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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be miffed mum has given DSis valuable jewellery

55 replies

whatalemming · 25/10/2024 15:22

I am one of 3 sisters all in our 50's. Parents 80 & 82 are still pretty fit & well living independently. They are really quite wealthy (relevant for the topic not a random boast!)

My middle sister was burgled earlier this year and amongst other items had a lots of jewellery stolen that unfortunately won't be covered by her insurers (she didn't ever provide the required proof of ownership or get valuations). We all met at the weekend and she was talking about buying some cheap costume jewellery so she doesn't feel so bare & has something pretty for when she goes out. Our mother then jumped in and offered her a number of pieces of jewellery & my sister swiftly accepted. Some are items she had inherited from her own mother, others items my father has gifted over the years - all pretty valuable and an assumption they would be shared between the 3 of us in time.

I didn't say anything as the jewellery is my mother's to do what she pleases, but I'm really miffed they are now all going to middle sister just because she was was too lazy to complete the paperwork on her insurance! And hopefully we won't have to worry about it, but there is also the potential for IHT issues if she died within 7 years so my DH reckons there should be some formal record of the gift. I haven't spoken to my youngest sis but the look of incredulity on her face suggests she was similarly shocked.

So AIBU & a spoilt brat who should butt out, or YANBU & entirely justified in feeling miffed and Dsis shouldn't get an early inheritance.

OP posts:
whatalemming · 30/10/2024 16:11

Fuck me @Attelina you've got a vicious tongue. If you RTFT you'd see I've acknowledged this is not something to pursue and have reflected on my feelings so your OTT response is totally unnecessary.

Just think how people beyond the screen might feel before you merrily tap away!

OP posts:
Doone22 · 30/10/2024 17:12

I totally get it, it's not the value of the items specifically it's the carelessness of the thought behind the gift. I'd be gutted if I didn't have a special something to remember her by and become my family heirloom to pass on too.

candyflossbabe · 30/10/2024 18:17

Of course you’re entitled to have disgruntled feelings about it!!

I also understand the reasoning between your descriptions of the jewellery inc value because 9 times out of 10 if you hadn’t, people would have lambasted you for not giving context (because lets be honest there’s a massive difference between being gifted a few generic bits of jewellery and flipping Cartier imo !!)

The value does also tie in with the sentimentality because as you said, something like Mums fancy Sapphire ring is tied into the memory of her and special occasions as opposed to every day stuff. I have a fancy engagement ring myself and a special ring I also wear day to day, both sentimental but VERY different price points, if I gave one to one of my daughters and the other to the other, one would definitely be being shortchanged!!! 🙈

Feeling overlooked within families is definitely evocative and brings very weird sentiments, and are totally normal, the people on here not only dismissing the ideas but being vile (that one you called out definitely needs an attitude adjustment 🤬) are able to say that when they have no skin in the game. Like you said, even your other sister seems to have felt some kind of way so, even within your family dynamic so I doubt you are massively overreacting.

I suppose the only saving grace is that it clearly wasn’t done maliciously and in secret and against you solely, so I would take some comfort of it being more of an instinctive thing to placate an upset sister as opposed to a direct snub!

Would I come out directly and whinge etc - noooo!

might I at some point ask my other sister if it made her feel sad mum just giving all the ‘special’ jewellery away quite so casually - possibly, depends if you think your family dynamics would cope?

I recently learned my grandmother left my uncle a “fuck tonne” (direct quote 🙄🙄) amount of money years ago when she passed, which pretty much paid for my cousin’s wedding and house deposit, while I (quite literally the poor little orphan 🎻🎻🎻 🤣) got nothing. She was perfectly entitled to leave her money to her only son, but as we were very close, and i was her daughter’s only child, I still have weird bitter feelings about it.
I won’t be doing anything about it as a) i can’t but b) i’d be causing drama for nothing.
BUT If i would’ve known about it before she passed, maybe i might’ve asked for an understanding to the decision (before people come for me, i don’t mean thrown a money grabbing tantrum!!) i mean legitimately trying to understand why I was disregarded from what (imo) is a significant decision regarding your descendants etc and what you want to leave them, because the not understanding/knowing caused me pain and sadness that i’m left with and just having to get on with. (again to some of those vipers on here: PEOPLE KNOW THEY’RE NOT ENTITLED TO PEOPLE’S MONEY/JEWELLERY but you can’t be so naive to not realise that inequality in these matters can be just brushed away so easily!)

Wingedharpy · 30/10/2024 18:26

whatalemming · 30/10/2024 11:35

OK fair enough I can see that even though I wouldn't ever sell any inherited jewellery, my reaction was skewed in part by value. I think the problem is these expensive jewels were always something we fawned over as kids - they were beautifully boxed & mainly locked away so whilst yes of course my mum has other lovely jewellery, we saw that as normal everyday things and the expensive things as something extra special.

Anyway, I know neither my mum nor sister would knowingly exclude or hurt me & this is just a nice thing my mum has done for my sister after the loss of her own jewellery so this is on me to get over myself. I'm certainly not going to say anything to any of them that would be seriously mortifying not to mention cause a rift in an otherwise happy and loving family.

My sister has had an alarm with panic button installed plus safe as I know it really shook all of them up. And yes is fully insured up to the max.

Thanks for all the advice and stopping me from doing something silly

Ah. Well done OP.
If you were my sis, I'd happily lend you Mum's gems to wear when you wanted them.

Rainbowdottie · 30/10/2024 22:09

I sit on both sides of the fence really. I adore jewellery, I'm a lucky girl that I have some beautiful pieces of jewellery, some inherited, some bought by my husband. It's all very special to me. I have discussed what will happen to my jewellery when I pass. I've made it clear to my husband and in our will that my children just get it shared between them and that they amicably pick pieces themselves. Having 2 boys I don't know whether it be given to the wives or it will be sold (I'd rather it was kept in the family) but I recognise "when I go" it's theirs to do as they wish. My mum and my nan both loved jewellery too, a lot of my jewellery is very old and I'm very sentimental about it.

I do feel it's your mums jewellery to do as she wishes. She's made a decision to gift your sister some jewellery ,whilst she still here. Whether you view that fair or not, it's is your mums choice as its her jewellery.

On the other hand, I would be a little upset. If you love jewellery as much as I do, I can see why you think it should be distributed fairly. I just don't think there's much you can do about it. Maybe your mum has other pieces for you? Maybe your sister when your mum passes will share what she received?

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