To feel my DS is being selfish?

[bolshygirl]

So, here goes....myself and my sons have lived in the same council house for nearly 10 years. For a significant portion of that time I was on benefits due to their additional needs meaning I couldn't work.
In April this year I was served an eviction notice which kind of was my fault but wasn't....housing benefit cocked up a few times, so the not my fault, but as the judge said when I went to court to stop it the buck ended with me regardless of where the money was coming from.
Anyway, managed to keep my house by entering into an agreement (of my own making) to keep up with rent and clear arrears. At this point I was working full time, and between that and my older boys could service that and have luxuries such as...oh just food lighting and heating.
Anyway circumstances changed and I'm back in a similar position although with significantly lower arrears.

For brevity I have not gone into the finer details, but you can ask anything you like.

My eldest is refusing to pay digs until after the court date although it is almost certain we won't be evicted once I've stated my case. I sort of see his thinking, but I do feel disappointed in him.

So my question is this...

AIBU....he absolutely should look after himself and shouldn't have to be responsible for anyone else

AINBU....although his decision is pragmatic as it stinks of saving himself at the expense of the family (ie I can't pay other bills or do grocery shopping in the meantime so 3 other people suffer the consequences)

Sorry if the format is a bit weird first time posting on this thread

This is a very odd reasoning, seeing as the rent arrears are payable whether you stay or get evicted.

How did you get in arrears when they were contributing?

And can you take in lodgers in a council house?

You would be doing your children a disservice in life’s lessons if you didn’t charge them.

I would charge each of them a percentage of their income.

If they don’t like it then they can move out into their own accommodation.

I mean you are cooking, cleaning, shopping for them and that is a luxury as a young adult!

Or total up your rent, council tax, food bill, gas and electric and share that by 4 people

As you don’t work you are not in a position to still subsidise their living costs!

Oh and stop falling behind on your rent to the extent court is required - it costs money to go back to court so I’m surprised the LA are taking you back for a reduced amount - especially since you claim you are now re-paying it back

It really is not ok to use your rent money as a long term interest free loan based on the knowledge they will take you to court and they’ll just up your rent by a few ££££ for a few years!

If you’ve got 4 adults living in a house why don’t you deduct the cost of rent because you said UC covers that for you then work out the cost of all monthly bills and arrears, including food and split it 4 ways?

Everything is sooo expensive now, I totally understand that it is really difficult to keep up with everything. Ppl replying obviously have not necessarily been in your position.
I now have my two youngest back at home from uni and the difference in bills is off the scales.
Alone I could probably get shopping for £30pw (veggie) but way over £100 with 2 extra adults, plus extra heating, lighting,water, coax toiletries cleaning products etc.
In my opinion yes they should all contribute, your son is getting a bargain living at home, my DD2 was paying £675 a month at uni for 1 room, DS2 was paying £480 a month for a room so they are happy to now contribute, I do basically everything in house but happily I am not moaning. I work full time so I am at a loss how you manage, a week to pay day and I have £2 in the bank and zero food left. Hope your son sees reason, otherwise I agree you should call his bluff and find cost of house shares for him in your area. Good luck 😉

RIP BOLSHY GIRL SUCH A SAD LOSS FLY HIGH ANGEL

Can you put your children 'on the rent book' as it used to be called? That way you are not solely responsible for the rent and if they are out of work they can claim some UC?

Yes, he is being selfish. You have given him a home and he was paying rent at a massively reduced rate compared with if he had to live elsewhere. If you all do get evicted there could be a lot of bitterness and resentment towards him, especially for his siblings knowing he had the means to help but didn't.

Sit him down and explain it to him. Ask him if one of his mates was withholding rent needed to help his family, what would he think of him?

Your story doesn't make sense, unless you're overly relying on your kids income and actually taking the piss out of them a bit.

You've been on benefits, you're now on UC. UC will only deduct a small amount from your housing element payment for non-dependants. Your kids should pay this, and contribute to bills, and buy their own food. Are you charging a fair mount, considering the help you get from UC for the rent? You can look on your payment statement to see how much their share of the rent is, from how much is deducted for them living there.

You want your kids to pay more than that, for the arrears? Were these arrears accumulated whilst they were working and earning? Were they not paying rent at the time? Or they were paying rent, and now you expect them to double pay the arrears because of your mismanagement?

I think there's more to the story of why he's now withholding payment. Perhaps he's utterly pissed off with your mismanagement of the rent, despite having these benefits to help you and you not working.

This.

So you’re on long-term sick, your son gets UC…

where has your ex been in all this? has he supported his dc financially at all in the past 20 years or has the state done it?

And what if the court decides that this is the 2nd time you've got into this situation and they are not prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt that it won’t happen again?

And who is paying for the court costs of all this? What a giant waste of time and money (possibly tax payers if it’s the council taking you to Court) because your son could help but doesn’t want to help

Original poster has sadly died she was an amazing mother and one time partner I know she would want people to continue answering in hope that your answers may help other parents R.I.P bolshygirl aka beth

She died no need for this now all 3 boys are fine family rallied round let's not speak ill of the dead

How sad, she can’t have been that old.

Tell him he's got 2 weeks to pay you the rent and the arrears or he needs to move out.

You don't get to stop paying rent because you think you might need to money for something else.

So sorry to hear this. I had no idea. May she rest in peace xx