Is going to be office 3 times a week going to change my situation?

[itakemy]

A few months ago, I was suffering from burnout.

I have two kids, 2 and 4 and a husband who leaves for work before they get up and gets back after they go to bed.

His job is physical and he's self employed so can't really change his schedule.

I was working full time in a demanding role, but from home. Apart from needing to travel abroad for a few nights, once every couple of months.

It was hard going and the balance was totally off, as even at weekends I would always give him a lie in and pander to him. He gets pretty unhappy / grumpy and his moods really affect me. So I would spend a lot of my weekends trying to give him space to do stuff and take the kids out on my own so he could just chill and not be as unhappy.

Needless to say, it didn't result in him being happier and made me pretty resentful. He never looks out for me in the same way.

Anyhow. The last few months have been interesting. Husband has realised just how much stuff I was paying for that he had no idea really and has been pretty stressed about paying for it all himself. He earns very well and is able to put a sizeable amount in savings every month, that he uses to invest.

In any case, it's time for me to go back to work. I've found a position which needs me in office, three days a week. Husband and I have had many many conversations which all centre around him doing more and being there more when he is actually here. Like doing the laundry, batch cooking at weekends. It can't all be left to me. I won't be here for a lot of the week, like I used to be.

I'm worried that his needs will still ' trump ' mine and I'll be called ' a nag ' when I complain. He'll argue his work is more physical, he's out of the house 5 days and always on his feet. Whereas I'm only out of the house for 3 days and for less. I am worried nothing is going to change and we will just fight a lot and I'll be even more stressed than before because now I also have to attend to an office, as well as do the school run and dinner and bed time alone every day.

How can I get out of the rut of being called a nag and all these arguments about him having a more intense schedule than me? I don't want to go back into that situation. I'm worried.

Your life will change…but possibly for the better.

I agree with everyone who says that the answer is to throw money at the problem, as you can afford to. Taking the mundane tasks away from both of you will help.

Also, as your children get older, they may want to do more extra-curricular, so having a nanny-housekeeper will take the pressure off the parental-cab.

I understand where your husband is coming from to a certain extent. Mine is a true introvert. Contact with people through the working week ‘costs’ him, and he needs to recharge his energy, so we do leave him alone a little bit to recover…but once he’s recharged, he contributes to family life full-heartedly.

I would do the above and see what happens with the frictions and your husband’s behaviour towards you. You do not deserve to be treated this way, but you may find that removing this massive pinch point sorts things out.

If not, I am very sorry, but he doesn’t really have an excuse.

I think you might find being out of the house quite liberating op. I swapped from wfh to 3 days in the office when my kids were 2 and 6, DH works long hours - office based with more flex than your dh but not reliably available. It completely changed my energy for work. Logistics were a bit harder, we do have a cleaner and an after school nanny to help. 2yrs on and my MH has substantially improved - being around people has been at least part of that and I’m so glad I went back to an office environment now. Kids are happier too as they get picked up and taken home rather than childminder / afterschool clubs every night…

What do you think single parents do?
There is no one else to help,yet they manage.

My DH wfh as much as I do but I don’t ask him to do laundry as he always messes it up 🙄

Hm have you heard of strategic incompetence @Narwhalsh? If he had to live alone for 2 months, would he have ruined all of his clothes by the end of it? Don’t think so.

I also use Google tasks to have automatic reminders for things like plant watering and laundry & I use my calendar to add in tasks like “think about putting up new shelf” “book x y z activity” “buy new shoes” whenever they enter my brain so that I don’t have to remember.

There is research that the “mental list” you keep drains your mental energy in a way that an electronic /physical to do list doesn’t. This isn’t necessarily for the husband issue (although Google tasks reminding him to batch cook on Sunday also removes any temptation for you to do it) but to help avoid your own burnout.

Definitely get a cleaner, someone for the ironing and if you can afford it, an afternoon nanny for a couple of evenings.

with regards your DH, yes he needs to step up but I can tell you from experience it won’t happen overnight and will require you stepping back. I went from being at home ft to working in an office 5 days a week so my family had no choice but to step up but my god it was chaos for the first couple of months. My advice would be start NOW with a couple of non-negotiable jobs before you are back at work -get your husband to do the food shop & make dinner Saturday or Sunday. It’s not much but it sounds like he does nothing right now so it’s a start and these things need to be done. Sit down together Friday night and over dinner make a meal plan for the week and write the shopping list. He gets a lie-in Saturday morning but then takes the kids to the supermarket so you get some me time too. If he doesn’t like it give him the option of online ordering but it’s up to him to sort it - don’t moan if he buys different things to you, don’t take over and don’t be around to unpack. Ditto evening meal, get out of the house and leave him to it.

And once that’s established, add in another chores and then another until you feel the balance is fair taking into account his hours & the physicality of his job (my DH works in a trade and is totally knackered during the week but still manages to chuck a wash on before work, cook dinner twice a week, put the bins out and when the kids were young, be involved in bedtime.

