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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex taking daughter to new accomodation

53 replies

Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 06:51

Long so apologies, so childs father moved out 6 months ago, our DD is 6. Ex moved into his female cousins home 22 miles away(renting a spare bedroom) she has 3 children of her own, and her brother is also currently living there.

Our daughter is autistic so the set up since him leaving has been he sees her mid week after school until bedtime, and has her Friday overnight until Saturday 3pm. All at my home to keep it easier for DD, when he's there I go to a family or friends. This is all he's willing to do as he's upped his shifts to earn more. Daughter has adjusted better than I anticipated though does still get upset sometimes.

2 weeks after leaving our home ex announced he had a girlfriend from a SE asain country who he would be visiting in November for 3 weeks. He's also told me they plan to marry very soon to get her a spousal visa to move here.

Fast forward to last week he tells me his new GF isn't comfortable with us being under the same roof, him seeing DD at ours. Ex doesn't drive. He's now proposed taking DD from mine on a Friday in a taxi to his room 22 miles away and bringing her back the Saturday. He has said his cousins children are not there weekends as theyre at their fathers. Multiple issues with this, the travelling will be overwhelming for DD, gets travel sick and anxious in cars. She has slept out twice in her life as she struggles in a new environment so sleep will be an issue. Where they live is on a busy road near a city centre, somewhere our DD will not be able to go out for walks. Lastly ex has shown in the last 6 months little interest in our DD when he's with her, he is glued to his phone like a teenager, to the point DD has told me daddy is always on his phone, she craves his attention.

I'm concerned, I've told him my concerns and he simply thinks I'm being awkward on purpose. Absolutely nothing to do with thinking about the effect on our DD apparently. I know legally speaking he's her father & does have the right to take her, but morally..

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Holidaysarecomingocthalfterm · 25/10/2024 06:54

Sounds like DD wants more attention/time with him. I don’t think he is being unreasonable in wanting this. Perhaps send him a message to remind him of travel sickness and ask if he can send photos of where she will be staying in advance so you can show her.

coffeesaveslives · 25/10/2024 06:58

I'm not sure it's unreasonable for him to take his child to his own place.

GreyCarpet · 25/10/2024 07:08

To what extent do you genuinely think this is a bad move for your daughter and to what extent are you a bit (understandably) pissed off that this change is being dictated by a new girlfriend?

DeepRoseFish · 25/10/2024 07:09

I would be very concerned about overnights if I were you. Your daughter is vulnerable and you do not know these children or the brother.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 25/10/2024 07:09

I wonder whether it might be a case of short term pain for long term gain? Let him take her; I strongly suspect he’ll only do it the once.

How is this whole gf/wife thing going to work out if he’s living in his sister’s spare room? Will she be moving in there with him? If she gets a visa, I’d be prepared for a significant drop in contact. He’s known her two minutes and he’s already putting her before his child?Has he even met her in person? Proper ‘Father of the Year’ material there.

Original poster
Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 07:11

coffeesaveslives · 25/10/2024 06:58

I'm not sure it's unreasonable for him to take his child to his own place.

Not quite as simple as that though is it. She's autistic and the place isn't his place, he has a room. Unless you have an autistic child it's very hard to understand what comes with it, every day is regimented to keeping her routine, the simplest things can cause huge problems.

So I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable in questioning the travel/accomodation/change

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 25/10/2024 07:13

DeepRoseFish · 25/10/2024 07:09

I would be very concerned about overnights if I were you. Your daughter is vulnerable and you do not know these children or the brother.

She doesn't need to know them but her father does and judges them safe to be around his DD, they are his family, not sure how I'd feel if my ex decided.to dictate who he felt I could have around my children

DoreenonTill8 · 25/10/2024 07:15

Is he saving for his own place? Is that why he's working so much?
I would give him benefit of doubt in that he'd paying I imagine a considerable sum for a taxi of 22 miles.
At some point he likely will get his own place and look to increase contact so this is a positive perhaps? Slow exposure?

Original poster
Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 07:16

To provide some clarity no he has never met this girl in person, they video call daily and have done for months. He is planning to get accommodation before she moves here as visa will require it.
Yes I think he is ridiculous for changing his set up with DD to one that will be very challenging to satisfy this girls worries.
But my concerns are always for my daughter, ive done nothing but encourage a good relationship even when he's been the most useless dad.

I'd want nothing more than her to have a stable loving dad with her best interests at heart. But sadly I cannot change who he is, all I can do is my best for her.

I am thinking to say they can do it as a one off sleepover and see how it goes, but it's against all of my gut instincts. So hard to be a mum!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/10/2024 07:16

I suspect he will do this once and then won't want to cope with your DD's overwhelm.

Longer term it sounds like he will drop out of her life Sad

Whyherewego · 25/10/2024 07:16

It is a hard question to answer. So you're not being unreasonable on one level and I get the point about austism but it's not realistic for him to stay at yours every friday night until DD is 18.
So rather than saying no try laying out the conditions for this to work. Suggest to him that he starts by taking DD for the day to sisters house and allowing her to see the bedroom etc and get used to it. He can then trial the car journey too and see how that works out. Suggest he does that for 2 or 3 Saturdays and then see how DD is for an overnight.

