To feel sad how my life turned out?

[abonymousAnon]

I have 2 young kids in primary school. Moved to London around 12 years ago. I’ve always been quiet and reserved but had some good friends who I’ve lost contact with. The thing is when I moved to London I never really felt like I made any friends. Pre-kids My work colleagues were not very friendly and I didn’t have time for hobbies as work took up so much time. Work people would go out for dinner and drinks and not invite me for example.

I feel the school mums not very friendly either and the nice ones seem to have a very busy life with family living nearby and friends since childhood to keep them busy. I just feel so lonely. I’ve really tried but truthfully I have limited energy and it takes a lot for me to be sociable. I’m glad to have my space sometimes but most times I feel so alone. How would you go about changing your life if you were me?

Do you have a partner?
There are apps to meet people like peanut

@Abigaillovesholidays thank you. I did look at that but I felt embarrassed as you had to put a picture of yourself up. I know I’m being irrational but that kind of makes me uncomfortable. I don’t use social media at all due to my job so maybe it’s just that I’m not used to posting a picture and details of myself.

Yes I do have a partner but he’s constantly working. He has no time for hobbies either.

Do you have any hobbies OP? Some of the best friends I’ve made as an adult have been through hobby groups like I go to a local running group and now have lots of friends there. Meeting people that way gives you some common ground right from the off, and something to talk about!

Do you genuinely want friends? You also say it takes a lot to be sociable. I agree and on balance I would rather not have the pressure of having to meet up regularly with other mums. I find it a huge chore to maintain the friendships I do have and do it for the DC rather than me.

The fact you find fault with other groups might actually be because you aren't a hugely social person. That's ok! So are you actually lonely or just bored? Do you need people to do something with but not WITH like going to an exercise class or a craft thing where you see people but don't have to maintain friendships outside?

@Mrsttcno1 i don’t have time as my kids hobbies and clubs take up the entire weekend plus it’s only time we spend with husband as he’s away during the week. He gets home very late when we’re all
asleep. Maybe I could find something but I’m at a loss as it’s not much on during weekends. I’ve seen an art club but it’s during the week.

That’s a good point. Truthfully I do lack energy. It would be nice to have people to make plans with but I also tend to feel suffocated if they want to meet every week so have backed away from such people without realising it.

My kids are not yet in primary but I feel like I'm heading the same way as you. I did the Peanut app thing and met a few people who were nice enough but after one or two coffees chat just sort of petered out and no lasting friendships were made.

I've not tried the hobby thing (no time atm with a baby and toddler) but I struggle to see how this leads to lasting friendships, ok you might both enjoy knitting or something but how do you build a friendship based on that? I dunno if it's just me but I seem to be good at making initial acquaintances but awful at making deeper friendships.

So no advice but solidarity from me and hope it gets better x

I used to feel like this. I have recently starting building up a bit more of a social community, i personally think the easiest way to do this is through a hobby - I struggle a lot with making friends with people just because we have kids of a similar age! I will say these connections aren't close friends at the moment but I enjoy them.

We regularly go to a tennis club (my 8 year old is really into it) and they have lots of social events on - ive started to make friends here, was awkward at first but just had to get over myself and be friendly! I've also recently trained as a yoga teacher (side hustle to my main job), i met some lovely folk through that and I now teach yoga a couple of times a week and love the feeling of connecting with others, both other teachers and students. My husband also climbs regularly and has built up a social group through that.

Essentially I think if you find something you like to do and consistently turn up at the same place/time and are open to it you will meet people (and if you don't currently have a hobby you could take up something new or perhaps find a volunteering opportunity). Obviously it might not happen overnight but with a bit of patience you will find your people x

hello 😀I’m sorry you feel this way, I understand. I’ve had times in my life where I’ve felt a bit similar. It’s very hard to make friends when you have small children and a demanding job. Do you host play dates? Could you get to know some other mums that way? Do you go to a gym or running club? Some fitness classes in my area allow you to bring kids, they can go on tablet, or even join in with some of the moves (I mean the kind of church hall type classes, rather than gym ones) do you have any older friends maybe from school who you could make an effort to see; just to boost your feeling of connection? I find it’s an effort to make and maintain friendships, they dont ‘just happen’ although some people make it appear that way. I’ve never been cliquey so I don’t do the school mum thing either. But, if I plan out things like dinner dates/walks on rotation with old friends and new I do get enough connection. To be honest, if I didn’t make this effort I’d feel the same as you are feeling right now, and certainly have in the past. I think it’s important to consider that it will not always be this way, this loneliness I think is circumstantial and I do think you have the power to change it, slowly and steadily. Are you in a position to get a dog?! No joke, walking a dog is tremendous for getting to chat to people locally. I hope anything in this helps ❤️

The best thing to do is only one hobby!

something you like and at the same time weekly. You’ll make lots of acquaintances who can become friends

If your kids hobbies and clubs take up your ENTIRE weekend, then can i suggest that you take back some "me" time?

