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Original poster

To keep lying about Father Christmas?

62 replies

Wimblmum · 27/10/2024 08:34

Advice please ladies - DS 8 bas over the last couple of months been coming to me, eyes wet, saying 'is father christmas real?!' When I give teeny bits of truth like 'it not real that he can hear your secret wishes' (a problem we had last year was he 'secretly asked FC to bring mummy something'!) he burst into full-on floods of tears and wails 'so he's not reeeeeal?!' and the only way I've been able to console him is to then reinforce other bits of the fantasy, e.g. that we have to send FC letters to say what we're wishing for...

Last night he again full of tears said 'so it's not you delivering the presents???' I tried to distract with 'don't we all enjoy the idea of magic' but he was insistent and said 'do you deliver the presents???' and, justified by the fact that I don't - mainly it's amazon - I said no I don't deliver them. Again he looked so relieved.

I never had this with his big sister - she stopped believing in a nice, gentle, mainly unspoken, way - and she now helps maintain the magic, with moving the elves etc. But DS is genuinely so upset about it all - I think he loves the ideas so much and believed so completely, he genuinely doesn't want to be told we've all just been telling him a big fat lie.

Any experience of this and/ or advice on how to help him through without him feeling so dissonant and lied to? Genuinely struggling to work out what's best - I (stupidly) never expected him to get so emotionally attached to the whole thing!

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 27/10/2024 08:41

DS 1 would have been like this at that age. He was very sensitive and naive. I was dreading having to have the conversation. On the couple of occasions he asked if he was real I just did the whole faux shocked ‘how dare you question the magic of Father Christmas?!’ Then at 11, before high school luckily, he just seemed to click and asked me in a very ‘I know and it’s funny really’ kind of way. Phew! He is now father Christmas with us for the younger one. Who is 7 and I think has clicked, but we are going to try and keep it going as long as we can. Once it’s gone, Christmas is never the same!

mnahmnah · 27/10/2024 08:42

And he wasn’t bothered that we lied all those years. He definitely saw it as us keeping the magic of Christmas for him.

rosydreams · 27/10/2024 08:42

i asked my daughter what she wanted i said if you believe then father christmas will come but its up to you.When she started to understand i told her father christmas is a game were we pretend to be father christmas to make people happy.Father christmas is not so much a person but a idea of making things magical.Its only real if you want it to be but now your old enough you join in on the game to make it magical for your little sister

LaineyCee · 27/10/2024 08:48

Why not just tell him the truth? Surely it would be better to “rip the plaster off” rather than repeatedly disappoint and upset him over small aspects? There are plenty of ways to make Christmas magical (it’s about loving and caring for others) without lying to your kids. Find the idea that this fantasy is a positive pretty patronising.

Skyrainlight · 27/10/2024 12:36

I would stop lying.

Original poster
Wimblmum · 27/10/2024 22:30

Thank you for understanding @mnahmnah, and that's really lovely outcome you've has - very reassuring for me! And thank you @rosydreams - that sort of narrative might come into play at some point too. DD has certainly loved keeping the magic alive for DS the last couple of years. DS doesn't actually have another younger sibling to pass the tradition down to, but I think the same can still be applied to younger cousins/ kids at school etc.

OP posts:
Msrachel · 27/10/2024 22:36

Aw, 8 is still so young, and he seems to want to believe! I would encourage that for now, but maybe with a twist, like Father Christmas is the spirit of Christmas, and no matter who brings the presents his spirit is the one who drives it. Maybe sometimes we and Amazon help him out as he has so many kids to cover and we are able to help out so sometimes we get you some too.

I realised really young as my mum kept leaving stickers on presents, I was only 4, I wish I’d had a few more years. If he wants to believe, I’d let him! You’ve only got a year or two left.

OliviaFlaversham · 27/10/2024 22:47

It sounds like he is getting confused by your responses and reactions. Time to tell him as otherwise you’re dragging out something he is clearly quite bothered by.

We have never said if FC is real or not and we all love Christmas. Once he sees it is still all wonderful without the stress and uncertainty of if the pretend figure is real, he will likely settle.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 27/10/2024 22:49

I think when they come and look you in the eye and ask a question then maybe it's time to confess the truth. Even if it's upsetting. My friends kid was reassured a few times around 8 or 9 and (unbelievably) continued to believe until about 13 when someone let is slip out. He was made such a fool of and was very angry that his parents had lied outright. It wasn't the pretence of his youth he was upset about it was the lying at around 9, and letting him go on too. He felt the world was laughing at him behind his back, and I'm sure he's not wrong.

BarbaraHoward · 27/10/2024 22:52

8 is very young. It sounds like he's questioning but wants to still believe? I think keep going as you are this year but that this year will probably be the last year he believes. I think @mnahmnah has the right approach.

