MIL comments on DS ' clever ' behaviour

[wanttobelikeyou]

I have two kids. My older child is 4 and my younger child is 2.

This isn't a big deal and a bit lighthearted but it does annoy me.

My 2 year old is quite ' clever ' in certain ways. He's a normal, very cheeky toddler in other ways, but my in laws and parents often comment on his behaviour in a ' wow isn't he so clever ' kind of way. They also make similar comments about my older child.

Example of the younger child - he loves to tidy up and put things in their place. He just kind of does it, without being prompted. I don't mean tidying up his toys but just putting his shoes away, putting things in their place or putting things in the bin. My older girl just didn't like this. No matter how hard I try. She gets defiant about it. My DS is in that 'little helper' phase and doesn't need to be asked, he just does it.

My in laws and parents marvel at this and my mother in law always says ' yes it's the nursery, they taught him to be like that '. This annoys me. It's not the nursery, it's just how he is. My older one just wasn't like that, even at that age and I still struggle to get her to put her shoes away. Anyway, I'm not taking credit for my DS behaviour but I equally don't think he learnt it at nursery. I model the behaviour to both kids and always have. The nursery have modelled the behaviour to both kids too and it is seemingly sticking more with one than the other. It just is what it is.

But why would MIL need to give all credit to nursery anyway ? It just annoys me. My son is with me most of the time. Credit should be given to him, not to anyone but why when giving credit to anyone- does it need to be given to the nursery and not to me ? It's typical of MIL.

Of all the things in life to worry about, what a weird issue to get hung up over, or start a thread about.

Family/ in-laws are never going to be perfect so some things you just need to let slide and ignore

My PILs are like this OP. Everything comes from them, one of their other sons...not even her son that is actually their father and definitely not from me.

Even things like hair colour, I have dark brown hair that my daughter also has, but my MIL has traced it back to some distant relative on her side.

When my children leant a new skill, she’d say they got it from her or pre school when I’d taught it to them.

Our children are apparently bright because my partners brother is bright...despite both of us doing much better academically than this brother. The fact that my children have worked hard at school also has nothing to do with it.

When it’s something they see as negative, like needing glasses to read the board at school, then that obviously comes from me. 🤣

My PILs are batshit and annoying and my children realised that some years ago.

I found it mildly irritating AT best. Not everyone who posts here does so because it's such a huge issue in their life.

I was just bored and wondered if anyone else had experienced similar things or would find it mildly irritating.

It's not that deep. Posting about it, is also not that deep. I was literally just bored. Which is also why I'm not engaging with the thread, because it's just not that deep. I'm not going to get wound up about it.

Fair enough OP, you are right. We should all be able to post about minor and major bug bears without being called out, I apologise

My MIL used to comment on DS’s ‘cleverness’ and then say ‘he obviously takes after his father’ 😡

This is a huge reach!! Sounds like it’s likely she can’t do right for doing wrong.

My MIL had a tendency to attribute any positive behaviour to her side of the family.

i have one DC v gifted at music. My family is extremely musical and two have made their living from music in my immediate family. My DH is tone deaf and terrible at singing ( as are all my in-laws. Of course, my child musical talent is directly attributed to MILs daughter once performing oboe at a primary schoo concert 40 years ago. Not any of the vast numbers of professional concerts performed over the years by my side of the family…

According to my IL my kids good manners was nothing to do with DH or I - despite fact we clearly enforced which at times they tried to interfere with - though they take credit with their mates when they can.

FIL take credit for DD1 doing her particular uni course - he watched a tv show along the lines - we did too we also bought books, watch other TV shows bought books, audio books, found radio programs, took them on related days out, support her related hobbies over years - took her to uni open days when her grades were starting to look lower than hoped found uni and course she could get on after considering her and her interests - then got her there. All of this is irrelevant it's down to him watch a TV show for a few years.

I did worry about excessive prise for quite ordinary stuff - especially when MIL would take say knitting of them and do it give it back and say how wonderful you've done it - turns out my kids were not daft and saw though all the OTT praise and seem to valued the praise they earned more.

It can be very irritating then you learn to shrug it off and laugh at it mostly or find ways to politely push back.

This would really annoy me too

Then say to her next time she says it's the nursery "No it isn't, it's his personality. It's not nursery, they didn't teach him that."

