To feel my DS is being selfish?

[bolshygirl]

So, here goes....myself and my sons have lived in the same council house for nearly 10 years. For a significant portion of that time I was on benefits due to their additional needs meaning I couldn't work.
In April this year I was served an eviction notice which kind of was my fault but wasn't....housing benefit cocked up a few times, so the not my fault, but as the judge said when I went to court to stop it the buck ended with me regardless of where the money was coming from.
Anyway, managed to keep my house by entering into an agreement (of my own making) to keep up with rent and clear arrears. At this point I was working full time, and between that and my older boys could service that and have luxuries such as...oh just food lighting and heating.
Anyway circumstances changed and I'm back in a similar position although with significantly lower arrears.

For brevity I have not gone into the finer details, but you can ask anything you like.

My eldest is refusing to pay digs until after the court date although it is almost certain we won't be evicted once I've stated my case. I sort of see his thinking, but I do feel disappointed in him.

So my question is this...

AIBU....he absolutely should look after himself and shouldn't have to be responsible for anyone else

AINBU....although his decision is pragmatic as it stinks of saving himself at the expense of the family (ie I can't pay other bills or do grocery shopping in the meantime so 3 other people suffer the consequences)

Sorry if the format is a bit weird first time posting on this thread

I think you should tell him he needs to get his own place and mean it, if not contributing to yours.

Although, and I mean this kindly, how are you so far off being able to afford your bills? Like others have said, if you’re relying on them to make ends meet, what happens when they move out?

He pays his way or moves out, he's being awful.

Time to get strict and save money on heating and water and food provision. He can do his laundry elsewhere!

Get your self an electric throw and thermals and turn the heating down lower to save money.

I don’t think you are selfish asking him, but I think a more compassionate approach that considers how he might be feeling might work better.

He is 20 but since he was at least 10, housing has been insecure. He’s left home, but boomeranged back which he probably felt was a failure to launch and would have been a homelessness situation. Luckily, he had you to go back to.

He is understandably terrified of being homeless again, but this time with no where to go, no safety net- because you’d be homeless too.

He sees that despite him contributing, you have still a managed to get into arrears, causing this new threat of homelessness to rear its head.

I can see why he feels a need to save his earnings as giving contributions still resulted in the threat of homelessness hanging over him again.

Can you talk with him adult to adult? And plan together instead of it being the option you prefer where he hands you money and you are 100% in charge of family finances? I think at 20, there should be more joint planning and transparency. I doubt he is saving just for himself, he is likely thinking he may need a big chunk to help all of you get a private rental. I wouldn’t assume he is being selfish so much as trying to have a bit of control over a situation he has no control over.

Perhaps he’d rather agree to doing every other weekly shop for groceries or taking over the gas&electric bill instead of handing you cash.

Can you look into food banks or other help as well?

He isn’t wrong to want savings for a Plan B if court doesn’t go the way you think it will.

Does your son actually realise that you are not obliged to house him at all? Any child of mine who behaved like that would be looking for other accommodation, irrespective of what happened at court.

Did you get into arrears when he has been contributing? Does he think that you've been irresponsible with money and are now looking to him and his siblings to get you out of a hole? Because he does need to pay his fair share but can see why he is concerned with protecting himself.

OP i think what's really worrying about this situation is it sounds like you are hugely reliant on the income from your sons in order to be able to service essential bills like rent.
Long term, even if you avoid eviction at this time, at some point your boys are likely to move out?
Is there any possibility that your health problems may improve with treatment and you might be able to return to work at some point?

My Uc covers rent but not the arrears, and standard single person allowance (around 370 per month I think) for this you think I should pay electric, council task and feed a family of 4 without them pitching in? Please give me your accountants number, I clearly have a lot to learn...oh. sorry. Quick question what is your monthly council tax and utilities and what size of household?

When they move out I won't be feeding a family of 4 who can't turn lights out, in fact, I would be entitled to getting lodgers who at very least wouldn't leave a tornado from the from the front door to their room and would leave the kitchen an loo the way they found it

I am not reliant on them for any reason other than they live under my roof and have access to all that entails plus food

I've been thinking along the same lines the last hour or so...call his bluff and say if you don't want to pay digs go and pay £60per night at a shitty place that might not even be convenient for work and will not give him the amenities he gets here, or shape up and pitch in ....did I mention he's always paid digs in arrears

What's the betting he doesn't help with cleaning either.

With respect, please go back and read my post properly....first fact I stated was that we have lived in the same house for nearly 10 years...if you're going to comment know your facts

If he doesn’t want to pay digs to you, perhaps he can move out and you can ask for somewhere smaller? I don’t expect he’s like that!

I am here to ask for your opinions and advice, but please please read at least me OP before commenting as I feel there's a lot of miscommunication going on
....could it be you've skimmed? If you can't find the time to read properly you probably shouldn't take the time to comment

I think if you go to court and they see that there are 4 adults living inthe property, two of whom are currently working they will query why they are not covering the rent between them. I don't think you'll have much of a leg to stand on to be honest unless your eldest son is not registered as living with you?

Thankyou for your feedback, another who doesn't or can't be bothered to read

Why are you being so rude to posters ?

People are offering advice, your posts are not entirely clear, you have said to ask anything and when people do you're jumping down their throats.

I thought sons 1 and 2 were working now, although son 2 had been in and out of work. That's how it read. With you and the youngest not working.

No. Just no.

He contributes or he moves out.

Where does he think the money comes from to pay the electric bill, for example, when he plugs his phone in to charge or has a shower or turns the kettle on?

He's an adult. He must start acting like one.

By 20, both of my DS had their own homes. I was married with a mortgage a few days after my 21st. Eldest DS is 25 now, youngest is 24. And no, we're not rich, I didn't give them money and there is no inheritance involved. I'm disabled, unable to work and on benefits.

Give him an ultimatum and a timescale.

And stick to it.

Good luck!

So you have a household of 4 adults who don't work / barely work / on benefits ...?

If you can't afford the house by your own means then you need to downsize to a 1 bed and your kids need to start behaving like adults and get their own jobs and homes

I'm assuming you're getting housing element of UC and that they're making deductions for what two other adults living in the house should contribute? If so going forward your DSs need to pay this amount to top up your rent. No negotiation because you're losing the money because they live there. As for the current problem, I'd not talk in terms of selfishness, I'd be talking in terms of self interest. If you all get evicted there is no way they could live independently for what they're paying at home so will be much worse off it they don't help to avoid the eviction. You have more chance of avoiding it if you can show you're not building any more arrears while waiting for the court date and that you're in receipt of your benefits now and the other adults are paying their way.

Can you afford for him to move out OP?

@bolshygirl to me the arrears are owed as a family because of various circumstances changing.

im guessing he pays you the money not the council. Therefore he’s renting from you. Not the council. Regardless of how he feels he has to set aside that money and pay you for the time being. If things don’t go well you will have time to save and seek alternative accommodation.

if mine wasn’t paying me money owed and working as a family towards arrears (which would leave you in the lurch financially) then I’d be telling him that he has to be out within a week.

You are the leader of this home. Put your foot down.

To me, you sound like a nightmare who repeatedly gets into arrears on a subsidised house anyway, and you are moaning about your son going the same way. Fix up yourself would be my advice. It is no one's job to save you from taking responsibility for yourself.

I'd be concerned that if he and he others move out, how will you pay the rent? I guess you could get lodgers, but it feels like either he's not paying you and costing you money, or if he moved out he'd still not be paying you but at least you could seek to rent out his room. Tell him you need rent for the room and can get it from him or someone else. It's his choice.