To feel confused and hurt by a close friend’s hot and cold behaviour?

[TealDreamer]

I’ve been close friends with a friend called Sandra for a couple of years now, and I’m feeling really confused and hurt by her recent behaviour. We have a great time together when we meet up. But then, out of the blue, she’ll stop replying to my texts and calls for weeks or even months, only to come back later with apologies and no explanation.

This has happened several times this year, and while I don’t want to keep chasing her, it’s making me question whether the friendship is really as meaningful to her as it seems when we’re together.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of hot and cold friendship? How did you deal with it, and did you ever resolve things?

I would would just fade out and not bother. She isn't going to change.

One explanation could be mental health problems like anxiety, depression?

I have a friend like this, sometimes won’t read texts for weeks/months as she has many dramas in her life and doesn’t really tell anyone until the drama is over. I only put up with it as she’s my oldest friend and she’s been like this for years, she’s unlikely to change now. But I wouldn’t put up with it from anyone else. Have you spoken to your friend to find out why she keeps disappearing?

I wonder if you text too much?

Do you get enough out of it that it's worth it? I have friends I don't text or call. We randomly meet up every so often, have a great time, it's worth it.

I don't really like texting and calling though.

Sounds like that’s just who she is - she prefers communicating through the meet ups rather than messaging and phonecalls. It’s not about you and what she thinks of you. She’s unlikely to change, either reconcile yourself to it or fade out.

I don’t really keep in touch with many people but when I see them it’s great, I’m more of a bond in person type of person and am crap at communicating and find it really draining to message people to stay in touch, I’d rather just catch up in person - maybe they’re like this too?

What do you mean by “whether the friendship is really as meaningful to her as it seems when we’re together”? Does she give the impression she relies on the friendship when you’re together? Or is she a fair weather friend, happy to respond when you’re in a good place and able to support her, but goes silent when you are, in some way, asking for her to centre you a bit? If that’s the case then that sounds quite flakey and a bit false of her. You can either drop her or just stop thinking of the friendship as being as close as you previously did and don’t put as much into it, emotionally or time wise.

But I have quite a few really good friendships, a lot of them decades old, where we are sporadic. My life is busy (as are many of these friends’) and I can’t keep up with all of them all the time. So most of my friendships are either low key or sporadic. The friendships are still meaningful, and important to me. If my friends need me, I’m there for them. But we don’t all have the bandwidth to be keeping up every few days with everyone we’re good friends with, so often one of us is slow to respond, or means to respond and then forgets and it goes a few months before we pick things back up. But we pick up where we left off and we’re responsive if it’s anything “big”. If that’s what it is and it doesn’t work for you, then dropping her is best. She probably can’t just make more time for you without something else suffering. But if you can accept it, then you get to keep the friend and have the good times the friendship provides.

Well, I understand that people have different views but personally, if I had a friend that took months to reply to a message, I’d see that as more of a penpal situation than a friend and, although I totally understand that people have important things in their lives that would come first, I would eventually just give up and take it that the person wished for me to leave them alone because I wasn’t at all important to them.

I have done this before because no matter how busy your life is it doesn’t take long to reply saying hello and explaining you’re busy or whatever and will catch up soon rather than completely ignoring someone for weeks/months on end.

She sounds like she uses you when it suits her then can’t be bothered after. Have you asked her, tactfully, why she does this and how it can make you feel a bit snubbed? I know people’s lives don’t revolve around friends, but it is hurtful because you feel as if your presence annoys them.

I have even stopped texting my existing friends first because of this experience. I always tell them to message me first so I know that they are free to chat and I’m not disturbing them! They tell me not to worry but I still have hang ups about it, and I don’t bombard people either, I never have.

If it makes you feel bad, then I’d definitely tell her and if it continues to happen and you cant accept it, then this isn’t a friendship dynamic for you

Yes! I have a friend exactly like this. I did speak to her directly and I told her how I felt, and she apologised and understood but then continued as before.

Whilst I accept it’s not everyone’s chosen communication, it is 2024 and not replying for months is very rude.

Stop contacting her, stop arranging anything. Downgrade the friendship to an acquaintance, and choose to spend time with friends that make you feel valued and cared for.

I find this behaviour selfish and rude, it takes 5 seconds to reply to a text. Everyone has some time in the week to make a small effort if they care enough about their friends. All of my other friends manage it, and they are much busier than her!

Whilst no friendship should feel demanding or difficult- a simple reply is neither of those things.

To me, this is not a friendship at all. It’s just a sporadic meeting of mutual convenience. I doubt this friend has any ‘‘real’ friends or connections with others. It will lead to loneliness once her children have left home and there is no social life or real friends to turn to.

Save your time and energy for real friends is my best advice. Life is too short to feel disrespected and ignored!

If you've only known her for two years and she goes 'for months' without replying just how close a friendship do you consider this is?
I agree with others, maybe she doesn't want to text/phone frequently but enjoys a face to face meet up. You sound a bit pushy ... I have a couple of what I consider 'good friends' ... we've known each other since nursery school but we don't phone & message all the time .. probably only meet up 2-3 times a year but have a great time when we do.
Different people have different communication styles ... you need to decide what's important for you .. either accept the way your friend is or if you really don't like her communication style fade out the friendship.