If he goes to nursery full time then it probably is nursery. There’s no shame in recognising that

My son went to nursery two days a week for less than a year. My mum still credits the nursery for his academic abilities. He’s nine now. It drives me crazy too. Why are mums responsible when children do something wrong but never when they do something right. Like you I think my son should be credited for his achievements but I do hope I’ve helped him on the way.

Did your older one not go to nursery or go to a different nursery? It's odd to me that your MIL would make that comment unless there was a difference like that.

We’re the same!!

my parents never praise me unless it’s it’s linked to their own parenting, which in turn compares me as a baby to my son, so it’s an indirect criticism of both me and my DS. my DF said my DS looked like his sister… DS is my double.

but my other DS (younger) is far more advanced etc than DS (older) according to my parents.

my MIL obvs favourably compares her grandson to her son.

so on both sides I, the mother don’t exist

I get it. My two year old is ridiculously polite. By which. I don’t mean he is well behaved, not naughty or cheeky on occasions. He is a typical two year old.

If he is having a tantrum instead of shouting ‘no’ he shouts ‘no thank you’ on repeat. If I kiss him goodbye or goodnight he says ‘thank you’ for the kiss. He also says ‘pardon me’ every time he pumps or burps (embarrassingly on one occasion grandma pumped in a shop and he loudly said ‘grandma is pumping. Pardon me grandma’).

Nobody has taught him this. We’ve modelled the usual please and thank you manners behaviours etc. but this excessive politeness is entirely him and likely a phase.

It is definitely his character.

I don’t know why other people or more specifically your mother in law doesn’t attribute things to your child and their own personality or to your parenting. It is annoying. I do find though people in general only comment on parenting when they perceive it to be poor so perhaps silence is a good thing.

I'd file this under "annoying, but petty, ignore".

I have a background in child development, and have to smile blandly when family comment on my son does this or that. Sometimes he's ahead, sometimes he's behind of developmental norms. Their comments are usually way OTT!

MIL has a tendency of telling me that everything he does, he got from his dad - as if a) there's nothing I have done to model behaviour to him and b) a trait couldn't possibly have come from me.

But really she's just reminiscing about her son at the same age, and i don't factor in her thinking at all.

(Though I did have side by side photos of me, our son and my husband, in order to shut up the "he looks exactly like DH" comments. DS is my mini me in looks.)

I totally get it. I’ve read a few posts sayings it’s an overreaction but I got loads of similar comments for PIL’s. My little girl only went to nursery one day but she would sing a nursery rhyme and I would hear ‘she must learn it from nursery’, ‘her vocab is really good, probably from nursery’, ‘she’s good at ‘whatever’ it must be nursery.

You are very gracious saying you didn’t want the praise but I definitely did! Definitely didn’t want the credit going to staff who spent 7 hours a week with her 😂

I guess if you are someone who generally gets on well with your parents / PiL it could be that they know you didn't really want to put DC in nursery or to go back to work and would prefer to be with them (or that's how they felt about their own children) so point out all these 'positives' as Nursery taught skills to flag benefits and to attempt to assuage 'mum guilt'.

But really she's just reminiscing about her son at the same age

Exactly. And if there's a grandparent who doesn't find themselves doing the same, I'd be surprised. There's nothing like a grandchild under five years old, to stimulate happy memories of their parent at that age.
I'm guessing that OP 's mother does it too, but because it's her mum, she doesn't notice. And because her mum's son in law is a father, he doesn't take offence at her doing so.

So far my son in law hasn't turned a hair (as far as I know) when I tell my grandkids stories about their mum and auntie doing the kind of things that they're doing now.

MIL praises child. DIL loses her shit. 🙄

To be fair, my mum is equally annoying for different reasons!

I was an absolute prodigy in terms of walking and talking, and my son is just the early side of normal.

And she seems to take delight in telling me that I'm doing things wrong by "paying attention to when he naps" whilst on the other hand grousing that "you never slept that well at night as a baby" (yeah, sounds like you dragged me around with the rest of them and I was an overtired monster at night?).

Bottom line is, grandparents are:

• sentimental about their own kids
• only ever raised 1-3/4 kids usually (everyone thinks they're a parenting expert after what is a relatively small number of children!)
• are subject to nature's hormonal drive to make you forget stuff so you have more kids

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Just remind yourself that you're doing a great job.