To be miffed mum has given DSis valuable jewellery

[whatalemming]

I am one of 3 sisters all in our 50's. Parents 80 & 82 are still pretty fit & well living independently. They are really quite wealthy (relevant for the topic not a random boast!)

My middle sister was burgled earlier this year and amongst other items had a lots of jewellery stolen that unfortunately won't be covered by her insurers (she didn't ever provide the required proof of ownership or get valuations). We all met at the weekend and she was talking about buying some cheap costume jewellery so she doesn't feel so bare & has something pretty for when she goes out. Our mother then jumped in and offered her a number of pieces of jewellery & my sister swiftly accepted. Some are items she had inherited from her own mother, others items my father has gifted over the years - all pretty valuable and an assumption they would be shared between the 3 of us in time.

I didn't say anything as the jewellery is my mother's to do what she pleases, but I'm really miffed they are now all going to middle sister just because she was was too lazy to complete the paperwork on her insurance! And hopefully we won't have to worry about it, but there is also the potential for IHT issues if she died within 7 years so my DH reckons there should be some formal record of the gift. I haven't spoken to my youngest sis but the look of incredulity on her face suggests she was similarly shocked.

So AIBU & a spoilt brat who should butt out, or YANBU & entirely justified in feeling miffed and Dsis shouldn't get an early inheritance.

I remember being pissed off when my mum passed some of her jewellery to my sister and later, to my daughters (DD1 promptly lost hers!). Her reason was that I was ‘too fat’ to wear it. Passive aggressive score settling as she hates me. Dsis is golden child as is DD1 out of her grandchildren.

I bought my own jewellery which I wear all the time. I give no fucks about old stuff passed with venomous intent. It’s hers to do with as she wants. Let it wash over you.

But you did break it down to stones and metals. You said that there was other jewellery to go around with and mentioned specifically that your sister got the most valuable ones. You can't claim you want a memento at the same time as being aggrieved that your share is unlikely to be as valuable as your sister's. Surely you can remember your mother by putting on her favourite high street locket just as much as the Cartier diamond set.

Well you are just delightful! I hope you are never burgled.

Goodness op. This comes across as so grabby. You tried to defend it saying it was sentimentality where as your focus is on value, how much they are worth, even inheritance tax. It is a little distasteful.

Your sister isn’t being rewarded for not being insured, what a horrible way to look at it. Have you ever been burgled? It’s a horrible experience before you even get to the financial loss.

Monetary value is clearly not irrelevant to you because you’ve made a specific point about the value of these items.

Obviously it would be fair for this gift to be taken in to account in any future sharing of jewellery whether while your mum is alive or as inheritance. Whether or not you can talk to her about it depends on your relationship.

Would it be possible to ask your sister and mother if they could be considered a loan rather than a gift and then are part of the estate for the purpose of your DM's will?

It's entirely up to your mum. If I did this and my kids came asking if it could be considered a loan not a gift and how it wasn't fair I would not be impressed.

I hope she gets them valued, photographed and stores the documents safely in case she gets burgled again. My neighbour got burgled last year and all her very valuable jewellery was taken. She has had an awful time with her insurers because she couldn't produce all the above information. They won't pay out for any of it.

Shes given her otems to wear now. Not when shes dead. Im sure she has more otend which will be yours when the time comes.
Yabu

For me the bigger issue is where will she store this jewellery?

What precautions had she taken to safeguard against another break-in?

It’s not unusual to be targeted again.

Exactly.

If your sister’s home was broken into and her jewellery taken I would think that there is an increased risk of it happening again so your sister should think about insurance/safe/cameras. Also if she is burgled when she is in she needs to be able to hand stuff over quickly rather than be hurt. I would think it would be better to not have valuable jewellery at her house for a time.

not trying to be funny, but how do you distribute one ring?

Is she going to insure them properly this time? It's not unusual for burglars to come back after a period of time on the assumption that things have been replaced, especially if the initial haul was good.

OK fair enough I can see that even though I wouldn't ever sell any inherited jewellery, my reaction was skewed in part by value. I think the problem is these expensive jewels were always something we fawned over as kids - they were beautifully boxed & mainly locked away so whilst yes of course my mum has other lovely jewellery, we saw that as normal everyday things and the expensive things as something extra special.