Thank you all. Where do you find hobbies? I’m not on social media! Where can I go to find them?

The fact you don't want to share a photo or details about yourself is limiting. True friendships are built on sharing/showing vulnerability and then receiving empathetic responses back, shared vulnerability etc. If you're holding back already, that's not the right mindset for making friends.

In the absence of social media it depends what kind of hobby you would be interested in, but, for example a local gym will have a list of all the clubs they do, a local music shop will have info about music groups. There might be a notice board in a community centre or theatre, arts centre. Lots of places like pubs and cafes have weekly groups like knit and natter. If you're a geek there will be board game groups, DnD etc. Maybe the library will have a noticeboard? Our big Sainsbury's has a board as well.

Good luck finding your kindred spirits!

What sort of hobby would you like to try? If there is something specific it's worth typing into Google and seeing local results. If you are unsure maybe check local community papers if you have one or notice boards or Google clubs near you and see what comes up

OP- what kind of things do YOU like to do? Maybe that could help us give you some suggestions. In this day and age, there's lots of things you can do if you are limited on time due to family commitments. Ie- my friend has joined a wine , sorry I mean Book club😆. Her husband often works away(no chikdvare),so she will 'meet' via zoom etc. Good luck, it's hard when you feel lonely, but on the flip side maybe you haven't found the people that are worthy of your friendship yet.

Your kids are not the only ones who deserve hobbies.
My local council's adult learning service does craft courses. The local gym will have classes (usually run by Better here in London). Local parks usually have a volunteer gardening/nature group. I've made friends through gardening, learning a language, ceramics classes, choir, and doing sports.

If you give a rough idea of where you are in London and what you like, people can recommend things.

Edited to add that these groups are easy to find through normal googling, council website/email newsletter, and community notice boards.

But who would invest time in becoming friends with someone who has no time for them? It takes time and a lot of effort to make and sustain longstanding meaningful friendships. Your sole focus seems to be kids and husband, and that doesn't usually make a very interesting person to get to know.

In my opinion, you are completely unbalanced and you live to please the other three people in your family and not yourself. Plenty of parents carve out time for themselves and still have close relationship with kids and partner, it's doable but it doesn't sound like you are that way inclined.

Definitely hobbies. What do you like doing? I find running is a good way to meet people, park runs are good for taking the kids along to as well.

Peanut 100%!

Just make sure you’re really fussy with who you match with/talk to! I went over everyone’s details with a fine toothed comb to make sure I felt we’d have enough in common as I didn’t want awkwardness! 🤣 I moved away from my original friends and met three women through it and they’ve all become great friends with our same age kids!

Have you checked out if there's anything going on at your local library? Mine has all sorts of classes and clubs going on thoughout the week, Saturdays and evenings included.

You could volunteer to do something - just make sure you pick something that is teamwork or there are other volunteers around - tell them you don't want to be stuck doing something on your own.

Join a book club, choir, gardening club, crafting or history group.

Honestly, there will be loads of things going on in your neighbourhood. Check out council notice boards or their website. Go once, you never have to go again if you don't like it.

'I just feel so lonely. I’ve really tried but truthfully I have limited energy and it takes a lot for me to be sociable."

I am not surprised you feel lonely and tired if you are managing 2 DCs alone all week (and working?) whilst your DH is away.

That doesnt sound sustainable logistically or emotionally,

I used to crave more socialising but I've come to realise I was just not good at entertaining myself. Now I do crafting twice a week in the evenings. Another night I do an online book club. I see friends maybe once a month or even two and that's enough for me.

ok you might both enjoy knitting or something but how do you build a friendship based on that?

It's not based on the knitting...it's just that the knitting is what is bringing you together. It's giving you the opportunity to build up comfort and closeness to someone while doing something that you like. So they get to see the best of you because you are enjoying yourself. At first you may just have small talk, but after a while it will gradually get deeper, and before you know it, you share your lives with eachother. I don't mean physically, I mean talking about everything that's going on for you.

‘Turned out’ sounds so final though. It’s just a season of friendlessness, it’s most likely not forever.