MIL comments on DS ' clever ' behaviour

[wanttobelikeyou]

I have two kids. My older child is 4 and my younger child is 2.

This isn't a big deal and a bit lighthearted but it does annoy me.

My 2 year old is quite ' clever ' in certain ways. He's a normal, very cheeky toddler in other ways, but my in laws and parents often comment on his behaviour in a ' wow isn't he so clever ' kind of way. They also make similar comments about my older child.

Example of the younger child - he loves to tidy up and put things in their place. He just kind of does it, without being prompted. I don't mean tidying up his toys but just putting his shoes away, putting things in their place or putting things in the bin. My older girl just didn't like this. No matter how hard I try. She gets defiant about it. My DS is in that 'little helper' phase and doesn't need to be asked, he just does it.

My in laws and parents marvel at this and my mother in law always says ' yes it's the nursery, they taught him to be like that '. This annoys me. It's not the nursery, it's just how he is. My older one just wasn't like that, even at that age and I still struggle to get her to put her shoes away. Anyway, I'm not taking credit for my DS behaviour but I equally don't think he learnt it at nursery. I model the behaviour to both kids and always have. The nursery have modelled the behaviour to both kids too and it is seemingly sticking more with one than the other. It just is what it is.

But why would MIL need to give all credit to nursery anyway ? It just annoys me. My son is with me most of the time. Credit should be given to him, not to anyone but why when giving credit to anyone- does it need to be given to the nursery and not to me ? It's typical of MIL.

This seems like an overreaction to be honest. It possibly is because of nursery because he will be seeing all the other kids do it so it becomes natural.

Credit should be given to him, not to anyone but why when giving credit to anyone- does it need to be given to the nursery and not to me ? It's typical of MIL. Well, your other child isn't like this, so either it's not you or you've learnt a lot between DC1 and DC2

I think you're over-reacting. It's better than commenting on how dense he can be!

I wonder if the fact that DC1 is female and DC2 is male is anything to do with it. Dc2 will be "carrying on the name" (if naming conventions are still intact when he grows up, which is a big "if")

It's typical of MIL Maybe, but since she's the DC's grandmother, you're stuck with her, and it might be more productive to seek out and dwell on any nice things she does. Looking for the unpleasant things increases resentment, and makes it even easier to notice further unpleasant things. Looking for nice things does the reverse.

Credit should be given to him, not to anyone but why when giving credit to anyone- does it need to be given to the nursery and not to me ? It's typical of MIL. Well, your other child isn't like this, so either it's not you or you've learnt a lot between DC1 and DC2

Or not everything we do influences our kids and they just have different personalities ?

I think this is quite widespread tbh, the idea that nursery is essential and will teach them skills they could never otherwise acquire etc. I think it's origin is in working parents guilt and the need to believe that they're actually better off at nursery than they would be at home. I expect MIL has just picked up on this commonly held view point.

Honestly, it's not worth getting upset about it. I a few years time DS will probably be kicking his shoes off at the door too.

Just let MIL praise him how she likes and be glad they have a nice relationship.

My DM is exactly like this, one of those people that needs to find a reason or an explanation for everything. Nothing is ever down to chance or ‘just because’, there must always be a reason. Usually, to suit her narrative. I agree it is incredibly frustrating. But there isn’t much you can do really. Some people are just like that.

I’d leave it go. Unless there’s a huge backstory and you just blaming it on this throwaway comment. Otherwise it’s a strange comment but not important

You are over reacting, it's a very minor annoyance. Chill out, and remember to try to like your inlaws!

I get the annoyance. Try to find a mantra you can chant when she says things like this. I get that its ultimately an erasure of you. Good things in your children are attributed to outside forces. Your mothering skills are invisible.

My late MIL always used to comment about how you could see the dc were ‘Smiths’ (not their actual surname!), as if I’d played no part! In fact one of the dc looked remarkably like my Mum. I got on fine with MIL, so it just used to make me smile inwardly, and I didn’t comment, but I can imagine I’d have got really irritated if relations were not normally good.