Anyway, I know neither my mum nor sister would knowingly exclude or hurt me & this is just a nice thing my mum has done for my sister after the loss of her own jewellery so this is on me to get over myself. I'm certainly not going to say anything to any of them that would be seriously mortifying not to mention cause a rift in an otherwise happy and loving family.

My sister has had an alarm with panic button installed plus safe as I know it really shook all of them up. And yes is fully insured up to the max.

Thanks for all the advice and stopping me from doing something silly

It may not be unreasonable, but it does hurt. Similar happened to me. My DM spent my entire life saying how lucky I was going to be as the only daughter, that I would inherit all her jewellery, it was used as a carrot and a stick to beat me with.

In the end she gave most of her stuff away in her later years to my SIL, who sucked up to her and agreed with her every whim, and is married to her favourite son. She gave her incredibly sentimental, to me, items from my Dad, who passed away years ago, her engagement ring, her 40th Anniversary ring. These were listed on a codicil to the will, given me in writing, as the executor, with strict instructions that they were bequethed to me. She also "lost" some items, which I know went to her carer, including some paintings, which I really liked and she knew I wanted.

I didn't pursue it, even as executor, I binned the codicil, because I like my SIL, but it did hurt, and I am still spicy about it now.

Well done for thinking it through. It takes a big person to do that. You should be proud of yourself.

It's impossible to share jewellery fairly anyway. The necklace and earrings set seems the most prized and you couldn't all have it.

It seems a normal response to her DDs hurt at having lost her jewellery in a burglary to me.

I honestly can't see I'd have any response other than poor DSis and I'm glad I'm not the one who was burgled.

I totally get where you are coming from OP and both the sentimentality and value do count in considering the unfairness of the situation. As others have said it was your mum's choice but your Mum and even your sister haven't considered the impact of the gift om both you and your other sister

I wouldn't bring it up with your sister at this stage but I might have a conversation with mum at how surprised you were and how yiu realise how important it will be for you to have a similar memento that has such vivid memories attached when mum is no longer around. It may not have occurred to your mother how much it meant.

Value does come into it too. For this exact reason my parents have compiled a list as to how my mum's jewellery should be divided between me and my sister (but I was rather surprised to see my niece already wearing one of her rings - but she is the only granddaughter out of 6 grandkids).

Insurers will let you claim jewellry up to their standard amount before requesting evidence of valuations. Usually up to £1.5-2k per item. All she needs is proof of gift / purchase (wedding photos are enough). Seems to me she’s lying to your mum for some reason.

Grabby and entitled and absolutely none of your business.

I honestly think people talk an awful lot of shite on here & most people would feel as you do.

Honestly? The majority would have 100% neutral or supportive feelings about one of their siblings being given the bulk of the valuable & sentimental heirloom jewellery? I actually don't believe it.

OP, I would feel exactly as you do but I also recognise that you're caught between a rock & a hard place as there's no 'nice' way to bring this up.

I think it's easier to understand or accept a rationale specified in a will I.e. granny's engagement to eldest daughter, diamond necklace to middle, earrings etc to youngest or whatever..but it's hard to see things just handed out in front of you on a whim.

It was also on your sister who was offered the jewellery to say she'd accept one item but that the rest should be shared between you all. So while your mum did a very kind thing for her, that sister should have been more thoughtful.

'as there's no 'nice' way to bring this up.'

How about 'Hey old woman, don't give your jewellery just to her, we all want a share of your stuff when you croak it! We'll be round later to stick a post it note on all your cherished items to say who wants what.' 🙄

Absolutely disgusting to expect anything at all.

They won't pay anything near that if, for example, they decide your gold necklace isn't gold, or your solid silver bracelet is made of something else, unless you have documentary proof. (My neighbour's solid silver necklace and matching earrings have been valued by insurance as if they were pewter. She can't prove otherwise).

People on mn always talk about giving things out evenly etc but in real life you want to help the people who need help. It was lovely of your mum and your sister didn’t ask but as others said hopefully you get some of the other jewellery x