To have shouted at a stranger at the pool?

[Fullmooncomfort]

I’m still mulling this over so needed some opinions from you wise owls. The fact I’m still thinking about it makes me think I probably did the wrong thing 😖

scenario: busy pool today with Dd8 and her friend, we had just into a family cubicle to change after a nice swim. Changing rooms were busy and in high demand which is normal for weekend family swim time. We’d been in there for a couple of mins (so just at the stage I’m half dressed with dripping wet hair and the girls are wrapped up in towels slowly starting to dry off). The door to the cubicle gets banged on really loudly so I ignored it assuming someone had the wrong cubicle. However when it happened again really loudly I said “it’s occupied, won’t be too long” and the person on the other side started shouting about a jacket and rattling the door. The knocking and rattling of
the door continued and got louder and this girls started to get upset so I opened it a crack to say I think you’ve got the wrong cubicle, and a very red faced angry woman started shouting at me saying I’d taken her cubicle and stolen her daughter’s jacket 🤷‍♀️I had to speak loudly as she was literally just ranting and I said I think you have the wrong cubicle, it’s me and 2 girls and we are changing so please step away and you are welcome to come in when we are done but there’s nothing it in apart from our stuff.
She then put her hand on the door and continued to shout about a jacket, saying she needed to come in and check as I had clearly moved her clothes out of it and stolen the cubicle and jacket. I finally lost my temper and shouted back (I know that was wrong but it was awful, the girls were upset and she had her hand on the door so I couldn’t shut and lock it) and she started really yelling at me. I didn’t know what to do so asked loudly if security was around (lots of wide eyed parents standing who did nothing but not a lifeguard in sight as they were poolside and no security as they of course would normally have no reason to patrol a kids changing area)
She then screamed that I was racist and she was calling security on me for theft 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️and walked off, so I went back in to reassure the girls, having locked the door.
Next thing I know a lifeguard of about 17 who looked confused knocked on the door and said a lady had come to complain that her daughter’s expensive jacket had been stolen and I had been racist towards her. I felt really upset (I think just shock) and managed to wobble out the above story and that I was finishing getting the girls ready and we would come out and she could check it for this jacket (that clearly wasn’t in there). Then a security guard arrived so it was chaotic at this point, it all got repeated and she said she would try and find the women. She came back after a few minutes to say she’d spoken to her and told her she should have been polite and waited for us to exit before going in to check if the coat was in there, but that she had denied raising her voice and said that I had been deliberately goading and obstructive and racist. I got quite upset and said I certainly wasn’t racist or goading and while I did stop her entering the cubicle it was only because the girls were naked and we had just started getting changed. She sort of shrugged and nodded and walked off and I gathered up my things and we left. I feel awful for having lost my temper and shouted at her and for security, which scared the girls more, but I simply lost my rag after repeated attempts to ask her to wait while
we finished changing, and then she was so aggressive. I’ve had to explain to the girls what racist means and how It was nothing to do with race, but I’m mortified my DD and her friend saw me raise my voice and shout at her to move away from the civil cubicle. WWYHD in that situation? My gut tells me I handled it badly but it was all so sudden and intense and I think my fear turned into anger ☹️

How did she know she wasn't white when the door was closed?
Other woman behaved badly, got called out and tried to shut the op down by the use of the word racism.
How about the other woman thought about it from OPs perspective you know vulnerable with two young children?

Live a bit of a sheltered life do you?

How else could you have handled it? You were polite to her several times and she behaved really badly. I don't think it was your reaction that scared the girls, it was more likely the fact that this mad woman was shouting at you while you were all trying to get dressed.

I can relate to this. At the leisure club I go to - separate male and female changing rooms - there are 3 shower cubicles in the changing rooms, one of which is an accessible shower cubicle. They all have hooks behind the doors.
Now bearing in mind these are shower cubicles and they’re obviously wet for most of the time after previous people have used them, some daft gits over the years have tried to “bag” a shower cubicle and left all of their belongings inside. They mostly did this in the accessible shower cubicle and bizarrely I once saw shoes left in the sink inside the accessible shower 🙄.

There are lockers but hey why not leave all your stuff in a shower cubicle, which you can only lock from the inside, and chance coming back after a swim/workout to see if it’s still dry/soaking wet or even present at all seeing as anyone could walk by and steal it.

I remember coming into the changing room and seeing just the sort of dumbass, who would leave their stuff in a shower cubicle a few years ago. They were kicking off because their stuff had been moved into a locker (as it transpired by a member of staff). It was when this person went on about, “my stuff could have been stolen,“ which made me laugh out loud. Clearly didn’t realise the shower cubicle was less safe than putting it inside a locker and closing the door.

I think from your post you sound like you did just fine. However, as you asked and there was a mention of racism. I would suggest you take some extra time to reflect from the other lady's perspective...
if she was writing this post what would she have written?
she clearly believed that was the cubicle they left clothes in, so in her mind you were a possible thief.
she knocked several times before you acknowledged her and several more before you opened the door.
you say you acted out of fear, would you have handled the situation any differently if she'd been white? (Maybe not, but definitely worth double checking yourself)
you refer to her as aggressive - this is something which commonly comes up for women of non-white backgrounds. They are more likely to to be described as aggressive. Would you have described her as upset if she was white?
again the answer to all these questions may be no. Particularly when you are reeling and perhaps haven't considered racism or faced a situation when it has come up before. You speak from a position of great privilege when racism is something that is taught only in the classroom and your daughter hasn't had a need to discuss it in real life by the age of 8.
The involving of security, your outrage at her invading your privacy, all of this is (understandably) only seeing the incident from your perspective.
overall it sounds like you handled a difficult situation well, but I think it's always worth giving some extra reflection especially when there is an imbalance of power involved.

