Is going to be office 3 times a week going to change my situation?

[itakemy]

A few months ago, I was suffering from burnout.

I have two kids, 2 and 4 and a husband who leaves for work before they get up and gets back after they go to bed.

His job is physical and he's self employed so can't really change his schedule.

I was working full time in a demanding role, but from home. Apart from needing to travel abroad for a few nights, once every couple of months.

It was hard going and the balance was totally off, as even at weekends I would always give him a lie in and pander to him. He gets pretty unhappy / grumpy and his moods really affect me. So I would spend a lot of my weekends trying to give him space to do stuff and take the kids out on my own so he could just chill and not be as unhappy.

Needless to say, it didn't result in him being happier and made me pretty resentful. He never looks out for me in the same way.

Anyhow. The last few months have been interesting. Husband has realised just how much stuff I was paying for that he had no idea really and has been pretty stressed about paying for it all himself. He earns very well and is able to put a sizeable amount in savings every month, that he uses to invest.

In any case, it's time for me to go back to work. I've found a position which needs me in office, three days a week. Husband and I have had many many conversations which all centre around him doing more and being there more when he is actually here. Like doing the laundry, batch cooking at weekends. It can't all be left to me. I won't be here for a lot of the week, like I used to be.

I'm worried that his needs will still ' trump ' mine and I'll be called ' a nag ' when I complain. He'll argue his work is more physical, he's out of the house 5 days and always on his feet. Whereas I'm only out of the house for 3 days and for less. I am worried nothing is going to change and we will just fight a lot and I'll be even more stressed than before because now I also have to attend to an office, as well as do the school run and dinner and bed time alone every day.

How can I get out of the rut of being called a nag and all these arguments about him having a more intense schedule than me? I don't want to go back into that situation. I'm worried.

I was hoping the fact that I'm not here will mean I can't physically do it all anymore.

I have also thought about getting a nanny to do some of the pick ups and drop offs on my office days. But what would really help me is if I had someone who could help me during the dinner and bed time rush.

Maybe a couple of hours from 6-8 pm every day I go to the office ? So I can quickly cook dinner / prepare left overs and have someone help me clear up and put them to bed.

If he's self employed why can he not create flexibility to be home some week nights? Re-examine whether that really is impossible. It might not be optimum, but all parents have to make sacrifices and it sounds like he is not.

It doesn’t sound like much of a life for either of you, to be honest, and a nanny won’t help that. Do you spend any time together at all? Do you want to?

His needs will continue to trump yours if you continue to pander to him.

Your bar is so low it's ridiculous wrt what he should be doing in the house. Considering paying someone to help with dinner/bedtime rather than expecting your DH to share the load is ridiculous.

I'd you aren't careful, you'll burn out again. Noone can hold down a full time job, take sole responsibility of caring for their children and do all the house jobs too. It's madness

Job changing hours just isn't possible right now. And it's not because I'm dumb and he's lying to me. It's legitimately the situation, so please can people stop suggesting that.

It's not possible right now.

What is possible is his behaviour on the whole changing when he is home. He has the weekends off and can pitch in. He can go food shopping and plan meals, batch cook, put a load of laundry on- even if his hours can't change for now.

Considering paying someone to help with dinner/bedtime rather than expecting your DH to share the load is ridiculous.

It's really not ridiculous. Not everyone has flexible jobs. This is complicated. He's not able to come home in time to do those things. He just can't do it.

So rather than a Nanny, could you get a cleaner who takes care of domestic needs such as cleaning, washing and ironing? It might be worth having a pre-order on a supermarket delivery site that just needs to be tweaked each week and delivered after the children are in bed?

Agree with PPs that you're doing far too much and taking in paid employment is only going to add to your plate. Your DH needs to be firmly on board and start upping his game NOW before you return to work so a) you know whether he is going to do it (or not), and b) the routine is established before you return to work.

Well you seem to be pretty rigid on what is not possible yet you have let this man walk all over you and allowed him to do barely zero in regards to actually running the home, raising the kids and by the sounds of it he barely contributes financially

Are you desperate to please him?

Time to start standing up for yourself which you seem quite capable of going by your posts

Outsource everything to

Cleaner
Ironing
Get food delivered

Make him pay half minimum

do not take on the mental load of "house manager" sit down ever week & together plan the next week.

