To think I can skip MIL's 60th bday

[anonymoush]

MIL is turning 60 and I'm turning 30 in the same week. Going out for a meal for both birthdays. My DC is a toddler so wouldn't be a good idea to take them to an evening celebration meal because we'd like to go somewhere "fancy" and naturally whenever DC is out for a meal with us due to their age it's hard to maintain a conversation with grownups, more like you get distracted every 2 seconds because either a wipe is needed or they want help feeding or they want to point out how orange the carrot on their plate is etc. Everyone (ie myself, guests, toddler) would be happier is the toddler stayed at home with the nanny whilst we go for the celebration meal.

We have a nanny who does 9-2 a few days a week, she doesn't love doing evening babysitting as she has her own children, is a single mum and (understandably) wants to spend evenings with them. However she's kindly agreed to babysit on one of the dates, up to us which one. We have a great relationship with the nanny, she's absolutely amazing and I don't want to pressure her if she's said that it's once per month max.

PILs are coming down for the weekend from their hometown (a few hours away) and MIL said she'd like to go out for dinner for her birthday. I can't be both at my own birthday dinner and at hers because we only have childcare for one of the evenings. I've said I can join them with DC if it's something like afternoon tea, or we can join for dinner and just have starters then leave (as DC wouldn't stay seated much longer, will want to run around, as it's one of those slow service, fancy restaurant) or we go somewhere more relaxed / not as fancy and I'm happy to be the one doing all child related duties at the dinner (ie passing the wipes to DC when requested, taking them to the toilet, maintaining chat with them or doing colouring so they're entertained). None of these suit. I'm also happy sitting this one out, but the idea is outrageous for MIL and DH because it's MIL's 60th, super important that everyone is there. She wants to go somewhere fancy without the baby but with me there. My husband insists that in this case I should ask the babysitter to cover MIL's birthday and he will just not attend my birthday - I go with just my parents and siblings. I think that's ridiculous - your spouse is a closer relation than a PIL, it's my 30th just as much as it's her 60th.

I'll add that MIL and I don't get on amazingly. We're civil, we can maintain a conversation but due to being very different people, me not being treated particularly kindly by her through pregnancy and postpartum and a few other things, we aren't besties. I think she also doesn't love a few things about me, small things like wishing DH married someone significantly younger (we're same age) and doesn't love that we do one parent one language with me speaking the minority language (ie I speak to my child predominantly in a language she does understand but is by no means fluent in, it's a common tactic to make a child bilingual) but it's nothing like hate or wanting to not be in each others lives.

Except the nanny there's not really many babysitting options - my parents are older and couldn't really cope with an energetic toddler for a whole evening / wouldn't want to, siblings don't live particularly close so it would make it logistically difficult, DC would cry the whole time with MIL if she babysat and shes somewhat disinterested so I doubt she'd want to babysit either.

AIBU to want to either skip MIL's birthday or do one of the other options I've suggested - a more relaxed restaurant, an earlier meal like lunch or afternoon tea or leave halfway through the meal? As opposed to having my husband be absent at my own 30th.

She's not willing to flexible with her own birthday at all, so why should she expect it of MIL. Bad as each other.

She going for dinner with her parents and siblings. Exactly the kind of thing she wants to take her toddler to for MILs birthday.

Why might it be the last one? Life expectancy for women in the UK is 82.8 years. Retirement age is 67 so do employers need contingency plans for all the over 60s dropping down dead at their desks?

OP knows that, hence her suggestions. OP doesn’t think MIL should change her birthday plans and should have what she wants except for OP not being there. She has said that several times.

OP is perfectly fine not going to MIL’s birthday.

Her husband doesn’t want to hire an agency babysitter and she isn’t comfortable with it either.

They both know and agree her parents can’t watch them and it is ridiculous how many posters think they should be used and added money for agency babysitter to be there with them.

It is other posters that have suggested she should change her birthday plans and use the sitter for MIL’s birthday so MIL gets what she wants. Others have suggested the agency babysitter and been rude to OP about her being uncomfortable with it when her own husband is too. They’ve suggested MIL should change hers and include GC but OP again has said MIL doesn’t have to do that.

All MIL has to do is accept OP is not going to be there.

Seems more like a DH problem since he suggesting he not attend his wife’s birthday when she wants him there and her to use the nanny for MIL’s birthday when he can attend both parties and OP not go to his mum’s.

Wait, so your husband thinks it's fine that he isn't at your 30th but they can't accept that you, her DIL, wouldn't be at her 60th?

That seems ludicrous and double standards.

"Sorry MIL, childcare plans haven't worked out due to both special birthdays being within the week. As you'll understand, I need to celebrate my own 30th, so husband will come to your 60th but I won't be able to make it although I'd love to catch up over a glass of wine another evening to celebrate yours. I hope you understand".

If she doesn't, sod her.

If her child needed her, or she didn’t have a babysitter, then as a parent, she may need to compromise. But her child will be safe with their nanny, so OP doesn’t need to compromise her birthday plans. It’s crazy that OP is expected to not do what she wants for her birthday, just so that MIL can do what she wants on her birthday. 🤯

Yep, he's prioritising the wrong person here. If he can't see that, then he has bigger problems. He can go to both, I really can't see the issue.

She doesn’t want to though. She suggested she could if it’s so important that she is there. She has stated that she is happy to sit this one out and leg then have a child free meal.

And that's fine, but you can hardly point fingers at MIL when she's doing the exact same thing. Her DH has married his mum for sure.

It's still a completely different experience for the OP if her child is present. She made the suggestions to her MIL as the MIL is insistent that OP attends her birthday dinner. OP is perfectly happy to stay at home with her toddler while her husband attends his mum's 60th.

