Ex taking daughter to new accomodation

[Claire2361]

Long so apologies, so childs father moved out 6 months ago, our DD is 6. Ex moved into his female cousins home 22 miles away(renting a spare bedroom) she has 3 children of her own, and her brother is also currently living there.

Our daughter is autistic so the set up since him leaving has been he sees her mid week after school until bedtime, and has her Friday overnight until Saturday 3pm. All at my home to keep it easier for DD, when he's there I go to a family or friends. This is all he's willing to do as he's upped his shifts to earn more. Daughter has adjusted better than I anticipated though does still get upset sometimes.

2 weeks after leaving our home ex announced he had a girlfriend from a SE asain country who he would be visiting in November for 3 weeks. He's also told me they plan to marry very soon to get her a spousal visa to move here.

Fast forward to last week he tells me his new GF isn't comfortable with us being under the same roof, him seeing DD at ours. Ex doesn't drive. He's now proposed taking DD from mine on a Friday in a taxi to his room 22 miles away and bringing her back the Saturday. He has said his cousins children are not there weekends as theyre at their fathers. Multiple issues with this, the travelling will be overwhelming for DD, gets travel sick and anxious in cars. She has slept out twice in her life as she struggles in a new environment so sleep will be an issue. Where they live is on a busy road near a city centre, somewhere our DD will not be able to go out for walks. Lastly ex has shown in the last 6 months little interest in our DD when he's with her, he is glued to his phone like a teenager, to the point DD has told me daddy is always on his phone, she craves his attention.

I'm concerned, I've told him my concerns and he simply thinks I'm being awkward on purpose. Absolutely nothing to do with thinking about the effect on our DD apparently. I know legally speaking he's her father & does have the right to take her, but morally..

Am I being unreasonable?

Didn't think of that actually, worth looking at as an option thanks

Well it was only a matter of time wasnt it? Did neither of you consider that once he got a new partner they might be uncomfortable with it

Yes I certainly did foresee it, although this new partner he's never actually met.

If I were to meet someone, I'd explain the situation and our daughters needs if they were uncomfortable with anything then they'd have the option to go. I would always put her first

Definitely try it. Prepare your DD in advance and be positive about it. If she has a huge meltdown I think the issue will be settled without you saying anything. If not then that's great. Always always encourage fathers who want to see their children. The story about his virtual gf is weird though. He might be catfished in order for her to get a visa but not your problem...

We don't sleep in the same house, I leave my home and stay elsewhere. Id understand if we were tops and tailing!

They video call everyday she's definitely who she says she is. Although 10 years younger. A poor country and needs prospects, I understand her reasonings for wanting to come here for a visa, him on the other hand the mind boggles it truly does!
Anyway he's going to meet her for 3 weeks soon, another big stress for our DDs routine, let's hope he is actually back for her Christmas!

Sounds a good idea to look for somewhere nearby.

He can obviously get to yours OK!

Plus you shouldn't have to keep moving out.

It doesn't bode well that he is so "under the thumb" of someone he hasn't even met!

I don’t think it’s a bad idea for him on his time to take your daughter to stay where he lives but appropriate things need to be put in place for her so she can be happy and settled there. It also sounds like he needs to engage with her more.

Longterm what were the plans going to be for contact? I don’t think it’s fair on you to have to leave your home to facilitate his contact time. Honestly, most people would get sick of that arrangement at some point. And I do understand it’s for your daughter’s sake but it’s still your home and he’s your ex for a reason. I’d be a bit at his decision to make changes that put himself out only because his shiny new girlfriend isn’t happy with the set up and not seem to consider his child’s needs.

@Claire2361 , my dropped out of my dd.s life completely when he got a new girlfriend from America. She is such a truly awful person it was a relief to be honest .

I think he will struggle to get a spousal visa for someone he has never met. Also, if he does I think he will have to pay to sponsor her here. Hopefully that will not impact on you and your DD?