Eg
Twice a week you cook
Twice a eeej he cooks
Twice a week take out
One night a week toasties

Make him learn kids schedules re swim kits. Pe kits, clubs. Parties, presents etc

If he doesn't get in line. Tell him to fuck off - at least you'll get weekends to yourself

Bit strange to comment “he’s self employed so can’t change his work schedule”, actually as a self employer person he can and does have the power to change his schedule if he see’s a need to.

The truth is that you’ve made a rod for your own back now because you have been doing it all, so any changes on your side are going to be met with push back from him because he will not want to batch cook, clean, do laundry etc when he’s never had to do it before. You will need to set clear boundaries here and stick to them.

@Butterflyfern single parents hold down a FT job, raise their kids and keep the house. It's not ideal but it's reality for a lot of people. OP might be better off flying solo as she appears to be married in name only

Depends how much you’re both bringing in income wise. One of dd’s friends has a chef come to cook for them as well as a cleaner etc as his parents work very full time jobs and have a large income. I imagine most domestic chores are outsourced in their home. Would love to be a fly on the wall.

Job changing hours just isn't possible right now. And it's not because I'm dumb and he's lying to me. It's legitimately the situation, so please can people stop suggesting that.
It's not possible right now.

Reality check @itakemy those two children that you and your DH created didn't just magically pop out one day. They have come about because you made the decision to have them. What's happened since has been 100% down to how your both managed this situation.

the fact you're defending your DHs position, whilst simultaneously saying it's untenable because you're burnt out by single handedly doing all the heavy lifting in the marriage says that you aren't communicating well together (a you and DH problem) and your DH has proactively chosen to opt out of his family responsibilities which you've tacitly gone along with (leading to you burning out). Why are you giving him such a free ride?

none of us on here can wave a magic wand over your situation while you have a no-can-do attitude about it. You and your DH have to work as a partnership in raising your DC whilst both maintaining your respective jobs.

as previously said upthread, your DH is enjoying the life of Reilly being able to leave home early and come home late, while you're vexing over everything from your job, to the household chores whilst he's probably lying there snoring and getting a good night's sleep.

Your looking in the wrong direction for the solution
if DH is out of the house for work 13 hours a day ( guessing this as leaves before there up and back after they’ve gone to bed )
that’s really him out the picture
you need to buy in help

If he’s saving and investing there’s spare money and that should be used to make life easier while the DC are so young.
He’s not going to change unless there’s something in it for him. You need to start being more selfish. Do you and the DC and leave the house stuff or pay someone else to do it. Or just leave and do it all without the resentment.
Resentment kills marriages.

If there’s money to save then there’s money to outsource his contribution to the running of the family - a nanny and/or a cleaner, for example. You can’t do it all alone with no support, whose benefit is this life for?

Stop martyring yourself at weekends - when does he see his children?! Split lie ins, make plans as a family.

I find this post very sad, mainly because the kids don’t see their dad at all in the week and it sounds like he doesn’t spend time with them at all at the weekend. Moreover that doesn’t seem to be a concern to either of you. Where people struggle financially it’s still sad for the kids but understandable but it really doesn’t sound like that in this case, he’s saving and investing and you are talking about throwing money at services to reduce the domestic load on you. Surely as a self employed person there is scope to take on less work and work slightly less hours a couple of days a week.

EIther way you need a massive reset. The first thing is that you each need a day that is your lie in. He has Saturday so he can recover physically, you have Sunday. On your lie in, he gives the kids quality time and ensures you are not disturbed. Throughout the rest of the weekend, it needs to be a balance of both you and the kids getting what you need and not just dh including family time together. Plan at least one afternoon to do an activity all together.

Outsource the cleaning, ironing and laundry if you can. Mealtimes, yes give dh the batch cooking job to do at the weekend. As the dc get older, ensure they have little jobs to do to help you out and teach them responsibility and teamwork. Are there any activities dh can take them to instead of you? E.g swimming lessons. Once established in the job, see if flexible working patterns can be agreed . E.g compressed hours. You probably can’t do much and would need dh one day a week to drop off or pickup for example but even compressing hours down to give you a half day off a week or working 9:day fortnights could help give you some extra breathing space.

Ultimately I’d just take a step back and ask yourselves together if this is the lifestyle and childhood memories you want your children to have. As they get older, they need/want you less so that’s the time you can consider the working hours you both have if really necessary but for now is it absolutely necessary and worth it just to have money in the bank?