Yes it may be difficult for DD but she may be OK and she may enjoy a different house with different toys or whatever. He may act differently when he's with his sister and be less on phone? Ultimately he's entitled to have her and he does not have to have access at yours so you'll need to meet him halfway on this

Mindymomo · 25/10/2024 07:16

I would be extremely unhappy that a new gf from another country is dictating to your ex what he can and cannot do. What will be next, her not being happy with him spending x amount on taxi fares each week or spending his weekends with your DD. Maybe he should, at first, actually see what DD is like travelling first, perhaps a few short taxi journeys and then build up to her staying at his place. Do you think he can manage DD on his own in new surroundings, you have to ask him if he’s prepared for her becoming upset.

Original poster
Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 07:20

RandomMess · 25/10/2024 07:16

I suspect he will do this once and then won't want to cope with your DD's overwhelm.

Longer term it sounds like he will drop out of her life Sad

My family have tried to prepare me for this. Time will tell I guess

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 25/10/2024 07:21

Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 07:11

Not quite as simple as that though is it. She's autistic and the place isn't his place, he has a room. Unless you have an autistic child it's very hard to understand what comes with it, every day is regimented to keeping her routine, the simplest things can cause huge problems.

So I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable in questioning the travel/accomodation/change

Show quote history

How she would cope with the change was going to be my next question.

I think, in your shoes, I'd be advocating for your daughter and say that the household set up would be too much for her.

People she's unfamiliar with; 3 other children; no space of her own. It's a recipe for disaster. I also suspect he'd only do it the once.

The reason is asked about your feelings is because, if he gets his own place with the new girlfriend at some point, then it might be more reasonable for him to have his daughter there in future. And I'd put it to him like that.

Tbh, I would be pissed off if my child's routine was expected to be disrupted to this degree for the sake of a new girlfriend. But, in the long term and with more suitable accommodation, I don't think it's unreasonable for it to be introduced slowly and with your child's needs in mind in the future.

Original poster
Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 07:23

Whyherewego · 25/10/2024 07:16

It is a hard question to answer. So you're not being unreasonable on one level and I get the point about austism but it's not realistic for him to stay at yours every friday night until DD is 18.
So rather than saying no try laying out the conditions for this to work. Suggest to him that he starts by taking DD for the day to sisters house and allowing her to see the bedroom etc and get used to it. He can then trial the car journey too and see how that works out. Suggest he does that for 2 or 3 Saturdays and then see how DD is for an overnight.

Yes it may be difficult for DD but she may be OK and she may enjoy a different house with different toys or whatever. He may act differently when he's with his sister and be less on phone? Ultimately he's entitled to have her and he does not have to have access at yours so you'll need to meet him halfway on this

This is my thinking. The plan was once he got his own accommodation he would make it her second home and we would slowly introduce it to her so she could have overnight stays. Now I'm not so sure what he's planning. But yes, I cannot physically stop him so instead attempting to meet half way on this

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 25/10/2024 07:23

To provide some clarity no he has never met this girl in person, they video call daily and have done for months

God, what an idiot.

coffeesaveslives · 25/10/2024 07:32

@Claire2361 I'm autistic myself so I totally get it, but he's her father and unless you have genuine safety concerns, he's allowed to take her to his home or the place he's currently living if that's what he wants to do.

User364837 · 25/10/2024 07:36

Can she go there for the day first?
can you be on hand to collect the the first overnight if it goes terribly wrong?

I think try to work together with him on this to see if it can be managed and built up to,

it would also presumably be nice for you not to have to vacate your house every weekend!

Original poster
Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 07:39

coffeesaveslives · 25/10/2024 07:32

@Claire2361 I'm autistic myself so I totally get it, but he's her father and unless you have genuine safety concerns, he's allowed to take her to his home or the place he's currently living if that's what he wants to do.

Of course yes he's allowed to legally, but as a parent of an autistic child you do what's best for them & their needs. Our DD has many sensory issues, a genetic condition and a developmental delay. Safety concerns aren't the only concern, causing meltdowns and heightening her anxiety are too.

I will be trying to meet him half way on this, as others have said it might not last, or he might decide he isn't having her overnight at all in future. As the main care giver there's little much I can do about any of it except keep her day to day as stress free as possible!

OP posts:
Original poster
Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 07:40

User364837 · 25/10/2024 07:36

Can she go there for the day first?
can you be on hand to collect the the first overnight if it goes terribly wrong?

I think try to work together with him on this to see if it can be managed and built up to,

it would also presumably be nice for you not to have to vacate your house every weekend!

Yes, it's been very hard for me to have him in my space and I've had to suck it up for her to keep a bond with him, I'd love the home to myself for an evening! I'd just like to not be worrying endlessly whilst she's gone :-/

OP posts:
NC10125 · 25/10/2024 07:47

I think I would follow pp's suggestions of trying to encourage him to do it by steps.

Maybe he does the taxi and dinner, she comes back to yours for the night, then he picks her up on Saturday morning to go do something? Maybe the next week she stays but he drops her back first thing Saturday?

I would also ask him the question "If this is too overwhelming for her and then she refuses to come, what are we going to do?"

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 25/10/2024 07:54

@Claire2361 he will soon realise that he cannot continue to pay for a taxi travelling that distance and back every fortnight!!

Original poster
Claire2361 · 25/10/2024 08:09

I told him the financial aspect is ridiculous but he's willing to do it to solve his problem. I said if it doesn't work, she's upset or has concerns then what?
He said we will carry on as we were before..

OP posts:
Snoken · 25/10/2024 08:12

Is there an inexpensive hotel near you they could stay in that one night per week? Might not be much more than a taxi to and from his home.

Snoken · 25/10/2024 08:13

Also, forgot to say. He sounds insufferably selfish and uncaring.