Fucking hell some of these responses are so aggressive and shameful.

Ops getting a pile-on for a situation that MANY women have sadly found themselves in.

Out of all these responses I wonder how, in reality, it is so simple for allllllll these women to say "shape up or fuck off" to their own husbands.

Have you read these boards? Your husband will not start batch cooking on the weekend.

Advertising for a home help would fit the bill if you want to outsource. You'll likely get a young person or a student, or someone with grown up children who can do the jobs you need with you present.

I'm worried about you though. You are heading for burnout again. The first responsibility to ditch is responsibility for his happiness. That's up to him. Of course you will do nice things for him as part of your relationship, but it's best not to do them in response to his moods. He's not number 1, you are. Prioritise burnout prevention, take some breaks.

Not everyone who is self employed has a flexible schedule. If you’re a self employed retail business, the shop has to be open during business hours. DH used to leave for work at 6.30am, to prep for the day. The shop was open from 8am to 5.30, then there were the end of the day jobs to do, as well as the admin aspects. He’d usually be home about 7pm.

Thats not to say that OP’s husband shouldn’t pull his weight. Perhaps he can be more flexible in his work, but it can be difficult for some self employed workers.

@Mummyoflittledragon

find this post very sad, mainly because the kids don’t see their dad at all in the week and it sounds like he doesn’t spend time with them at all at the weekend

• it's not ideal. My kids are 2 years apart too and as dh is military they never saw him but sometimes that's what has to happen to pay the bills.

Op I get called a nag too. He says I'm always moaning. So what's the alternative? Don't mention it and do it myself? I totally sympathise.

Your DH is not involved in family life and calls you a nag when you challenge this. He conveniently works hours that absent himself from childcare/housework in the week so that can work long hours and build up his savings. He doesn't see you as a human being with your own wants and needs, just a live-in maid and nanny. I honestly don't know how this will change - he's where he wants to be and is happy to see you struggling as long as he doesn't have to get involved. Surely this isn't sustainable for you?

You're walking on eggshells to try to prevent his bad moods. Whether he is or isn't depressed, the family shouldn't need to pander to him - if he is genuinely depressed he needs to get help. I really feel for the children - they must sense he doesn't want to spend time with you or them.

Does he WANT to spend time with his kids? If not you'll never change him.

I'd suggest relationship counselling. Talk all this through with a third person so your DH can't just refuse to engage/call you a nag. There'll be someone there to lead the conversation and challenge any name calling etc.

A nanny/housekeeper will help with laundry, cooking and childcare.

In my experience, many men will just let you continue on with doing stuff yourself if you don't set expectations. I was getting really frustrated with our own similar situation and so I just sat down with DH and allocated him specific jobs. Now he cooks dinner on a specific evening each week (and meal plans for it and makes sure we have all the right ingredients etc), he has a designated day for dropping kids to breakfast club and also for picking them up from Afterschools clubs. There is also an expectation that he will cook at least one meal at the weekend, and depending on what else we have on sometimes he will make dinner on both Saturday and Sunday.

He works more paid hours than me so I end up doing more around the house, which is fair enough, but i'm definitely a lot happier since we made a few changes. I told him that he had to take on all the mental load associated with the task eg taking the kids to breakfast club didn't just involve driving them there, it also involved making sure they were dressed on time, had their coats and bags etc. The first few weeks there were lots of forgotten coats and lunchboxes etc and it made me realise how much I had actually just done stuff for him and never gave him the opportunity to think about these things himself. But he soon learnt, and it's definitely made for a much happier household with less resentment from me

Op I've read through this whole thread and tbh what at first appears to be your husband being a bit lazy let's say, now come across as something quite unhealthy. You get called a nag or an albertross when you try and engage him in family life? You shouldn't be spoken to like that or blown up at? Rather than throwing money as people have suggested at a cleaner it may be better to throw that money on some couples therapy, he sounds really unreasonable. Perhaps a level playing field is what you need to communicate with him and for him to have some time to reflect of his behaviour and how utterly awful those comments are to his wife who is working hard and trying to keep the family connection going.

Two full time working adults, two small children and spare money? Hell yes I'd pay for help!

But I'd also tell him the Get With The Programme. Life is a slog at this stage. If he's not careful he will PERMANENTLY damage his relationship with his children who will only remember him as absent, tired, moody or resentful. Is that what he wants?

I'm thinking from 6-8 pm, just getting an extra pair of hands and company could work.

Mentioned it to my Husband today and he was immediately like ' what about if I come home early ? I don't want anyone in my house ! '

He rarely gets home early.

I told him to fuck off. Selfish bastard. Again his first thought was for himself.

Ok so dh does think has has scope to finish early which is win-win for both you and the kids. So agree a plan with him and say you’ll review each month and if it’s not working out you’ll be getting the nanny.

Just stop doing it all on the days you're out at work. Tell him he needs to do some batch cooking at the weekend.