That solution is not acceptable to MIL or her DH and her DH wants her to use up her once a month evening babysitting by their nanny on his mum's birthday rather than her own.

I only meant life is short, you don’t know what is around the corner. I don’t think everyone will be dropping dead in their 60s! I just feel family milestones are precious and I wouldn’t want to miss them. That goes for the 30th milestone too!

If your MIL really wanted you there she would accommodate. Her son is going so I don’t see the big deal in you not going honestly!

AND If my own DH suggested he didn’t attend my birthday so I could attend MIL then I’d divorce him.

Going against the grain here but I think your MILs birthday is a bigger deal. She's 60 and won't have many big celebrations left. 30th birthdays weren't really a thing till recently.

I would go to mils and get a takeaway with family for mine. You can go out for a nice meal another time when your nanny is free.

We've had to compromise on loads of celebrations due to having young kids and no babysitters. Once your kids are older it will be much easier.

Posting again as couldn’t edit.

OP has been told that it is outrageous for her not to attend. She suggested ways that she could attend, but has said she’s happy to sit this one out. OP doesn’t have a close relationship with MIL so it’s not that important that she’s there.

By sitting this one out, OPs husband can go to his mums meal, that his mum has chosen, and OPs meal that OP has chosen, whereas if OP goes to MILs meal, OP has to either not do what she has chosen for her birthday, or do what she has chosen but without her own husband there. She presumably does have a close relationship with her own husband so it’s important he’s there.

So how long is this going to go on for then?

70 is going to be more important than 40 right?

MIL and OP are cordial at best but OP is supposed to accommodate her over her own birthday because MIL is older and wait til MIL is gone til she can have the birthday she likes?

It’s madness isn’t it? 🤣

I agree it's something between the OP and her husband to resolve. Though quite how she achieves that is another matter. She could possibly put pressure on him to choose her meal, but having him do that against his wishes would take the shine off for me. Unless she intends to insist and have him there against his will, or divorce him because he prefers to attend his mother's meal, practically, all she can do is accept they will be going to seperate meals or change her own plans to include her child.
Or refuse to attend her MiLs, obviously. Which she has every right to do.

He can go to both meals, he doesn’t have to choose.

It is.

I have to accommodate someone because they are older than me and may not have long to live as if younger people don’t die. I have had people I’ve grown up with die before reaching 30, the youngest being 17 when I was 16 and several of them perfectly healthy so the whole they may die someday when it comes to older people really annoys me.

Nothing OP has posted has been in any way 'aggressive'. A direct style of communication and the ability to articulate one's position clearly are not interchangeable with aggression, and those terms of reference don't change because the speaker happens to be female. Compare the frequency in which men as opposed to women are accused of being 'bossy', 'strident' or 'shrill', and you get some sense of the kinds of attitudes that are colouring this accusation.

Nor are the expectations OP and MiL are mutually making of each other in any way comparable. OP is not demanding MiL's presence. MiL is not only harping on the 'your attendance is expected' tune, she also expects it on exactly her terms and with no capacity for compromise. It's also unclear exactly why MiL hankers after her DiL's company when the relationship between them is only lukewarm. But the key difference is that MiL does not have a toddler, and has apparently forgotten what it's like to parent a toddler. The lengthy digression into what OP is and isn't comfortable with in terms of childcare is immaterial. This is the only point at which the thread does get angsty: some PPs have interpreted OP's decisions as some kind of slight on them personally. They're not.

MiL's rigidity and inflexibility have made your attendance untenable, OP. They can hold the dinner without you, and you don't need an excuse, 'weak' or otherwise. As for your husband's attitude, if he's serious about your both attending MiL's birthday dinner and ignoring yours then you're well within the rights to be extremely disappointed in him. I can imagine all this unpleasant negotiation between who is allowed to do what, where and when, has taken some of the shine and pleasure away from your own celebration. I'm sorry if this is the case, and the cynical side of me does tend toward wondering whether that was the intention.

Think her best bet is to ask him why he is ok skipping her birthday knowing she wants him there, but not him attending both hers and his mother’s when she could not attend his mother’s.

Why is it ok for his mother to have the childfree birthday she wants with her there but she can’t have a childfree meal with him and her family?

Whatever his answer is will likely say what happens next.

Or she could compromise, have her birthday celebration next month, go out for lunch, find somewhere less fancy, get a babysitter.

It's not worth falling out over IMO.

It's crude and ill-considered emotional blackmail. Old age is a privilege. It's one that my own beautiful mum, for one, never got to enjoy. Nor was she the sort ever to engage in this kind of manipulative behaviour to bend others to her will.

As a more general observation, DiL/MiL threads are now rivalling WOHM vs SAHM and breast vs formula as amongst the most confrontational of MN threads. There's a common lament that mothers-in-law are 'hated' on Mumsnet.

My observation is the reverse. On this site specifically, younger women are often expected to put their own best interests, wishes and wellbeing at the abolute bottom of the family priority list. Men are frequently given a free pass for behaviour that's subject to the most vehement censure if a woman indulged in exactly the same. That attitude seems to be leaching over into the female hierarchy, with the seeming expectation expressed on many threads that younger women should defer consistently to their elder female relatives. They should break their backs to please their mothers-in-law and be quite happy to be treated with a complete lack of consideration or even courtesy in return.

If any group of people is 'hated' on MN, it isn't mothers-in-law. It's daughters-in-law. And it's younger mothers in particular. These days, 'Mumsnet' is increasingly looking like a misnomer.

MIL could do the same.

Doubt there would be a fallout given that their relationship is just cordial anyway.