To just do this anyway even though DH doesn't agree

[purdon]

I know it may be a bit controversial here but myself and DH have completely separate finances. We share bills and that is it. We may mention but we don't really consult about purchases unless it's something like buying something for the house for example.

We receive exactly the same amount salary wise.

DH has made big purchases in the past and not "consulted" me in the sense that he's not asked me if its okay but has spoken to me about it. I'd never veto what he could spend his money on. For example last year he bought an expensive car that I though was a bit stupid but as I say, it's his money and providing he can still pay for what he needs to I don't tell him what he can and can't do.

There are a few reasons we do this, we get on well day to day but our likes and interests differ quite a lot. My husband has older children and I didn't want to join my income into their maintenance/costs, and I was financially, physically and mentally abused for years by an ex so I love having the freedom of my own money.

Anyway, mentioned to DH the other day I want to do an expensive holiday next year with our joint DC (we will also be going on holiday all together somewhere DH likes), it is a holiday he would HATE and have absolutely no interest in going on. But it is a once in a lifetime kind of thing. I'm happy to go alone with our DC. However, DH is complaining now that it's way too much money and I shouldn't go. To be clear it would be paid solely by myself and it won't affect us in any way, no more than him buying the car mentioned above for example.

Aibu to just do it anyway? I know he'd not actually prevent me from taking DC I'm not worried about anything like that. But he might grump a bit.

I think the way you do finances is perfect, we do the same except we don’t earn the same (£28k : £45k) so split bills proportionately.
i don’t know why we have to defend it when it works so well.

i can’t see why your husband would be a grump about it! Unless he secretly wants to go but can’t. enjoy Lapland I’m sure you’ll have an amazing time

Will be a much more enriching experience for your DC than their dad’s flash car! Take them and go enjoy yourselves

Depending on age of child and if you're only going for the whole santa thing - I took my daughter aged 10, after Xmas. It was a fraction of the price and we had all inclusive 4 nights, including excursions of 2hr snowmobiles, reindeer farm/sleigh, driving husky sledges etc. Saw northern lights. None of the elves, santa etc and mostly adults, sort of trip your DH might love too. It was 6yrs ago now but we paid less than £900pp for whole trip including flights.

It's a once in a lifetime thing for children. He obviously does not get doing magical Christmassy things for them. Go for it. The Sami people are so lovely.

If you’ve always had separate finances and this is how you operate within your marriage agreement, then it’s kind of irrelevant what he thinks as long as you can afford it.
He has an opinion, he’s given it, you’re choosing to not take that opinion on. Bish, bosh, done!
Enjoy Lapland x

We did Lapland last year. I was amazed at how much I enjoyed it, thought we were going just for our son, but in reality we had just as much fun and it was so magical for our child. I think your DH will really regret not going. You should definitely go for it.

This is exactly why I would hate to merge finances with someone. Fucked if I am going to be told what to spend my money on.

Do it. I wouldn’t even get into a tit for tat about the car. Just rise above it and do what you want.

YANBU! I'd just go. If he thinks you shouldn't he can get rid of his expensive car that you wouldn't choose.

BTW, I saw a FB reel about lapland saying they booked things separately rather than a package and it ended up about 1/2 the price of the packages. Just checked and it's muddlethroughmummy and goes through what they did with all costs.

The thing about separate/joint finances is a red herring. My finances with my OH are joint, but we respect each other enough that we wouldn't make the other person feel guilty about choosing to spend money on something we wouldn't ourselves choose to spend money on.

Having joint finances for us isn't about vetoing each other, but pooling our resources to support each other.

The OP has a really good reason why separate finances is important for her, and I can see why it would also make her particularly upset by her DHs opinion on her holiday choice. He should be more sensitive to how she would feel about him trying to distance her from going.

I do hope the OP enjoys visiting Lapland, but her DH really needs to not be a grump about this.

How sad! There’s loads of stuff you do with DC that you’d NEVER choose to do normally, but get joy from how much fun they have!
Parenting is all about doing things for your kids, regardless of your own preferences.

I can’t get my head around him not going to Lapland with his children????

So he can buy a car but you can't go n holiday! Does not sound like an equal relationship to me!

The car retains value and is something everyone can use and you may have for a decade or indeed increase in value if rare or desirable

The holiday as an experience will have no lasting value; that's the difference

However this goes for all holidays and experiences like this can stay with you with magic for a lifetime

Make a deal to let him choose the next holiday with equivalent value, without objection or criticism and everybody wins

The car retains value

Cars notoriously depreciate.

The holiday as an experience will have no lasting value; that's the difference

Do you not see value in having a wonderful holiday with DC and memories of it? That’s quite sad.

If their spends are individual, that’s the rule, not whether it’s a one-off or something physical they’ll have for a while. The point isn’t really whether it’s a holiday or a car. It’s that HE allowed himself to splash out on a car but is grumpy that SHE wants to splash out on a holiday. There’s a double standard at play.

Lapland was one of the most amazing holidays I’ve been on! I say go for it OP!

My partner and I largely have separate finances. We are also second time rounders and I think it’s a more common way of doing it

When you say he has older children, how much older?

if you are saying you have a 4 year old and they are 16/17, fair enough. But you really couldn’t be leaving step children much younger than that behind in my opinion It really would send a message regardless of who’s paying.

Do it. He's just jealous he didn't take his other kids and knows he can't go without taking them too

The message being op is allowed to enjoy time with her own kids..

That's a good response

If she goes by herself without dh

Which she's planning on doing so..

Yes , you’re right. Poor morning comprehension skills on my part.

If he has bought the car new, then there will be massive depreciation over the first few years. Far more than any one trip to Lapland could cost.
Even my 10 year old Audi depreciates at the rate of about £1000 per year. It would be hard to list any classic car that retains value without a lot of annual investment and cost up front.

Going against the thread, I do think this is different to buying a car. You're taking the children away on holiday around Christmas to somewhere your husband hates. It might not be about the money, but the fact you're not having a family holiday over the Christmas season that includes all of you. As a parent, I like being around for Christmas experiences. He may feel the same, but just want to do something other than Lapland.

Yes it is early! I need a coffee!