Whilst I agree with most of what you said I really do take issue with the following:
'Noone can hold down a full time job, take sole responsibility of caring for their children and do all the house jobs too. It's madness'
Yes they can and frequently do! Single mums, mums whose husbands work away, mums with useless husbands have all been doing it all for a very long time.

He's not going to do it. Those types never do.

And before anybody chips in with 'Well, he'll have to when he has the kids for 50% of the time', he won't do that, either.

Your choice is more whether you want to do it without him there constantly chipping in with 'I'm on my feet all day, you just go and sit on your arse at a computer for three days a week' and 'I had to work late' when he fails to come home until 9.30pm on the nights you wanted him to cook.

I did the nursery/school runs. DH was out to work at 6am, home after nursery closed. I worked FT but hybrid. Batch cook for when you are in the office. Rather than FT nursery can you do a couple of days of nanny? I did 2 days nanny, 3 nursery.

Then it meant DC were home, fed and relative calm at home for my return, our last nanny was brilliant for doing day trips when the weather was nice, which satisfied my Mum guilt. We advertised locally, paid via Nanny pay scheme (they sort NI and tax).

I also had a weekly cleaner.

It sounds unlikely your Dp will change, so what are you willing to do if he doesn’t? Lots of people have to change hours (jobs even) to fit around kids, so it’s a reasonable suggestion. Even one early finish would help!

That said my shortcut suggestions are;

• food delivery rather than shop. Can get. It once kids in bed.
• batch cook so only need to cook a few times a week (less washing up too)
• I tend to have two meals a week that are the same on my two busiest days as it’s easier. We have soup and sandwiches once a week, could squeeze to two. (kids have school dinners)
• hire a cleaner. If you iron outsource that too
• we are a big family so I do one wash a day start to finish’s (finish might be putting away the wash from the day before)
• min your situation is wash mine and DC and leave his unless needed to fill a wash:

I've got a 2yo and a 4yo and while I love them day to day life is relentless, me and DH are both knackered. The difference is, my DH pulls his weight. I get what you mean about him being out of the house, mine worked night shifts until recently so like you, he physically wasn't there for a lot of it.
I think you need to value yourself more and have boundaries. His mood isn't your problem you need to learn to ignore it. There are 2 mornings a week someone gets a lie in, you should get one each, everything is easier after some sleep. We've started having turns for afternoon naps at the weekends now if its been a particularly shit week for sleep, it's doesn't take 2 people to parent, so one should be parenting while the other does house jobs. If he doesn't step up, I'd find myself too tired to wash his clothes and just do mine and the children's, shop for food we liked but he didn't, cook for the 3 of us because DH is too busy to spend time with us so doesn't need a meal etc. We also throw money at things we can (appreciate I'm lucky to be able to) so we have a cleaner who will tidy as she goes, over the summer we pay a gardener to mow the lawn. I'm contemplating asking our nursery staff to do some babysitting hours to give me some time for life admin, you might find on of your nursery staff will do a bedtime shift for you. Good luck I'm sure we'll miss these days one day x

@BadPeopleFan well they don't, do they, they have to get childcare.

This would really annoy me. It did to such a huge extent it was one of the reasons I ended my marriage. My ex husband left everything to me and I was so resentful, there were other factor too in the split but that was one of my top 3 reasons.

I work 5 days a week and have 4 children. It is manageable but organisation is key
I probably spend at least a morning a weekend cleaning so if u can get a cleaner that will help or split the jobs so you do maybe 2 hours a weekend each.
Daily I do the basics, hover clean kitchen and bathroom, put a load of washing on.
With two of you this is completely manageable.

I'd actually suggest being out the home is better, you will be fully engaged with work and no one will be in the house to mess it up. Use something like a slow cooker on the days your in the office chuck it in in the morning wipe down the kitchen and when you come in it's done.

Really your husband needs to step up here and help you out. When you have to do it you can, like I did and do, but when someone is not pulling their weight it's worse as you feel so cross about it.

Best of luck with your job, youl be absolutely fine

I actually found it easier by physically going to the office as I was away from the household jobs
Admittedly the bare minimum is done, and it's taken over 6 months before DH finally gets it, for example he will do breakfast, cook dinner but leave everything an absolute mess for me to do 'because its not his job'. but why should it be mine when im working too?
its very hard to change habits especially when DH is reluctant to. I'm not sure i'll ever see a lie in in my lifetime though!