AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

How much were the tickets?

I don't think it's horrific that they wanted to spend an evening with their son/brother

YANBU

They are married. They are a couple. Yes. She should be invited. That’s the polite and right thing to have done.

I'm happy that when I still had both parents and all my siblings alive, my OH never batted an eyelid about me doing things with them just me, and thank god he didn't, given my siblings were taken so suddenly and me, my mum and remaining sibling will never have that chance again.

He and his siblings do something just them with their parents a few times a year, with no spouses or partners. It's nice for parents to have time with their kids, no matter how old they are.

I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married."
It is hurtful, I'd be hurt too, but the way you acted wasn't ok. Feelings are automatic and its very understandable how you felt, but as an adult you can't excuse your actions and say you couldn't help yourself. You said you made sure you could be heard, sounds pretty purposeful.

Also why present this in front of me when I was gracious enough to invite them over to celebrate. MIL should have spoken to you beforehand, but they don't owe you because you invited them over. You didnt do some amazing thing. Inviting them over isnt gracious behaviour on your part, it's just inviting family to a celebration.

YABU. I really hope I get to enjoy events with just DH and our sons in future…without their spouses. You don’t need to be included in everything they do as a family.

Similarly they will do outings together as spouses with their own kids that me and DH won’t be invited to!!

This. They could have let you know ahead of time or presented it privately. DH was in a no win situation, querying why OP wasn't included would have been rude but being polite was disrespectful to his dw. It is hurtful.

Good grief OP. I’ve just read all your posts.
I don’t actually think you’re mature enough to be married. Your views are very much that of a child, and you sound like you consider yourself as owning him and his time just because he put a ring on it.
When two people get married, they don’t become Siamese twins. They are still two individual people, with two individual families and individual sets of friends. Did you have absolutely no identity prior to getting married? Did you only become a person after saying “I do”
They are your in laws. Not your family. They are HIS family, and his family wanted to do something together, probably for old times sake and nostalgia, by going to see a band they, collectively, as a family love. This doesn’t include you. You didn’t grow up with him and his sister.
Wait until you have kids. One day you might just understand when your kids are grown and married. 🙄

What?? How lovely that his family want to do something nice the 4 of them that they all enjoy, imo its perfectly normal for parents to want alone time with their adult children who they raised since birth.

It's Unhealthy to expect to be involved in every single thing and also to expect your husband to automatically side with you - you are each allowed your own opinions.

You behaved like a child, yabvu

They act very loving to me
Of course they do. What choice do they have? 🙄

Gloves might be off now though...

Is he "allowed" to do stuff without you with his friends and family? If not that's a major red flag

I just cannot imagine a scenario where either my PIL or parents would do this to either me or DH or exPILs for that matter with current DH.

I think this is so rude from them. Maybe if sister had a partner and they had left them out, but I still think this is scummy and I'd leave out the sis before you.

Can see both sides I can understand why they would enjoy a ‘family’ day partners no matter how well everyone gets on changes dynamics and maybe they just want to remember times they had when your husband and his sister were children.

However can fully appreciate why you feel hurt and left out, I would be annoyed but I wouldnt give my in laws satisfaction of knowing it had bothered me. Certainly wouldn’t be making husband feel bad just put him in the middle and achieves nothing. I would just rant to brother in laws wife and have girly day with her.

I actually do agree with you that it would have been better for MIL to give her a heads up - and I'm sure it must have felt horrid in the moment to be unsure if you were invited/if you weren't why you weren't, particularly when you were hosting ILs at a birthday gathering. I think most people can empathise with that.

But OP has lost sympathy (i) by totally failing to understand why ILs might want to do something with just their son and daughter and (ii) for reacting so childishly and ruining the present and the birthday gathering.

Also, I don't agree Mumsnet always sides against the OP. I think people don't like OPs who post for views but actually just want validation.

You are an inlaw. Not really part of the family. No other partners were invited

My PILs would never have left me out like this. And my parents would never leave my DH out like this either.

I got that they were married the first 100 times OP pointed it out, thanks.

So what? Married people are still individuals and don’t need to be stuck together 24/7.

I think your getting a hard time here op.
I totally understand you feeling excluded and I too would have felt the same.
I think the way you handled it was the issue. I hope it sorts itself out

YABU, this wouldn’t even bother me, MIL wants to go to a concert with her children, yes you’re married but they are HER children!

I think it’s nice for them just to do things together, I encourage my husband to do things with just his siblings and mum without all the partners and children being involved.

Can’t believe these replies, of COURSE the Mil should’ve told @checkeredboards about plans to at least see if he’s free, or to keep it free, plus then to ASK if she’d want to come too. If money an issue, it gives @checkeredboards the chance to pay for herself or decline.

i don’t blame her for being put out. She feels excluded because she IS being excluded.

Oh I love a good 'AIBU' 'Yes' 'No I'm not' thread.

Why bother starting this thread OP if you weren't going to listen? Lots of people have told you you're being unreasonable and it's fine for your husband to spend some time with his family of origin without you.

It was rude of PIL to announce the tickets at the birthday celebration but it was not rude to not invite you. They wanted to do something for just the four original family members and that's ok.

However the way you have reacted is atrocious, tbh I would be so embarrassed.

He has a mum and of course you come first stop saying you don't. But you cannot have it all your own way all of the time.

Out of interest how old are you? Because honestly you are either incredibly young or your own parents have made you extremely entitled.