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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

632 replies

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:23

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

OP posts:
MzHz · 27/10/2024 21:10

Viviennemary · 27/10/2024 21:05

You are an inlaw. Not really part of the family. No other partners were invited

<jaw drops>

really? REALLY? Wow.

KimFan · 27/10/2024 21:11

Very sulky behaviour on your part. It’s your husband’s birthday gift, not yours. They are allowed to go to this event without you.

Dollybantree · 27/10/2024 21:11

I’ve only read the first page and I’m shocked at the responses.

This is so bizarre to me - on no planet would my IL’s ever buy dh and his db tickets for the four of them to go somewhere and not invite myself and my SIL.

Utterly weird, passive aggressive and very very creepy IMO. My dh would find it utterly bizarre too.

sugarapplelane · 27/10/2024 21:11

Grow up Op. stop making what was a thoughtful gesture into something nasty.

Yes, your MIL perhaps should have run the dates past you incase she was about to waste her money on tickets for a date your Husband couldn’t make. But that is the only thing she did wrong.

You don’t need to be included in everything just because you are married.

My MIL is married to my DH’s Step Father and he comes along to everything with MIL, absolutely everything. My DH gets annoyed as sometimes he just wants time with his Mum. Step Father is like a bloody puppy following along. He feels left out apparently which goes back to his childhood.

Did anything bad happen in your childhood where you were left out which may subconsciously haunt you now?

IceCreamCookies · 27/10/2024 21:12

Yanbu very tactless to announce this in front of you when you invited them over.
She had the option of giving you a heads up or asking if you wanted to purchase a ticket beforehand if they were short on money.
You are entitled to your feelings, I do think it's a bit rude, but also they could have told him in private and it would probably be less upsetting.

Cosyblankets · 27/10/2024 21:12

I'm not sure if you mentioned.... are you married? Are you his wife? It's not clear.
He's allowed to do things without you.
You're not joined at the hip.
This would not have bothered me in the slightest.

MustBeGinOclock · 27/10/2024 21:12

You are not being unreasonable it's really rude and hurtful leaving you out.

notacooldad · 27/10/2024 21:13

My son's aren't married but both are in long-term relationships.
All four of them( 2x son 2x gf) all get invited to everything.
Of course they aren't going to like every gig or event and that is ok. The point is everyone is included.
In 10 years I have never excluded a gf from an event.

AncientAndModern1 · 27/10/2024 21:13

It’s rude to openly invite everyone present to an event except one person, regardless of family relationships. Especially if that person is keen to go and left awkwardly wondering if they are invited or not, and even more so if the person doing the inviting is a guest in your home. I can understand why you feel so gutted OP. However I don’t think it’s personal, more thoughtless.

Lulubellamozarella · 27/10/2024 21:13

MzHz · 27/10/2024 21:09

Can’t believe these replies, of COURSE the Mil should’ve told @checkeredboards about plans to at least see if he’s free, or to keep it free, plus then to ASK if she’d want to come too. If money an issue, it gives @checkeredboards the chance to pay for herself or decline.

i don’t blame her for being put out. She feels excluded because she IS being excluded.

Why does she need to check with the wife if he is free? She is not his secretary. And why does she have to ask if she can come to? If the object is to get the original family unit together to see a band they love, which is what this seems to be, then why does 'the wife' need to be invited? They can do things separately. She doesn't need to be invited to everything that he gets invited to. That's nonsense!!

Cantbelievethatimafoolagain · 27/10/2024 21:14

Maybe the parents just want their own immediate family. It's not about excluding you and it's not about them not liking you. They just want the four of them together. You're reading too much into this!

DoreenonTill8 · 27/10/2024 21:14

Just tell them to the tune of Swiftie...
🎵You are never ever ever
getting to go out just you together...
I'm his wifey, wifey don't you see..
So he can't ever, ever
Do anything that doesn't centre
Meee 🎵

Yalta · 27/10/2024 21:14

I can understand why you were upset. I think though I wouldn’t have said a thing but then noted that whilst I might feel close with MIL
I had obviously mis read the signs and contact with in laws would have been curtailed over the coming years

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2024 21:15

You're being oversensitive really, why can't they do something just the four of them? Don't be so possessive

thepariscrimefiles · 27/10/2024 21:16

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

I'm glad your DH stuck up for you. I'd be a bit wary of your MIL from now on. You said that she has always been nice to you but it doesn't seem as though she sees you as one of the family.

