AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

I still spend time with my mum, dad and brother without my partner. It’s very normal. And nice to have this time together still. I love it when my partner joins us for family dinners and days out and things, but he doesn’t have to all the time.

Wise words indeed.

Why isn't he allowed to spend time with his parents and his sister at the same time without you?

Yabu

Your behaviour was atrocious. It was a celebration for your husband, and you acted like a spoiled child. Even if you are disappointed, you handled it badly. Even a joke about not having a ticket would have been better.

What wrong with the four of them having a night out just them. This one time? I do things with my adult DD without her partner sometimes, sometimes with both of them. It doesn’t mean he’s not part of the family. You must be very hard work.

Your definition of marriage and mine is completely different. I’d even go so far as to suggest that the institution of marriage means very little to you.

No, they aren't wise words. They're validating OP's over dramatic and petulant reaction.

Jesus, are you not getting the fact that even though you are married… although are you? I’m not sure? Did you mention that? 🙄
Your husband has the right to go out with other people without you.
Your husband has the right to go out with his nuclear family without you.
Can you not be happy that he can spend ONE evening with his mom, dad and sister? Without spoiling it by whining about how you are NFI?
It’s a thing they all enjoyed together, have history of it together. Did you even know him when this band was around? Do you have memories with him and the family of listening to this band together? I’ll bet my mortgage that you didn’t. In which case, why are you bellyaching so much ?
Honestly, grow up, you sound like a bloody nightmare with your non discreet ‘muttering’

I understand why you're upset, it's not nice to be left out when normally you're so involved with the family but you really should have sucked it up in that moment, it's your husbands birthday and you made it about yourself which isn't fair, even if you are unhappy about something.

You could have raised the same issues with your husband after his birthday or with your MIL separately. With there being no other issues and them normally being kind, it's more likely lack of thought which isn't nice but isn't with malice either.

YANBU, I can’t believe that his mother could have done this to you at an occasion when you were hosting her. She owes you a big apology and it will take her time to win back your trust. I’m pleased your DH has seen your side of it and hoe he refuses to go with them because of their rudeness.

Don’t bother marrying if you think that you’re only two individuals sharing a household. What’s the point? The correct protocol would be for the MIL to have spoken with her DIL beforehand to make sure dates are suitable and bought tickets for all of them.

Why couldn't she speak to her own son? Why did she need to speak to his wife?

You know little about me. Marriage means very much to me. I have been happily married for many years and the reason why is because my DH and I have an amazing relationship together but we also are allowed to do things separately and don't expect to be in each others pockets and invited to everything that the other is invited to. FYI I also have a fabulous relationship with my in laws and my own family.

So if your definition of marriage is that you have to do everything together then knock yourselves out. Mine is not and its very successful.

Yeah, a wife to think think she’s part of her husband’s family. How dreadful. What on earth was she thinking!

I don't know why your DH is placing the blame just on his stepfather. Surely if he is coming your MIL has somewhat a part in that too. Isn't that up to her to say something?

Of course they can do things without you! You were really rude and spoilt something nice. You need to apologize. You behaved shockingly.

My husband and I do things separately but our families would never be so rude as to exclude either myself or my husband. We are a married couple. If we choose to do something separately, that’s an entirely different situation. You do understand the difference yah? And nothing negates the NIL’s thoughtless and rude behaviour.

Atrocious? Nah, the MIL’s behaviour was atrocious.

She is part of the husbands family. It doesn't mean she gets to go to everything he gets invited to! Family or not! They are two separate people. You and your DH must be joined at the hip!!

No vows I said included giving up my independence and not having a life outside of my husband.

Was it the ‘correct protocol’ for OP to stomp her feet and ruin her husband’s birthday?

well we are married. And our families have good manners ;-)

Maybe the MIL doesn’t want him to come and he doesn’t always get invited, but then he throws his toys out the pram and causes a scene the way you did over the gig tickets, so now he gets invited everywhere as they’ve been made to feel like they have to, kind of like what you’re doing to your husband and his family.

Vows that say two become one.

Did you recently start a thread about being jealous of your husband telling his parents any kind of news, before telling you?

Even though he'd only tell them something an hour before telling you, you were moaning because you're his WIFE and as his WIFE you should know first because his parents are not his WIFE but you are his WIFE.

And WIFE WIFE WIFE WIFE WIFE WIFE WIFE etc?

But your theory doesn't add up bc if they felt like I was "muscling" in which would be an add way to put it when it's simply just someone's spouse coming along to a family event which kept quite natural they wouldn't have been as kind and loving to me.

Also why would my own husband not want me with him that night.