To feel confused and hurt by a close friend’s hot and cold behaviour?

[TealDreamer]

I’ve been close friends with a friend called Sandra for a couple of years now, and I’m feeling really confused and hurt by her recent behaviour. We have a great time together when we meet up. But then, out of the blue, she’ll stop replying to my texts and calls for weeks or even months, only to come back later with apologies and no explanation.

This has happened several times this year, and while I don’t want to keep chasing her, it’s making me question whether the friendship is really as meaningful to her as it seems when we’re together.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of hot and cold friendship? How did you deal with it, and did you ever resolve things?

I would let it fade op. I got tired putting efforts in. Maybe sometimes people grow apart. Its hard though as you say

I am grateful for those that have posted with their reasons, however I can’t help but be 🤨 with those that say they are too overwhelmed, and can’t find the time or bandwidth to spare a few seconds to reply to real life actual FRIENDS, despite having time to post here!

I am kinda feeling sorry for their friends! You do have time, everyone does, and it’s a poor excuse and at some point you will be dropped, because everyone has their limit of tolerance.

In our small community no doubt also gaining a reputation for being unreliable and unresponsive.

Agree, a good friend shouldn't ignore you.

A lot depends on age and busyness and how often you've moved where you live?

Everyone has a few seconds in a week my friend.

Weeks between conversations means the previous conversation comes to a natural close where there are no further replies needed. It then might be a couple of weeks before we catch up again. On the other hand, not replying for weeks means someone has sent you a message with news or a question and you haven’t even acknowledged it, there has been no back and forth at all. Does that make sense?

I wonder this too- no apparent time for friends you care about but time to spend chatting with strangers online.....

Its an excuse busy busy busy. My friend has unwell parent we met today. She said her friends important too. I think people got selfish after covid

I am a hot/cold friend.
At the moment, I am really struggling with my MH, so have just gone dark on people. I am ashamed, but if I put my head above the parapet, I face a million questions etc, and I can't cope right now. It is not a "couple second" reply. It is lots to many people. Right now, I just can't.

I understand completely. Could you possibly stretch to a one line message. ‘I am out of action atm, I will be in touch soon x’
Would signal that you are not ignoring them. I would like to think if my friends dropped off the radar I would notice and care about their MH.

There is no shame in being honest that things for you are up and down when you speak to them.

There is no pressure to messsge at all, in this case. And most people would understand it was too hard at this time. Real friends will always be there for you 💐 We are largely talking about those that simply don’t make the time rather than those with genuine reasons.

We're clearly speaking at cross purposes, and the topic isn't important enough to try to unravel it!

Some people message a lot. Some message a bit. Some message almost never.

None of that says anything about depth of connection between two humans. You can't measure friendship, support or significance just by the amount of messaging or even frequency of meetings.

People can have the most frequent contact, then when something happens - like a bereavement - whoosh they are useless.

What matters is that the two sides are happy - I guess there has to be a match.

My question was simple, how can you arrange any meet ups if you never reply to messages? That’s it.

Plus, I’m at a loss as to how people are supposed to have a strong connection when they barely communicate, but obviously that says more about me 🤣

Maybe smoke signals 💨
pigeon carrier
Telegrams
morse code

God knows!! 🤷‍♀️

Whatever it is, it’s to do with her, not you.

I wouldn’t take it personally.

Second a lot of the suggestions above -

– She might have periods of poor mental health such as anxiety or depression
– She might not be someone who enjoys texting
– She might have had personal stuff going on and withdrawn from friendships / socialising for a time

If she’s happy to meet up in person I’d assume it’s nothing to do with how much she values the friendship. Some people just have different ways of connecting.

I think you need to decide how much it bothers you and if you can accept that’s just what she’s like.

My bestie is like this. It doesn't bother me as I have known her 40 years and that it's not personal, that she loves the bones of me. If she was a newer person to my life though we would probably have drifted.

I have "friends" like this, we get along well and can't stop talking when see each other but I was the one who was offering outings etc all the time.
I got fed up and now never text them first so they have to show initiative. And their offers will be on the bottom of my priorities list as I want to give chances to other potential friends who might be more reliable.
I feel much better this way.

To me, it sounds indulgent to choose, and it is choosing to ignore a good friend’s message. It is unkind.

I'd bury a body for my friends. They know that, so me being shit at messaging is fine. I do have ADHD so that's an allowable excuse from your post. But I don't tell everyone.

As much as everyone on here wants to say, "you have time" "it's selfish to to" "it's just a moment" I'm so glad you don't have to experience the overthinking, paralysis, shame and guilt ADHD people experience for simple texting.

See also @XenoBitch being told to just be honest and send a brief text. Can you trust us that it's harder than you think it is?

I have a few friends like this at the moment and I think it’s just overwhelm from general life, including being on social media or their phone and computer all day. I’ve found it hard to reply at times when I’ve suffered from anxiety.
If you enjoy seeing them in person I’d carry on meeting them but not do chatty messages.

I think you may have missed the post where we said genuine reasons are not what we are talking about here. We were talking about those that ‘don’t have time’ or are too busy.
Not those with serious and genuine reasons.

Out of interest, does it not occur to you to reply at all or even contact a friends in MONTHS? I am assuming you have discussed this with your friends and they understand, because you have taken the time to share it with them. 🤷‍♀️

I was trying to edge out. You don't seem to have understood the things I wrote, so I was just trying to end the conversation without repeating myself. But I will repeat as you have asked again.

You have just asked me this: how can you arrange any meet ups if you never reply to messages? I don't understand why you're asking me this, it's a nonsensical question and doesn't relate to the things I've said.

I started by saying this: I have good friends who never get in touch by message other than to arrange meet ups.

I said this later: Some people still have friendships based on chatting in the local pub (obviously a declining pattern) and never message ever.

The word 'some' means a subgroup, not everyone. In fact it is a declining subgroup now, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. My point was that messaging between meetings isn't universal and people can be friends without it.

People who would need to make arrangements obviously need to make arrangements. I said this: If someone doesn't arrange meets or reply there's nothing there.

Later on I said Meeting up is the key aspect really - if the time together is good, does it matter if there isn't much texting between? - 'not much' doesn't mean no messaging at all.

Everything I've said has been about the fact that some (a subgroup of the whole) people maintain friendships with not much (not zero) contact between meetings. I don't think that's a controversial position.

Out of interest, does it not occur to you to reply at all or even contact a friends in MONTHS?

@Savingthehedgehogs sometimes years. But when I'm geographically close, we'll meet up. I know it's weird to many people. Which is why my friends are generally weird.

Takes all sorts to make a world. I NEVER EVER text someone else if I'm with someone. Something I've seen other people do. There are benefits to not being on an electronic lead.

I think I said I consider those we rarely see and have very limited or no contact in between are not friends as such, but acquaintances. We agreed a couple of pages ago that people mix up friendship with acquaintances often. We spoke about friends being aware of every day life, emergencies and celebrations, difficulties and frustrations. There is much more to friendship than a passing meet up once or twice a year, that was the point I think. Communication is central to that, because it keeps you connected.

It’s not weird to me, it sounds like you have set up a way to see your friends that works for you.

I don’t use my phone either when with friends, I agree it’s really rude unless it’s an emergency.