To feel sad how my life turned out?

[abonymousAnon]

I have 2 young kids in primary school. Moved to London around 12 years ago. I’ve always been quiet and reserved but had some good friends who I’ve lost contact with. The thing is when I moved to London I never really felt like I made any friends. Pre-kids My work colleagues were not very friendly and I didn’t have time for hobbies as work took up so much time. Work people would go out for dinner and drinks and not invite me for example.

I feel the school mums not very friendly either and the nice ones seem to have a very busy life with family living nearby and friends since childhood to keep them busy. I just feel so lonely. I’ve really tried but truthfully I have limited energy and it takes a lot for me to be sociable. I’m glad to have my space sometimes but most times I feel so alone. How would you go about changing your life if you were me?

Scrap the weekend clubs for the kids. Spend one day together as a family and the other weekend day you and your partner tag team to have half a day each for hobbies and socialising.

If you genuinely have no interests or hobbies then you’ll have to try a few new things until you find your crowd.

Our local library has information. A book group can be good..some are, some are not. A writing or drawing group.. depends on your interests.

Try the “meet up” app to try a few things.

Where were you before London?

Are both you are your DH happy in London?

Maybe look at the WI. There are lots of different ones, at different times, easy to go to the monthly meetings, then each has their own groups, book clubs, knitting, craft, art, gardening to name but a few. Definitely do your research to find the right group.

It's how your life is now, not how it's turned out. You won't be at home with kids forever.

I have made good friends through a running club. I initially joined just for the health benefits not to make friends specifically but seeing the same people every week means you do eventually get to know them well without needing to make an huge effort.
And echo the other posters that you need some time for yourself - even if it is just a couple of hours a week.

Get a Facebook/instagram account though ...you don't have to use your full name etc. It's really useful for finding out about local groups/activities/events. Yes it's hard making friends at this age but it can happen. School mum friends don't always last though so don't worry about them so much. Is there anything you would like to study even online ? It might be a good way to find your people. It will happen

I agree.

Meeting on a regular basis + similar interests + compatible personalities = friends. That was my experience at least!

Have you thought about getting a job one or 2 nights per week or one day at the weekend

Maybe somewhere like a pub or club or doing some hospitality work.
Somewhere where you are forced to face the public and smile and practice a bit of chit chat with people you are probably never going to see again

It gives you a little extra money and you get to meet different people and your confidence will grow

Yes, this is what stands out to me. It’s all very well saying other people aren’t friendly, but everything you say suggests you’re not prepared to put yourself out there, and you’re not that available even to those you do meet. And, gently, what do you bring to a friendship? You say you’re quiet and reserved, which in itself isn’t an issue once people know and value you, but makes you harder to get to know, but you present on here as someone who does nothing but work and devote yourself to your family — you can’t even think what hobby you might like to pursue. What’s in a friendship for the other person? What did your old friends like you for? What stopped you keeping in touch with them?

She isn’t at home with kids, though, she’s working FT.

Turning the question back on you, what do you enjoy, are you sporty, creative, musical, into books????
I have made some very good friends through hobbies but even if you don’t find a bf it gives you a community, so I might not see people between classes but that is ok, we have something in common so no stilted conversation and there is a bit of chat in between meetings. And you are there as you not xxxxx’s mum. Also good for meeting people of different ages so a broader ‘village’. Might be worth seeing if you could prioritise getting a babysitter one night a week. Doing something you enjoy will also be good for you. Don’t know if there are still evening classes in London?

I love to volunteer with a group that cleans the area. It’s nice and meet new people etc

May I ask about your online book club? I’m interested in joining one myself.

I put a post on Facebook and just said I want to start a book club on every other Tuesdays at 8pm. Let me know if you want to join. It's not a normal book club because we all read different books...it's more like body doubling. So we all go on teams, say hi and then tell eachother what we will read. Then we read for 1 hour then we come back on and chat about what we have just read. It works very well.

I have also seen people put posts on for local face to face, book clubs on Facebook. So it might be worth joining a few local Facebook groups and just see what they have. There might be one you can join rather than make your own.

Recently, I (31) had 16 of my closest friends come out to my birthday dinner and then two clubs. At 21 I had no friends whatsoever. To make friends all you need is time spent with them and to keep being friendly. 3 of the people that turned up were girlfriends of colleagues that I kept meeting at work events.

Short sharp bursts when you’re feeling good will be enough. I promise you everyone feels busy, even if their calendar is objectively less full than yours. Needy friends are not for me and quite a few adults feel the same way, so you should be good.

I agree with this. So much easier to make friends through a common interest than at the school gate.

Bumble BFF

I’ve made loads of friends through my kids playing cricket. The culture is very social and most parents stay on after practice for a drink or two. I’m not even a drinker but it’s still a lovely relaxed atmosphere and you can chat while the kids play.

Hi op,

arf. Mums life is a lonely life especially these first years!
there is nothing better to attract friendship that if you don’t need it so yes to find something and not someone :)
what do you do when your kids are in bed? Or to be more realistic, what do you dream of doing but can’t? That might help us give advice?

With two primary-aged children and a husband, your available time (to get engaged with something which is just for you) is limited.

Look for a class or activity happening in your area (exercise; art; furniture restoration; learning a language; whatevs), which takes your fancy, available between drop-off & pick-up times, and join that.
You only need one thing to latch onto - for itself and (less likely) for the friendship attachments which may transpire.
Good luck.

I've been through this and it ended when first of all I joined a group and second of all I committed to it and made time for it. Because my DH had got used to me always being home or available whenever he wanted and he never had to look after the kids on his own so I could go out, it was hard for him to get his head around at first and we had several arguments about it but I stood my ground and kept going. It has worked out for me and now I have my 'gang' of girls. What I'm saying is it is an effort and it might even upset your family at first, but to me it's worth it to have something else outside - if that's what you actually want.

Join a gym or dance class and go to the same classes every week. You will end up perhaps going for coffee afterwards and im sure in time you will meet friends.

Local noticeboard.

A local online forum of some sort.

There's NextDoor which is more if a chat group rather than social media. You can ask about things on there.

Or just set up a Facebook account with no photo or info and use it just to follow your local group. I rarely use social media other than for local stuff. My account is set to private.