There aren’t enough eye rolls in the world for this post

@Sladuf , I’m often surprised by the fact that people leave their things in un-padlocked lockers. The other day there were at least 3 such, close to the cubicle I used.

the woman is deranged

and she played the race card

and as someone who is brown, if you don't like the term 'race card' then get onto oprah, harry, meghan, and all the snivelly little virtue signallers that helped make it an actual thing.

Honestly I would have reaction the same way as you. You were defending the children. The woman was nasty.

I think you handled it well a lot better than I would have, obviously she's not well mentally.

What the hell?!

I don't blame you at all op, I did the same thing when a woman shouted at me over a parking space in front of DS. I'm hoping it's a lesson learned and next time I'll be more in control. I also explained to ds that I lost my temper because she was being unfair, but I shouldn't have.

Our pool is unisex cubicals, not fancy at all, very basic. There are signs up everywhere telling people not to leave things in them and to use the lockers. Just think of it as an unfortunate run in with a nutter, it was all on her not you.

This is mad. Sorry to keep on about the cubicles, but I can't tell if this is a wind up
I work across a few council leisure centres leisure centres. All those with pools have basically ONLY cubicles. There are a few benches, really just for putting your shoes on, not enough space to get changed.
The dry centres have male/female open changing rooms But with shower and toilet cubicles which people can do use to change. (And if there's a door... you can bang on it. )
I think PP must have last been in my hometown leisure centre in the early '90s where they had open changing and a few cubicles with curtains instead of doors. ( That got changed pretty quickly because they were horrible!)

Sounds like she was being racist, you did very well to restrain yourself, I would have lost my temper

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I know! It’s asking for trouble. Quite a few times I’ve opened an unlocked locker door and found it’s full to the brim. The mobile phones are always really obvious too.

You did nothing wrong and in fact I think you did well and were really calm considering the circumstances.

That woman sounds deranged...

😂😂 Honestly I’m reading all the replies and know full well if it was me in that situation I wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up throwing some WWE moves 😑

She sounds like a nut job and I wouldn’t give it anymore thought. You handled it much better than a hot head like me would have.

Amazed and disappointed to come on here this morning and see quite a large number of posters defending their right to use the term "the race card" because they believe it is such a widespread phenomenon for people to pretend to have been victims of racial abuse, that they require a derogatory and belittling short-hand term to refer to that phenomenon.....

It's tempting just to feel furious about this, but perhaps more useful to try to get to the root of it.

Do those posters also believe there is such a thing as "the woman card", "the disabled card", "the gay card"? Do you believe there is a widespread phenomenon whereby all potentially discriminated against groups fabricate cases of discrimination against them?

Or does this only happen with race, in your opinion? I'd be grateful if those of you defending the use of "the race card" could answer this, so that I can understand your viewpoint better.

(I am a bit taken aback, I will admit that. I remember hearing the phrase "the race card" sometimes several years ago, but it's a long time since I have heard it in real life, and I don't think I know anyone who would think it was fine to use it. However, it seems support for its use is widespread on here. I have heard suggestions before that there is a fair amount of racism on this board, and I have read a few dodgy threads in that regard admittedly, but never before heard so much open defence of a phrase I thought it was widely acknowledged was a derogatory and offensive term. )

?!

I dare say they just CBA with them. I do find my padlock fiddly, and have to remember to take my glasses with me to leave on my towel at the poolside, or I’d never be able to see the numbers!

Are you sure you’ve been to one?
The only time I’ve seen communal changing and no cubicles is in posher spa like places.

Every leisure centre or swimming pool, splash centre etc all have cubicles for changing in. Family ones, single ones etc
Its the norm.

What an absolute nutter - how dare she stand there and demand that u open the door when there's you getting changed & two young children getting changed also?? She was getting physical also as she was banging on the door. She sounds deluded, you did nothing wrong at all. SOME people's manners have gone completely out the window - you set a good example for yourself & children by not retaliating to her aggression. She was out of order.

The woman sounds mentally unstable. You did nothing wrong and she did nothing right. You protected the children and if that meant shouting then so be it (imagine the roar of a lioness if her cubs were vulnerable, it would not be a miaow).

the sexist card and homophobic card definitely exist

not sure about the disabled one

the reason the 'race card' is brought up more often is because it's used frequently by virtue signallers with white guilt.

you refer to her as aggressive - this is something which commonly comes up for women of non-white backgrounds. They are more likely to to be described as aggressive. Would you have described her as upset if she was white?

Banging on a door and shouting into somebody's private space whilst blocking them from shutting the door IS aggressive behaviour, whether they are black, white, pink or purple with yellow spots. I can't imagine anybody describing a white person as being "upset" in this scenario, unless trying to antagonise them "oh you appear a little upset...".

You didn't handle it badly.

You showed the girls that when someone is trying to barge into a cubicle when they are undressed you firmly decline and stand up for yourself in whatever way is needed.