To feel my DS is being selfish?

[bolshygirl]

So, here goes....myself and my sons have lived in the same council house for nearly 10 years. For a significant portion of that time I was on benefits due to their additional needs meaning I couldn't work.
In April this year I was served an eviction notice which kind of was my fault but wasn't....housing benefit cocked up a few times, so the not my fault, but as the judge said when I went to court to stop it the buck ended with me regardless of where the money was coming from.
Anyway, managed to keep my house by entering into an agreement (of my own making) to keep up with rent and clear arrears. At this point I was working full time, and between that and my older boys could service that and have luxuries such as...oh just food lighting and heating.
Anyway circumstances changed and I'm back in a similar position although with significantly lower arrears.

For brevity I have not gone into the finer details, but you can ask anything you like.

My eldest is refusing to pay digs until after the court date although it is almost certain we won't be evicted once I've stated my case. I sort of see his thinking, but I do feel disappointed in him.

So my question is this...

AIBU....he absolutely should look after himself and shouldn't have to be responsible for anyone else

AINBU....although his decision is pragmatic as it stinks of saving himself at the expense of the family (ie I can't pay other bills or do grocery shopping in the meantime so 3 other people suffer the consequences)

Sorry if the format is a bit weird first time posting on this thread

How old is he? If over 18 he should be working and contributing to rent and bills.

Whichever dc can help with their own living costs should have been doing so all along. Even at 16 my dc contributed from small pt jobs.. If he ain't helping he can leave... Maybe get a paying lodger to help out?

I’m not sure if I am just confused but what is the reason he won’t pay until after the court date? Is he not currently living in the property, eating food, having showers, watching TV etc?

How old is he? How much does he earn and how much do you want him to pay?

How old are your sons? Are they all working and contributing equal amounts towards rent and bills?

It sounds like your DS is convinced that you will be evicted and therefore doesn't feel the need to pay rent when you are all going to get thrown out?

What will he do if the court decides the only way they will stop your eviction is if he leaves? He's contributing to the problem. Amounting to an abusive relationship. Is he that arrogant to think he's untouchable and that can't happen? He's not on the tenancy agreement.

How old is he and is he still in full time education?

He's 20 and for extra context gad moved out and boomeranged back around this time last year

He has been contributing but reasons that if I don't get the right result he should feel free to keep money back in case he needs it if things don't go my way.. ive been given every reason to believe this is just a hoop I have to jump through

Hopefully I've covered most but when he was salaried he paid 350 per month, part of the reason I'm in this hole us he was laid off...to be fair to him he got a new job quite quickly but is now weekly paid, paying 80 pw all inclusive

So he doesn’t want to pay incase you all get evicted and he thinks he might need the money to get himself set up somewhere else?

They are 20 (the one I'm talking about) 19 whose paid employment has been hit and miss not through want of trying and started paying 75 per week since day one and has missed but only when he (frequently) has been temporarily unemployed, and then my youngest who turned 18 in July but hasn't had success and manually hands over 200 per month out of standard personal allowance UC and would give more if I asked....tbh I wouldn't let him pay this much if I was still working

Tell him to contribute to the roof over his head, or he can move out and pay for the other roof over his head. Those are his 2 options.

Does he realise he's making it harder for you to keep your home? Does he care?

Yes that's right and I kind off understand where his head is but I have never believed in, or brought my boys up to say "every man for himself"

Manually should read manfully

Can you not work now they are all adults?

For what it's worth, I can see why he'd want to save, but you're all living there now and he needs to pay for that.

Does he not realise though that if he is refusing to pay then debts will only build and then eviction becomes more and more likely?

I’d also query why he needs that £350 as assuming he works full time, even in min wage he should be coming home with £1300-1400 a month, so he should still be able to save a good chunk even after paying you.

Thinking back to my original post, when I said my situation changed it's because I was working full time in a reasonably good and well paid job but now am signed off long term sick and on UC

Try £550 minimum per week

Ah right, sorry to hear that. He needs to pay his share, or as others have said, eviction becomes more likely. The others are when they can, and he can.

Well there you go then, tell him if he isn’t going to contribute then he can leave now and find somewhere himself to finance.

I'm still interested in any further feedback, but I appreciate the responses so far which make me feel I'm not a .monster for thinking him selfish

Definitely not a monster.

How much do you pay?

So he was paying £350 a month when salaried?

And the other son gives you £200 per month?

How much of a deficit are you in each month? How much are the bills / rent each month?

Is this due to you being on long term sick? If so it sounds like you need more help than having to rely on them for the cash, what if they move out?

Do you buy all the food so he's getting that for free too? Obviously his siblings are contributing, but does he pay for food, Internet etc?