being a grump.
Obviously YANBU to spend your money as you wish.

What did he say when you compared it to his car purchase?

It's possible you are taking his comment too seriously because of your past relationship history. I know I have a tendency to do that.

Go and enjoy it!

Sounds like your H needs a timely reminder about double standards. Why does he think it's appropriate for him to tell you what you should spend your money on? And if he does think it's fair game, then when does he want to sit down and have a chat about the expensive car he bought, so that you can tell him what you think?

Tell him you're doing this with your money just as he spent £X of his money on his car and you aren't interested in suddenly starting policing each other's spending.

This!! The next time he mentions the cost, tell him that he bought far too much car. End of.

My 8 year old was saying yesterday that Lapland (when he was 3) was the best holiday we’ve ever had. Your DH is v unreasonable to miss out, even more so to say you shouldn’t go.

You'll have a wonderful time in Lapland - just don't use a shit travel agent like Canterbury Travel. And based on how you and DH manage finances, he's being unreasonable to complain about the cost.

He can't have it both ways. It doesn't affect him at all yet he's trying to stop you doing it.

Bear in mind someone will be along soon to say you should be taking your sc with you.

Go to Lapland, make memories. If he wants to be part of it he can otherwise don't let him spoil your fun.

So he gets to spend his money on cars, but I wonder subconsciously if he has earmarked your money to support his retirement.

Yes Lapland is expensive, but it can only be done when the DCs are a certain age and is no more ridiculous than buying a fancy car which depreciates in value every day.

YABU to say "myself and DH have completely separate finances". Yourself doesn't have separate finances.