BonnedPaster · 27/10/2024 22:53

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Msrachel · 27/10/2024 22:55

Dontlletmedownbruce · 27/10/2024 22:49

I think when they come and look you in the eye and ask a question then maybe it's time to confess the truth. Even if it's upsetting. My friends kid was reassured a few times around 8 or 9 and (unbelievably) continued to believe until about 13 when someone let is slip out. He was made such a fool of and was very angry that his parents had lied outright. It wasn't the pretence of his youth he was upset about it was the lying at around 9, and letting him go on too. He felt the world was laughing at him behind his back, and I'm sure he's not wrong.

Yes 13 is very late, I think if they haven’t realised themselves they should be gently told before leaving primary school, poor souls.

before that, let them believe in my opinion, it’s so magical as a child.

Reserved101 · 27/10/2024 22:55

I think you need to be honest at this point. This has ceased to be a fun for them.

staceyflack · 27/10/2024 22:56

My kids are 17 & 19 ... and I still enjoy jokingly refering to Father Christmas... and acting like i dont know what people are talking about when its suggested hes not real. They just go "shut up mum", and we all know i'm being being a twat. I personally think keeping the magic of childhood going as long as you can is being a nuturing parent. Life's fucking hard / disappointing enough as an adult.... without bringing that clarity before necessary. 🌲

Mandylovescandy · 27/10/2024 23:03

BarbaraHoward · 27/10/2024 22:52

8 is very young. It sounds like he's questioning but wants to still believe? I think keep going as you are this year but that this year will probably be the last year he believes. I think @mnahmnah has the right approach.

Agreed, mine has asked indirectly a few times and I haven't lied but I have definitely encouraged the still believing part. I think he wants to still believe

BadLad · 27/10/2024 23:43

If he's eyes wet, and full of tears then it's time to tell him.

Just tell him it's actually you giving him his presents, and he'll be upset for a short while if he enjoyed the belief in Father Christmas. Then he'll get over it and be fine.

BonnedPaster · 27/10/2024 23:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Floralnomad · 28/10/2024 00:39

Fgs just tell him the truth , how is ‘the magic’ still fun when your child is getting this upset about it in October . Ridiculous carry on , he’s asked you a question , answer it truthfully . We always did FC as a tale , always had a lovely Christmas and my children are now adults and both still love Christmas .

user2848502016 · 28/10/2024 00:40

I think 8 is old enough to be told the truth, I would if I was being asked about it that much. My 9 year old still believes but she hasn't really questioned me about it. If she was questioning a lot I would just tell her.

Dramatic · 28/10/2024 00:47

I think 8 or 9 is about the right age to let them in on the secret, especially if they're outright asking. There was a lovely letter someone wrote about them now being father Christmas along with all the older kids and adults and about how it's a very special job to keep the magic of Christmas alive, I'm not sure where to find it now but Google might be able to help

BobbyBiscuits · 28/10/2024 00:55

You can say 'he is the spirit of Christmas so he is there in people's minds and hearts and that's why we have stocking presents, a tree etc. he wouldn't be able to be there for every kid in the world all at the same time if he was a normal guy, would he? So he visits in people's imagination.'
That might placate him for now.
Just don't say he was probably a construct of the coca cola company!

I'm guessing by the time December comes along he'll still enjoy everything just as much.

Flittingaboutagain · 28/10/2024 01:31

Oh no bless him. Given what you're saying I'd tell him the truth.

I remember always knowing that Father Christmas was a lovely tradition more than an actual single person and so never questioning real or not. It wasn't until I was 11 that I realised other people didn't know. So I'm bringing mine up the same way.

My sister's children are older than mine have all believed until secondary school. It's a shame something has made your lad cotton on when he's clearly upset rather than pleased he's figured it out. Makes me think he's too young for it be over!

Norma27 · 28/10/2024 07:37

My youngest is 10 and we are sure knows the truth but likes to play along for now. My husband and I just had this conversation about 5 mins ago before reading this.
We will keep the pretence this year but tell he the truth if she does ask. I love the idea above about it being a game to make people happy.
We will def tell the truth before senior school which is September.
Luckily she is already an aunty so she can help with the magic for the little ones still.

CharlotteLightandDark · 28/10/2024 07:42

8 is definitely not too young, about average I’d say.
if they’re asking directly they should be told the truth, otherwise it is outright lying to their face really

doodleschnoodle · 28/10/2024 07:42

We've made the decision not to lie if DC ask us. We've been deliberately vague about it all anyway and DD1(5) is already a bit sceptical but not bothered or upset, just some comments about not being convinced he's real but not asking us directly. I think if it's causing this much upset it has ceased to be a fun thing.

You could be gentle about it and say 'Well, what do you think about it all? What do you believe?'

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