AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

This was EXACTLY what I was thinking of! 🤣🤣🤣

the reverse also explains the ‘gracious’ comment which I thought was bizarre! Far from being genuine, that totally feels like sarcasm.

OP, the problem is that you sound just as bad as you have made the wife sound. You and the wife seem to be vying for top place with your son. You need to back off. Please try to find other interests and let your son live his life!!

Good grief

I’m just catching up in this. What is a reverse? What’s the point?

Ahh, a reverse.

@checkeredboards regardless of the tact, or not, of her response, I think you've played this very badly.

It was the announcing the present, that excludes her, in their home at his birthday do, without her or his prior knowledge. That was shitty.

That was calculated to exclude her and therefore guaranteed to make her feel like crap.

IF you have an issue with being unable to do things without her, well, she comes with him as a package deal when you want to do 'whole family' things now. If you want to do 'son and Mum things' or 'Dad and Son things'.. thats a different matter of course.

Even doing things just as the four of you, is still possible, but approaching it this way was poor.

Tbh approaching the thread this way was also poor as the way you have painted his wife means despite knowing this is a reverse, many people are still going to judge her on your behaviour when you were pretending to be her.

In theory, so you can get peoples opinions without bias towards you as the OP.

In practice, so you can stack the odds in the favour of the response you want - ie here, the OP has painted the DIL as very needy, with a choice of words that seems at best awkward and at worst, rather snotty ('graciously invited...' endlessly stating that she's the wife) in order for the resounding response to be that the DIL is unreasonable.

Also OP, maybe it ISN'T your DIL driving this 'Mum I'd like to include my wife'.. response from him. Has that crossed your mind that your son actually might well want to include his wife because she is his fucking wife, and it will feel very odd to go out with his whole family but not her?

Perhaps what he is avoiding saying is not 'yes I really wish my wife would just fuck off sometimes' but actually 'Mum, you're overbearing and its really bloody offensive at times'?

Sons often don't want to be that blunt with their Mums.

You are so deluded. I'm not sure why you are here asking for others opinions if you think we are all wrong.
Woman that gave birth and raised him is more important in his life than you dear.
You got married, bit quite easily can get divorced and then you will be a nobody to him.
There is nothing "gracious" about you.

How utterly pathetic. You need to grow up. You're genuinely the older party in this situation and you write crap like this about your own daughter in law?

So she's needy, you're ultra possessive of your grown adult son and you both like to play stupid games? I feel sorry for your son here and hope he can get away from you.

Honestly @checkeredboards even with the loveliest son or daughter in law, I think it's really normal to miss that time when it was just you own, smaller family. I think it's really lovely when adult parents and adult kids get to hang out. They aren't excluding you from Christmas dinner, try to put this in perspective. Maybe one day you will have adult kids who love to hang out with you too! I hope your DIL would understand a one off event that was just the original family.

You and her have different fundamental ideas when it comes to marriage. For instance I very much believe that married into dh's family dh feels the same with my side of the family. I have an independent relationship with her and as I'm more proactive than her son is she gets a lot of updates re kids from me. She believes the same so took a lot of time and effort to get to know me as a person when I married her son. She would never exclude me in this way and I would be hurt if she did especially if it was a band i loved. She does have an evening a week or fortnight with her boys and neither sil or I attend but the invite to us is always open and sometimes one or more of her grandkids are present. If I had an issue with mil I can approach her directly, this is as a result of the relationship we have take time, effort and love to cultivate. I would never just go through dh (as is the advice on mumsnet) and to me just seems so very alien. To me it just creates a distance when there doesn't need to be but it is about respecting boundaries and and long as both sides are happy then fair enough.

If your son wanted to invite you to his birthday celebrations he could have. He could pick up the phone. You've been told before the issues are with your son but yet again it's the dil that is the problem. Why is it so hard for you to understand that he might actually want to spend time with his whole family, wife included?

I think the other posters have been a bit harsh in their comments. Yes you have a reason to feel left out. I would too. Perhaps the MIL didn't do it maliciously and simply didn't think. Although you're upset, I would leave it now as you've probably made your point. Organise a girls night out on the same date as the concert and have fun.

Or maybe they chuck loads of people into the mix and call it a party? Who knows?
OP, I do hope this is a wind up, I really do.

Just seen it’s a reverse. OP, get a hobby.

This is actually hilarious. Maybe OP was joining on on the drinking game and took too many shots 🤣

You’re awful!

Thank you! I couldn’t understand what was going on 😬 I’m a bit naive at times with Mumsnet.

Did your husband continue to socialise with his family of origin without you being present? Did they go to concerts, have meals out, organise gifts that excluded you?

It's a reverse. The OP is actually the MIL not the DIL.

This is bonkers.

it was my son's birthday not my DIL's birthday.

Shame you made it all about you then and what you wanted.

If anyone needs help here, it's you.

So @checkeredboards what about your other thread? Is that you too or is that actually your DIL?