MIL comments on DS ' clever ' behaviour

[wanttobelikeyou]

I have two kids. My older child is 4 and my younger child is 2.

This isn't a big deal and a bit lighthearted but it does annoy me.

My 2 year old is quite ' clever ' in certain ways. He's a normal, very cheeky toddler in other ways, but my in laws and parents often comment on his behaviour in a ' wow isn't he so clever ' kind of way. They also make similar comments about my older child.

Example of the younger child - he loves to tidy up and put things in their place. He just kind of does it, without being prompted. I don't mean tidying up his toys but just putting his shoes away, putting things in their place or putting things in the bin. My older girl just didn't like this. No matter how hard I try. She gets defiant about it. My DS is in that 'little helper' phase and doesn't need to be asked, he just does it.

My in laws and parents marvel at this and my mother in law always says ' yes it's the nursery, they taught him to be like that '. This annoys me. It's not the nursery, it's just how he is. My older one just wasn't like that, even at that age and I still struggle to get her to put her shoes away. Anyway, I'm not taking credit for my DS behaviour but I equally don't think he learnt it at nursery. I model the behaviour to both kids and always have. The nursery have modelled the behaviour to both kids too and it is seemingly sticking more with one than the other. It just is what it is.

But why would MIL need to give all credit to nursery anyway ? It just annoys me. My son is with me most of the time. Credit should be given to him, not to anyone but why when giving credit to anyone- does it need to be given to the nursery and not to me ? It's typical of MIL.

Does any of this actually matter a hoot? Seriously, you need something to bloody worry about.

Well why don’t you tell the DCs how clever mummy is - your delish cooking (when it is), ‘you’re just like mummy was when mummy was your age so good at x, ,y andz’

i think small DCs do take on what is said by adults around them. Just big up yourself and your family’s skills.

I think you need to relax about this OP. Everyone is going to have their own reaction to your children. In just the same way that you can celebrate each of your children for just being themselves, can't you give space to your MIL to just be herself?
You seem rather disposed towards finding something annoying in whatever she says. You don't need to suppress that annoyance (you, too, just like your DCs and your MIL, are allowed to be yourself), but try not to look for ways of feeding and nurturing it.

Maybe she is just trying to make conversation. Flatter child or you. Just chattering to fill silent moments.

Some people just need a reason for everything.

This is a ridiculous thing to get upset about. Of course they learn it at nursery, what's wrong with that? Some kids have very different behaviour at home and elsewhere, some tend to be consistent. It sounds like you are adjusting to having a new little personality around the house in DS and things are different than with DD. MIL is vocalising every observation. That's just how it is with two kids. They are different and it's mostly innate. Let MIL comment away, maybe its irritating but it sounds like she really enjoys her GC and you seem to have a sensitive spot about this.

Does it matter, really? It kind of sounds like you're looking for reasons to be annoyed with your in-laws.

You really don't like your mil do you?
I really detest dil's like you who pick fault with every single thing her in laws say or do.
Just remember, your son is likely to get married one day...

I have this with both of my kids. My DS is super tidy. Likes to have clear outs. He's 9. Has been this way since he was a toddler. Needed order from the get go. My DD isn't. She's 14 and I will be lucky if I can see her floor. Chalk and cheese. Same upbringing, same nurseries, same schools. Different personalities.
You may be letting the comments sink in because MIL has pissed you off in the past. Let it go OP. It's not worth it. Wait until your DS is doing well academically and they constantly tell you it's from their side of the family....it never gets old 🙄

I get that it can be irksome, but I don't think I would bother getting het up over it. I'd just let it wash over me. It's not the worst thing you read of MILs doing on here.

In fact, if this sort of conversation started when mine were small I just used to tell people that they were the best bits of me and the worst bits of DH. He would in turn say they were the best bits of him and the worst bits of me! 😲🤣 It always defused things and remains a family joke now, with said children in their twenties.

Of course grandparents notice traits that fit members of their family. Basically because most of us don't know the members of the other parent's side of the family well enough.

And of course we knew our own kids as children so out grandchildren remind us of their mum or dad (whichever we produced) at the same age.

I've realised that I told my son in law this morning, that my granddaughter looked like she was going to take after her auntie (my other daughter) in a particular skill.
I suppose it could be that his sibling is also good at this skill, but I wouldn't know, because I've only met him twice, for about ten minutes each time.