Original poster
checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 21:17

To those saying are they ever allowed to see their own son without them I already stated very clearly i might add that if it was just parents and him or mom and him or dad and him that's one thing but for me to be the one one left out changes the dynamic

OP posts:
StampOnTheGround · 27/10/2024 21:17

I wouldn't think anything of it, most concerts are limited to 4 tickets and it's nice for them to do something as a 4 occasionally.

The only mistake was maybe not checking the date in advance but if it a long way in the future then I wouldn't mind that either!

ConsistantlyForget33 · 27/10/2024 21:18

Webbing · 27/10/2024 19:46

It’s excluding you and she meant it to feel that way by giving the tickets at the party. Just take the hint now and keep her more at arms length in future. I don’t know if you have children but if you do try to put a bit of distance between her and them as she sounds very controlling.

What a toxic response.

MIL has always included her and this is the first thing OP isnt invited to just this ONE thing and your telling OP to put distance in between the MIL and grandkids if there are any? Nothing what the OP wrote sounds like the MIL is controlling.

So MIL hasnt invited her to ONE thing over the entire course of their relationship and you think being spiteful about grandkids would be the next best move?

Grow up

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 21:19

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 21:17

To those saying are they ever allowed to see their own son without them I already stated very clearly i might add that if it was just parents and him or mom and him or dad and him that's one thing but for me to be the one one left out changes the dynamic

Then they'd have to leave their own child, his sister out. Which is also not ideal. The way you handled it was inappropriate can you see that?

Cosyblankets · 27/10/2024 21:20

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 21:17

To those saying are they ever allowed to see their own son without them I already stated very clearly i might add that if it was just parents and him or mom and him or dad and him that's one thing but for me to be the one one left out changes the dynamic

Has it occurred to you that you being there changes the dynamic for them? Sister doesn't have a partner. It's an opportunity for them all to go out "just them"

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/10/2024 21:21

StampOnTheGround · 27/10/2024 21:17

I wouldn't think anything of it, most concerts are limited to 4 tickets and it's nice for them to do something as a 4 occasionally.

The only mistake was maybe not checking the date in advance but if it a long way in the future then I wouldn't mind that either!

If this is Oasis then tickets would have been limited. I think the OP is making a huge drama. I see that she graciously would allow her husband to go with one or both parents. Honestly, grow up OP.

UneFoisAuChalet · 27/10/2024 21:21

Bet you the family had discussed the possibility of going to see their favourite band together like the good old days. And they ‘surprised’ him for his birthday. That’s why your DH just stood around shrugging. Now he’s had to do a bit of back peddling to shake you off, but he’ll do it for the opportunity to spend time alone with his family.

I would suggest looking closer to home as to why this happened OP. Maybe they never get time with son/brother without you there and maybe they thought ‘there’s no way she can muscle in on this’.

As you say, you are his wife, so you should be secure in your relationship, that spending one night apart won’t be the end.

Pieandchips999 · 27/10/2024 21:22

I would be really hurt if this was me as I am really close to my in laws and have a very distant relationship with my own family because of my childhood. But however hurt I was I would never think to ruin a family birthday celebration for my spouse by having what essentially amounted to a tantrum. I would put my happiest face on and discuss it in a calm manner later. It way well be that its a concert where you can only get 4 tickets. That's really common

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2024 21:24

I think you are getting a hard time on here @checkeredboards

It's about being included, seen and treated like one of the family.
My family - we invite everyone, all family members and their partners.
DH's family - have excluded me on a few occasions including milestone birthday meals. It really pissed me off, but they are introverts and pretty shit at hosting any social event.

I would never exclude you in this scenario

Dery · 27/10/2024 21:24

This is where I land also:

“Why does she need to check with the wife if he is free? She is not his secretary. And why does she have to ask if she can come to? If the object is to get the original family unit together to see a band they love, which is what this seems to be, then why does 'the wife' need to be invited? They can do things separately. She doesn't need to be invited to everything that he gets invited to. That's nonsense!!”

My sister and dad also do some things with my DH and her DH and some things without them. I don’t think one spouse has to be involved in everything the other does. It may not even have been possible to get 5 tickets. It’s really not comparable with not being invited to a birthday meal since you can generally invite as many guests as you want to a meal.

It was a bit tactless to present the tickets in front of you, OP, but for me - it was your DH’s birthday and it was about your DH’s family of origin doing something together. You’ve made it about you and it just isn’t about you. I would be unimpressed if my DH or BIL behaved the way you have over this. I’d be unimpressed with myself if I had behaved this way. (And I do things wrong and am familiar with the feeling of being unimpressed with myself!). I’d be worried about my DSIS if she told me my BIL had to be part of everything we do together.

Why couldn’t you just be pleased that your DH had this treat lined up for him? So, yes, I think you’re being unreasonable.