Fiancé texts me lists of jobs to do.

[Croo]

My fiancé and I share a 1 year old baby. He works full time, I work part time on an online business. My hours vary, anything from 4 to 8 hours a day. Essentially, I work whenever baby is napping or sleeping. In between working, I’m of course looking after our baby. I think juggling work and baby makes things more difficult as other things, like housework, end up being down the priority list. Some evenings I don’t stop until 9pm or 10pm, and I just want to relax to go to sleep.

Our relationship has become increasingly strained, and I feel constantly criticised by him. He rarely has a positive word to say about me, my parenting, it feels like almost constant critique. One thing he does is text me lists of jobs most mornings, not ‘would you mind doing this today’ just a list of half a dozen (sometimes more) things he wants me to get done. Organising drawers, washing clothes, admin around the house, that sort of thing. So the first thing I wake up to and read in the morning is his list. If I don’t get through the list, there will be some sort of dig or criticism later down the line, or he will say how much more time I have compared to him. On the rare occasion he has our baby for the day, he will make an example of how much he managed to get done whilst also looking after the baby, often quite smugly.

He also criticises the way I deal with the baby at night, often moaning that the baby has kept him up for ages so he might as well do it. I’ve tried my best, but sometimes the only way the baby will settle is if I cuddle them for hours, and some nights I just don’t have that in me so will instead do a routine of shushing and patting, which he criticises as saying I’ve left the baby distressed and that he comforts baby properly when he does it. I’ve told him that that’s fine, he can do it himself, and he’s now decided he’s not going to sleep in bed with me tonight.

Is everyone’s relationship like this when they’ve got a baby? I feel so tired and fed up and like I can’t do anything right! I feel he doesn’t appreciate the toll it takes, being a full time mum and also running an online business, plus general life things. I don’t even have time for self care, like doing my makeup, which I used to love. If I have a ‘lie in’ - basically anything after 7am - I get told I’ve woken up too late and should be getting up earlier to complete the chores or things that need to be done. Believe it or not, we used to have a great relationship.

He sounds like the IDEAL person to be planning to be spending the rest of your life with.

Thoughtful, considerate, respectful, loving ...

No, seriously, OP, he needs a bloody good talking to.

Can you honestly not see all the red flags about his abusive behaviour. He doesn't respect you and he doesn't sound like he even likes you.

It's common for abuse to start during or after pregnancy and he seems to be following that script.

My advice would be to ditch him because I don't believe he'll change, he may disguise his behaviour for a while until he thinks he has you where he wants you then his mask will slip.

Your life will be a lot less stressful without him.

You think you've got a partner. He thinks he's got a nanny come housekeeper.
Have you tried texting him a list of jobs for him to do on his day off?
Was he like this before baby arrived?

What on earth or you doing tolerating this bullshit from him?
Dump him.

This is never going to end well.

Working part time is not a good strategy. You do not want to be dependent on this abusive man. He does not respect you and chances are this is only going to get worse. People - especially men - don't change.

Get rid of him. Work full time and focus in career progression. You'll have to work harder, but your mental load will be lighter.

One thing he does is text me lists of jobs most mornings, not ‘would you mind doing this today’ just a list of half a dozen (sometimes more) things he wants me to get done

The only response to a text like this, (without even so much as a would you mind), is "fuck off".

If you want to expand a little, then "I'm not a fucking domestic appliance, so fuck off"

And please don't marry the prick.

When you get this list in the morning, just use one of these as your reply and ignore messages for the rest of the day

He’s a twat.

You know it. I know it.

Tell him to sort himself out.

Get some quotes from local childcare providers about full time hours.
State your wish to work full time.
Ask him for 50% of house work division and 50% of the cost of childcare.
Also agree with those saying you need to be absent more to allow him to build a great attachment to his child.
Where is the time for you?
Edited to say I think he has absolutely no concept of what the time cost of a raising a baby is.

Tell him to stick his list up his arse.

OP, this is such awful behaviour. Are there not other people in your life who you tell about this? No one in their right mind can think it's ok.

I know it's easier said than done to just say leave. Please just get things in order financially so you are not trapped in it. If you have no power here you're stuck with it. He'll only get worse.