You sound quite high maintenance reading so much into something so minor, so someone doesn't praise DC exactly to your preference? Why does it matter?! It's normal and quite fun/reassuring for family members to look for family traits and ultimately who cares who gets 'credit' for DC behaviour. It comes across that you don't like MIL, but if you look hard enough for things to be upset about you will find them! Life is too short for this level of petty

But this is, potentially, quite rude. If you are complimenting the child then compliment the child but if you are stealth complimenting your side of the family then stop and ask whether this will have a good effect in your relationship with the lone member of the “other side” who you are rhetorically excluding. You could, for instance, say “I love little Ludivic’s painting! Is anyone on your side interested in art?” Then, if this doesn’t get the praise you want you can add some specificity to this all important family saga and say “My aunt Cecilia was known for her paintings of dogs playing poker. We always thought she might end up in the louvre.”

My in-laws used to mildly irritate me over trivia like this. Then they died suddenly. And I wish I'd been less touchy to be honest. They were lovely people who sometimes phrased things in an awkward way. They meant no harm at all.

The praise I want? You have an odd take on this.

I think youre looking to be offended where there really really seems to be NONE. Is it because you want the praise or something? What's the backstory - you dont like MIL? MIL doesn't like you? MIL did something you a few years ago you've not let go of? MIL is interfering? or is it that you want the praise for your son being so clever - almost like YOU taught him to be like this etc? Im confused... OR is this a stealth boast OP - look how clever my young child is... ;)

It's normal and quite fun/reassuring for family members to look for family traits

Exactly. I think it's almost instinctive, and I imagine there's something fairly primal that makes relatives look for connections that confirm a young child's belonging to 'the clan'.

Credit should be given to him, not to anyone

Well that's why she called him clever. Which also annoyed you.

You seem hard to please!

Sounds like the normal yet highly irritating things you notice that those close to you, who you would not necessarily have chosen to be friends with, ie family, often do/say.

Brace yourself for the flood of 'you're so over sensitive/over thinking/gosh you're hard work' comments from those paragons of virtue who have never experienced a moments irritation at the illogical and sometimes offensive witterings of their relatives. They're either not human, or they are liars.

Theres nowt you can do about it, play a mental 'bingo' game with an imaginary card full of all the bullshit she says, and then chuck it in the fuck it bucket and find something more constructive to do.

It would irritate the shit out of me too, but when you can't stop, or alter those irritating behaviours in others, you have to find a way to live with it and stop yourself from getting a flamethrower and melting their faces off!

So. Your DC do things their grandma thinks are positive and clever. But to avoid irritating you, she should ignore it and not praise the child, or if she must comment positively, should address it to you as its down to you your DS tidies up, but not that your DD doesn't because it's just their personality. But she mustn't praise personality traits like being clever. Is that right?

People talk drivel all the time. I bet your friends come out with inane comments sometimes too. I bet you do as well.

I think you’re looking for something, anything, no matter how trivial, to take the hump about because she’s your MIL.

I'm guessing that if your mum said it, you wouldn't even notice, never mind take offence.

I also hear the erasure of you.

My two are also very different, one is 9 and has started to cook for herself she can make scrambled eggs and toast and pasta (with water help).
The eldest never took an interest, they come at things at different times I don't believe forcing this stuff.

Either ignore it or fight back, eg that's interesting my interest match your auntie mable also do you think she took after aunt mable or me. Etc

I think that's quite standard! My Mum raved about how amazing DD's nursery must be and now about her school and credits them for every good thing she does, or alternatively, says "Oh, I taught her to do that," as if DH and I are just passive bystanders in DD's life 😂 Unless, of course, she's being a madam, and then it's our fault for too much TV/ not enough boundaries/ too many choices.

Regarding the clever thing, it might just be that DS is a quicker learner than DD and having had one grandchild they notice the difference with the second one. From what you've said, there's no comparison intended, they're not saying your DD isn't clever, just that DS is. If I say my DD is so sociable and confident, when I know my SD is autistic and hates most people, am I insulting SD? If I say my SD is laidback and easy going, when I know my DD is tightly wound and quick to flare up, am I insulting DD?

Because DC1 still doesn't do implies that you don't enforce the behaviour at home. Yet at nursery they have to do it no exceptions; so it makes sense that it's because of nursery and not you.

Mother in law is correct. The nurseries do teach children to tidy up. Put shoes away put on coat ect. It's part of the curriculum.