I have friendship circles like this too, but they are very different to one to one friendships. I would also like to think any of them would reply if I messaged them! In fact I know they would.

Group meet ups 2/3 times a year are going to require much less communication of course, they tend to develop organically and everyone joins in when they can, having built separate lives and friends outside of the group.

They are not close friends or pretending to be. It’s a completely different dynamic and very loosely friends, they are not the friends you would turn to with a 3am emergency. Just old acquaintances to keep in contact with every now and then.

Saving - I don't entirely agree with you but I think that shows how we all view friendships differently. My long term friends have supported me through difficult times .. serious illness, bereavements, relationship problems etc but we still don't feel the need to text/message continuously. (And obviously I have supported them as well).

People have different ideas of what 'friendship' means and that's why it's important to make sure you are happy with the 'communication style' of your friends.

In this example the OP says she has a 'close' friend ... maybe this friend doesn't view the friendship as 'close' as the OP assumes?

I have ADHD and this is completely normal behaviour for me. All my long term friendship are understanding and also behave in a similar way. We just pick and drop off when it's convenient and when catch up it's like we've never been apart. Could she be ND? In my case, I find everyday life incredibly hard to juggle and other than work related messages, replying to texts and regular contact with friends is very low down on my priority list.
I guess for someone who is NT this behaviour comes across as very rude and disrespectful which is why most of my friends are ND as the NT ones did not last.

Is there no explanation when she comes back?

That’s the thing though, texting someone more often than once every few months or weeks isn’t ’continuous’. It’s a normal level of communication between friends. Not all day, every day, but how are you really supposed to keep a friendship going or indeed build one if the person waits weeks/months to reply. You need some degree of conversational flow. it doesn’t take 5 minutes to ping a quick reply to someone.

Me and my mates just text when we feel like we have something to say to each other and just start a new conversation at random, and the time between one conversation and the next can be a couple of weeks sometimes, but I wouldn’t stop replying suddenly for long periods, I’d reply usually within a few hours of a message, maybe a couple of days at a push. Ignoring for weeks is so rude and if I had that done to me, I’d feel like I was being ignored intentionally or that something bad had happened.

Everyone has their phone on them nowadays and communicates with those who mean the most to them. It just sends the message ‘you are not important to me’

I am confused how can they possibly support you through tough times if you only see them twice a year and barely message?

In what capacity can they offer said support?

I do this. I don't know why it's not that I don't love my friends sometimes I just feel completely overwhelmed replying to things, especially long messages, and I need to get into the headspace. I'd be devastated if they thought I didn't care about the friendship.

I don't do this for messages that are time critical just the chit chat ones sometimes.

Not another one of these threads

I find them interesting - you don’t have to post and can move on.

This one is especially interesting because of the input and POV from those that don’t reply and why they don’t. I have found it helpful reading alternative views personally, and seeing the reasons behind what I consider to be poor manners and rudeness.

I am now assessing whether there are good reasons sometimes.

The modern requirement to be in touch all the time can be quite draining.

I wouldn't ditch a friend whose company I enjoyed for not replying to general chit chat, I'd just stop sending it.

Someone who ignores important messages is a different matter.

What are you messaging about, is messaging really that important, how often do you message? It might be that they feel you're messaging you much/often.

I have a friend very, very similar to this and frankly, I am on the verge of giving up.
I dont expect immediate replies and I dont text excessively or very often. However, when someone you know is on their phone constantly and on Facebook constantly ignores you for weeks or months at a time then it indicates how low you are on their priority list and how little they value you. We are ALL busy and we ALL have life stressors, I dont know anyone who doesnt. I imagine if she got a phone call from the lottery saying she had won a big prize she'd suddenly be able to reply immediately for example!

I have decided that I will no longer chase anyone because it doesnt make me feel good and why should I be the one holding the friendship together on my own? It takes two people to maintain a friendship.

I am going to drop the rope and let the cards fall where they may. It's sad because good friendships take time to build and it seems so pointless and stupid to just throw them away. I have been there for her and supported her through many life events and she is in for a huge shock because next time, I wont be.

I am worth more and so are you OP. Focus on the people in your life who do make the effort. Chasing and trying to convince someone to spend time with you simply isnt worth it.

Everyone has their phone on them nowadays and communicates with those who mean the most to them. It just sends the message ‘you are not important to me’

The constant pressure to communicate isn't that positive for everyone, plenty of people find it stressful.

I have good friends who never get in touch by message other than to arrange meet ups.

Fade away. I had a friend like this, she would disappear often for a valid reason but she would never say why and kept in touch with other people. Leaves you feeling isolated and lonely.

But it isn’t constant pressure. Nobody expects immediate replies. Like I said, sometimes me and my friends don’t text each other for a few weeks, then one of us will check in and say hi etc and relay what we have got up to, and when I send a message I don’t expect the person to stop what they are doing and reply to me, they can go a few days before replying and I couldn’t care less, all they would say is, ‘’I’m sorry I haven’t got round to this, I’ve been busy recently, how are you?’’ Or something similar and it’s fine, but when you message someone a question or to tell them about something and they just completely ignore you like you don’t exist for weeks?? No, sorry, that’s really rude and makes the person feel shitty for going to the effort to message and you don’t have the decency to even say you’re busy.