If I could, I'd send him my own text beginning with C and ending in T.

Oh god,this was my ex.Get rid he’s awful and he will destroy you if you let him look after yourself and your baby x

It's normal for it to be a bit strained at times with a baby. It's not normal to have someone smugly thinking they're doing an amazing job and their partner is useless in comparison.

It's hard work. You don't get to judge how others do it, especially if you only do the juggle every so often while they have to do it everyday. I'd tell him straight up he's being smug and overly critical and you're doing the best you can. If he doesn't like it, he can go part-time or just do more is his time off.

No one organises drawers when they have a baby if also working. You just drop your standards for a couple of years.

Hello. I’m sorry but I don’t think this is normal behaviour. I think often couples can get a bit grumpy with each due to lack of sleep and just trying to work out parenting but texting you lists of jobs and constantly criticising you is really not ok. The behaviour seems to me unkind and controlling. Your child is only 1 years old and yet you are running an online business, looking after the baby and trying to do whatever else you can. He seems to lack any kind of understanding of what you do or empathy. Instead of supporting you, he is undermining you at a time you no doubt feel stretched and vulnerable. He should be the person you can lean on, who comes home with your favourite takeaway or insists you have a proper lie on the weekend. The list thing is weird and to be honest makes me feel very uncomfortable for you. Why does he think he can tell you what you have to do in your day? And then criticise you for not completing his list? And when you raise something he shuts you down. This just doesn’t seem healthy to me at all and is way beyond being a little grumpy because of lack of sleep on his part.

Is this meant to be funny?
If not NO, not normal.
Usually partners are helpful and not cruel

All of the above and it's time to get practical. It doesn't necessarily follow he is a bad person, but he and you clearly have different priorites at the moment and there needs to be better mutual communication. He might be task orientated, and you might be more creative

1. Make sure your contraception is foolproof until you sort out the following.
2. Have a plan to be able to be financially secure from him outside of child expenses. This means making a spreadsheet of your income, joint expenses and your own expenses. Once you see the money situation you will be able to see things a bit clearer.
3. Work on your self-esteem. He is behaving as if he is a manager/parent, and you are the employee/child. You are a grown up and have the skills and knowledge to be able prioritise your tasks and management of your family home without his instruction. If he has a need that is not being fulfilled i.e. clean shirts for work, he can do it himself or outsource. You are looking after an infant that requires constant attention, and you are bringing an income, and you sound like a majority of the domestic chores are down to you. Thats at least 2 FTE jobs you are doing.

You get The List

You send back
"Given that you have decided that you are the best person in the world and I am shit, I say do it yourself, twat"

Have you tried texting back "fuck off"?

Fatherhood has enabled him to show his true colours. Run a mile! Your baby deserves to have a father and role model who respects and appreciates their partner. Please leave him and model healthy adult relations.

And yes my husband would never text a demanding to do list and behave badly afterwards. My DH might say ‘is there any chance you could post x today if you’re passing the post office’ and I’ll say if it’s practical for me or not. If I can’t it doesn’t matter, he will happily go to the post office himself.

Your fiancé is a dick.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you didn't tell him this the first time you received a list of jobs via text, and now it's become his normal.

Sit him down and ask him would he rather continue sending those messages, or continue living with you and baby.

The audacity.

This sounds mad controlling imo
By filling your day up with tasks and looking after the baby and you work, you have zero time to get out or do anything for yourself. Let alone socialise or meet other mums. BTW did he work when he looks after the baby and does all these tasks. I was doing this kind of thing when I had post natal anxiety, obsessively tidying the house and spending hours listing on eBay and looking after the baby, it left me an isolated shell of myself, with zero mum mates. Please go to couples counselling or just get rid. This is abusive.

What is the usual division of chores OP? How long is he out of the house and what does he do when he gets home?

I would tell him I am sick and tired of his lists and you want to sit down and work out a fair rota for chores. Someone has got to do them and yes, if you are at home more, you may end up doing a bit extra but the snide remarks if you don’t get time are uncalled for.

Can you have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week?

I edited the to do list, you are welcome:

He is a controlling sadistic dick. Don't marry him.