YANBU because it’s not innocent praise for your 2yr old, it is directly comparing your 2yr old to your 4yr old and always in a way that marks out the 2yr old as the ‘wow so clever’ child who is miles better than their older sibling.

Your MIL has a favourite grandchild and this will get worse if you don’t nip it the bud. It will psychologically damage both your children. They are even now old enough to start internalising the message of 4yr old being the stupid, messy difficult child and the 2yr old being the clever, neat and mummy’s helper child.

She needs to stop with the favouritism or you need to protect your children from her.

I think that's why it's annoying indeed.

Nothing to do with my kids is attributable to me. The way they look is nothing to do with me and my genes according to her.

Their interests are all based on her and her families interests and because ' daddy loves cars ' or auntie ' loves to paint ' and ' grandpa loves music '..

It's natural to an extent to try and find ways they fit into their family but sometimes it's a bit annoying. And now even positive things they do, have nothing to do with me but are suddenly the nursery's achievement.

They're still young but if they're good academically is that also just like ' auntie Margaret ? ' and not because I work my arse off at home to help them / ground them and nurture them?

It's not a big deal what she said, just a bit annoying and the usual.

You're saying his behaviour isn't particularly 'good' or 'clever', but yet you also want to take the credit for this behaviour? It seems like it matters not a lot whether she claims it was learned at nursery. Just firmly say, 'well we do this at home also but he's just like that. The older one hates tidying and they both went to the same nursery.' Then just move the convo on. It's not a big deal.

Yeah I would get too stressed about it but I know what you mean!

My Dad would credit everything good my DDs did with nursery "she must have learnt that at nursery" etc and sometimes I'd be like er hello I actually teach her stuff too 😂

Is it because he's a boy? My MIL is like that, she calls his girl cousin bossy. She's said 'he's leaps and bounds ahead of her'. He isn't!!! It's because she prefers boys. They're 2 BTW.

Ofgs 🤣🤣🤣

seriously you are getting in a twist over this?!

too much time to think

I haven’t had this particular experience, but my MIL insists to this day that my children look nothing like my family and everything like hers; and my parents think they look nothing like DH’s family and everything like theirs!

They’re just seeing what they want to see. As we know from the rest of life, that’s almost always not fact. Leave her to it and have confidence in yourself. In one ear and out the other. Or, say something: actually, I’ve been teaching him that at home, nursery couldn’t give a toss.

Just say to her - Yes, the moment he popped out I handed over all nurturing to outside forces.

It’s probably because most people bring up children in the same or similar way, especially when there isn’t a big age gap. Your children are difference so the obvious assumption is someone or something else has taught your younger child to do something since you didn’t do it with your eldest.

Thats not “the assumption “ thats their assumption. And its logical only if you think OP was in a coma for four years and didn’t learn anything or change anything in her mothering since the first.

I didn't do anything differently. They just have a different personality, which they were born with. I didn't suddenly start modelling to put shoes away with my second. I've always done it and always encouraged it.

Not everything a young child does, is a reflection of parenting. I would say a great deal of what they do, is their own personality

It's also entirely possible he did pick this up at nursery. Why are you so keen to dismiss its influence in favour of "their own personality"?

At least she isn't saying "oh op's dh used to do that. He's so like his dad .."😂

@Onlyonekenobe it's just based on my own experience with my kids. You might not agree but I really think they have their own personality and development timeline and not that it's because of a lot of things I did to shape them. My little one just enjoys being a little helper, it's his age. My older one has different qualities and didn't care to impress or be praised as much as he likes to be when she was that age. She just did what she wanted. She also wouldn't just repeat words a lot. She just did it when she wanted to. The little one enjoys it more. So many small examples of just their own preference and development. They're different.

Sounds like your looking to pick at mil for saying a perfectly normal thing