Yes I've tried to tell him all this. He's working all the hours godsends including night shifts to meet the salary cap requirements etc, I can't see his plans working, if they do with not much room for our DD. He also has another child from previous relationship who's a teenager.

It's really not easy to obtain that visa, but I'll give it to him he's really bloody determined!

Staying locally would be a better an option though it would still be a new environment each time.

Have neither of you any extend family nearby where he and your DD could stay?

It's ridiculous, why does this woman even know where he stays. He could just say he stays elsewhere tbh and then change things once he has sorted out a more permanent place to live.

It's honestly been so difficult on me mentally, he's put us through so much so having to let him share my home and him being glued to the phone, even on video calls to this girl and allowing DD on video calls has been infuriating. So I do desperately want the home to myself I just wish it was under different circumstances

Exactly what i said, I don't encourage lying but he's got form for it so what harm would it be to say he stays elsewhere for goodness sake! The whole thing is very child like & nauseating, but he's her dad and I have to let it be

I think he's having a mid life crisis tbh :-/ dreading the smack back down to reality.

No family nearby who could accommodate unfortunately

Is it possible as the parents you can make the arrangements without the new gf adding to the mix?
I would lightly say leave him to take her and see how it goes.
I think the dad will need to work out how to make it work for your daughter and himself.
The new gf probably will not last long, its not worth focusing on, only on your child.
Let the Dad know if it really is stressful for your child to bring her home.
You have to relax and let him work out how he will keep all these woman in his life happy!.

The current situation is not realistic long term so you need to accept that she will be staying at his and help prepare her for it

The financial threshold for a spousal visa goes up to over £38k next year and if they've not met in person yet, they won't be getting one before that, especially as he doesn't even have his own place to prove (lie) they live together and pay joint utilities etc.

His increased earnings will increase his CMS payments for his daughter at least, new girlfriend won't be happy about that either no doubt.

I'd let him take DD overnight and let him deal with it. She won't be in any danger. She will recover. He will probably contact you before she actually does have a meltdown because he won't know how to handle any change of behaviour and will realise he can't just change things to suit new girlfriend.

I've told him I will meet him halfway, as long as he has what she needs there & is safe, if problems arise or she's coming home after a few weeks upset or distressed about anything we need to discuss it as adults. So we're trialling it next week!

I will put it to her in a nice fun way, as i always do, luckily she can be quite open with me so I do believe she'd let me know in her own way if there's any concerns.

Obviously our set up isn't conventional, but with a child with additional needs you have to think outside the box sometimes and do things that aren't necessarily comfortable, it was never supposed to be long term as he was supposed to be saving for a place of his own. Instead he's spending on travelling to Asai obtaining a visa and bloody sunbeds!

Fingers crossed

I’d get a letter from the consultant psychologist that diagnosed your DD (or the office that has the records) stating clearly what your DD’s needs are due to her autism. I would then if need be, get a court order to prevent overnight stays until the needs in the consultant letter are met. Needs can be her own private bedroom, the ability to call you and leave whenever she feels overwhelm, and ability to refuse a visit to dad if she isn’t up to socialising with him & new girlfriend.

I will put it to her in a nice fun way, as i always do, luckily she can be quite open with me so I do believe she'd let me know in her own way if there's any concerns.

Be careful with this. If you consistently sell things that you know she will find uncomfortable and a challenge as “fun” she will end up not trusting your judgement even if she does feel free to tell you it wasn’t fun or pleasant at all.

Have thought of this if it comes to it. I have her EHCP and psychologist reports that state her needs

Thanks for this, I have thought this too. It's hard

I will let her know there is no pressure and anything she is uncomfortable with she can tell us. It's trying to get the mix of not putting her off but letting her know also its Ok if its too much

This is a man who is going to marry a woman he hasn't even met yet. I wouldn't particularly respect his judgement. He doesn't even engage with his daughter when she is with him as she has told her mum that he is always on his phone. I can see why OP is concerned.