To be miffed mum has given DSis valuable jewellery

[whatalemming]

I am one of 3 sisters all in our 50's. Parents 80 & 82 are still pretty fit & well living independently. They are really quite wealthy (relevant for the topic not a random boast!)

My middle sister was burgled earlier this year and amongst other items had a lots of jewellery stolen that unfortunately won't be covered by her insurers (she didn't ever provide the required proof of ownership or get valuations). We all met at the weekend and she was talking about buying some cheap costume jewellery so she doesn't feel so bare & has something pretty for when she goes out. Our mother then jumped in and offered her a number of pieces of jewellery & my sister swiftly accepted. Some are items she had inherited from her own mother, others items my father has gifted over the years - all pretty valuable and an assumption they would be shared between the 3 of us in time.

I didn't say anything as the jewellery is my mother's to do what she pleases, but I'm really miffed they are now all going to middle sister just because she was was too lazy to complete the paperwork on her insurance! And hopefully we won't have to worry about it, but there is also the potential for IHT issues if she died within 7 years so my DH reckons there should be some formal record of the gift. I haven't spoken to my youngest sis but the look of incredulity on her face suggests she was similarly shocked.

So AIBU & a spoilt brat who should butt out, or YANBU & entirely justified in feeling miffed and Dsis shouldn't get an early inheritance.

I suspect many will find you unreasonable but i'd feel the same as you. Your sis is being rewarded for her incompetence at the cost of the other sisters receiving tokens to remember your mother by.

Not sure you can say anything without sounding grabby tho.

Doesn't sound as though your mum gave up all of the jewellery, only some of it. Not sure what the issue is, really. My great aunt had her house broken into and lost all her jewellery. It was extremely traumatic and the last thing I would be thinking of is how "lazy" she is by not completing insurance paperwork.

I'd be hurt but perhaps your mum had always intended on these pieces going to her and had now given them early. You could ask of course rather than feel resentful. That being said noone is owed an inheritance and she can divide her jewellery however she decides.

I'm one of 4 (3 sisters and a brother) and my mum has already given us the pieces we were due to inherit. I have 2 girls and have written down what they will each receive and hope to gift them during my lifetime so I can see my girls wear them.

I would wait and see because I wouldn't be surprised if your mother gives jewellery to each daughter. I can't see anyone just handing it all to one daughter (unless the other two never wear jewellery).

Was it some or all?

I would mention it

With regards to IHT, how would anyone know the jewellery previously made up part of the estate and had since been given away?
Unless it was specifically mentioned in the will then how would anyone know or why would you raise the matter?
If it was of great value, insured separately or kept in a safety deposit box (i.e. a paper trail) then it may come to light but otherwise, how would anyone (other than yourselves) know?

It was 2 rings (1 was my granny's Cartier engagement ring and the other a sizable Sapphire dress ring), a diamond necklace & earring set, another pair of earrings plus a gold watch. This is only a selection of my mum's jewellery but probably the most valuable as they were her fancy going bits that she doesn't wear anymore which was her rationale - ie why let them sit in a box when Dsis is sad without anything which I get & can see she was just being kind but it doesn't stop me being bitter about it.

I would feel the same.

If you and your husband have built ab affluent life together I'd say nothing. You'll cause too much unnecessary friction and one ring has to live in one house.

Maybe you could get DM to write a letter that, on her death, all jewellery has to be split evenly .. buy some scales now, and weigh / photograph everything, so it’s a fair split.

Maybe you could take it all to be valued now.

Sister deserves nothing, she should be punished into wearing cheaper jewellery, for her laziness in not being properly insured. I’m sure being burglared was not traumatic enough, better she has a lasting reminder

@Nourishinghandcream they will definitely be itemised separately & I'd be amazed if there wasn't a paper trail as my dad is a stickler for rules - he worked in insurance so everything is insured to the max and value wise are well north of the usual single item limits.

Up to your mother what she does with her things.

If you believe your mother had no malicious intentions then let it go

Oh OP, I completely understand. Could you talk to your other DSis and then both of you tell your mum how hurt you are? Maybe she didn’t think. Regardless of the value, important family heirlooms such as a grandmother’s ring, should be carefully distributed.

@whatalemming perhaps you and your younger sis should have a word with your father? this sounds really bad to me. practically, like your sis expected her to say that to her and she ran and chose the valuable items first! pretty sure your father wont think the same as your mum.

Did she definitely give it to her, or __lend it to her to wear?

It was never yours to covet in the first place. Your mum can do whatever she likes with her own stuff. That includes stuff she inherited from her own mother. She could chuck it in the Thames should the spirit move her, or give it to Battersea Dogs Home.

When she dies, sure, pick over the estate and argue with your sisters for your perceived fair share. But it’s absolutely horrible of you to object to your mum giving her own stuff away to one of her children.

You’re thinking like a vulture, OP. I’m sure you are better than that.

I can’t believe you basically decimated your mother’s jewellery into stones, metal and branding. It’s not that she’s getting everything. It’s that she’s getting what you perceive to be the expensive bits. I would be with you if there was any sentimentality at all but this is truly disgusting.

If the items were heirlooms that go back more than a couple of generations I would be frustrated with this. If they were relatively new but expensive it wouldn't bother me as much

Maybe mention to do your Dad that you don't want to appear jealous but you are a bit sad that precious family heirlooms aren't being shared equally for you to then pass down to your daughters/family in time.

I would be miffed as well, not for the monetary value but due to parents not treating the children equally.

My older sister was given free rein of my Mother's jewellery box before Mum died. No issue, except it was done in secret and she was back off in a plane to Canada before the 2 other sisters were even told. It was just the first brick in a now impenetrable wall. Don't let it fester. Speak your piece, don't expect anything to change, but have your feelings acknowledged and then move on.

A) was it given or lent?
B) is your sister going to Insure it and can she afford to?
C) valuation is needed for a) insurance purposes and b) estate mgmt if your mum passes away.

Personally I'd have a gentle conversation with your mum AND your sister to say that you're a bit hurt but it is her jewellery to give away. You would like to clarify the above though as neither you nor your sister want to fall out with your sister in the future and you thought it better to have an awkward conversation now.

There is nothing to say it would stay in the family anyway if it was past down to the next generation.
It's a pita but they are/ were your mum's to give away /sell if she wanted.
I'd let this one go, as anything else seems grabby.

Make sure your sister has improved her home insurance.

@Quitelikeit definitely no malicious intent and I don't think Dsis is grabby enough to swoop in as suggested - more a case of one person being sad at lack of jewellery and another having surplus & kindly sharing but without thinking about the wider implications ie siblings getting equal share or at least some items.

Whilst I am miffed, I don't want the jewellery to sell so monetary value is irrelevant but we're not rich so most of my jewellery is more high street than high end so would love to be given the option of wearing some of her jewellery. I also know that once she's gone, we will would cherish those items as there are some wonderful memories of my mum getting dressed up for balls and dinners and dazzling in all her finery so you're wrong to say I've broken it down to stones & metal @Roosnoodles and 'truly disgusting' is totally unnecessary.