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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father not helping with baby

61 replies

NumbMother · 23/10/2024 12:27

I am at a loss and do not know what to do! Let me start from the beginning, we tried for 3 years before getting pregnant at last. I am married, he is 17 years older than me (Divorced with 2 children, 19 and 21). He wanted a child, I was unsure, but extremely happy I decided YES. Before getting pregnant, he would always boast about how he cared for his babies and how useless his ex-wife is/was as a mother. According to him, he raised his children. Fast track to me becoming pregnant, there was a shift in our marriage. Most of the time he would argue with me over the most insignificant little detail and later blame me and my hormones. I ended up spending most of my time in the bedroom watching TV. He did not attend any of the appointments, always 'too busy' of forgot. Only for me to return home after the appointment to him sleeping on the couch. We both work for ourselves and we work together on most of our projects. An important factor throughout the entire story...So, me being self employed and us dividing all costs 50/50, I needed to work throughout my "maternity leave". I had a c-section in order to plan around work (his idea). I worked until midnight the day before my c-section, in the hospital, he brought my laptop to me because he had something I needed to attend to. The day I was released form hospital, I started working again on his demand. He continued working his normal hours and expected the same from me immediately. We did not have anyone to help/look after my girl, so I had to that as well. Without his assistance since he was either too tired or not at home. I work from home, so did not have to travel etc. Fast forward 8,5 months to now...In this whole time he has never done any night feeds (formula fed), he has bathed her twice, does not help/offer assistance in any way, I always have to ask him to take her just so I can take a shower. She goes to daycare from 8-4 during the day since she was 4 months old so that I can work. He never changes a diaper, give a bottle, drop her off or collect her from daycare. The only time he will change her diaper/feed her is if I ask him to, event then he sighs. To make matters worse, I am also furthering my studies, so I have to deal with my studies as well. Most evenings he would sit in front of the tv or sleep. Weekends he does stuff around the house, so he 'cant look after her since he is too busy. Whenever I ask for help or tell him that he is also responsible for her, it turns into a fight. He then ignores both of us (like actual silent treatment) for days on end. We keep fighting because I am so tired and overwhelmed, yet he is the one who is always sleeping. He exhibits typical narcissistic traits such as gaslighting, projecting, love bombing etc. He suffers from depression but decided to stop his medication, I have asked him to take his meds again, but he refuses and tells me I am the one with the problem? I do not know what to do anymore! I am literally feeling numb of any emotions, but I know I need to fight in order to give my baby my best. How do I handle this situation?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 23/10/2024 23:56

This is not going to get better but plan your exit carefully as he will insist he's the parent with care and will go for full residency. See a solicitor. Contact Women's Aid. You do not and will never have the husband you want. Please listen to us who have walked this mile Flowers

TheFormidableMrsC · 23/10/2024 23:59

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Oh for fucks sake. There's always one. Don't be so bloody stupid. I'm embarrassed for you.

Mylovelygreendress · 24/10/2024 00:00

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Is this a joke ?

Pallisers · 24/10/2024 00:05

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Do you think this is a plot line in a novel or a screenplay? "lighthearted and fun" wtf. this woman is doing a full time job and minding a baby with no maternity leave and no help. Did you read the bit about him attending NONE of her appointments despite working for himself?

Anyway, I wouldn't do any of this crap with a man who brought me a laptop in hospital when I had just had a c-section and made me work after major abdominal surgery and a newborn.

Op, take a very careful look at your finances/housing etc. See a solicitor and plan your exit. When making your plans, presume you working together will end. Frankly, I would postpone the studying for the moment until life gets easier for you.

I agree he may say he'll look for full residency as a threat but the idea of the lazy git actually minding a baby full-time is quite funny (it it wasn't potentially dangerous)

I'd love to know his ex-wife's take on their marriage. And OP, your red flags should have been waving when he told you all that guff about single-handedly raising his children because he ex was a useless mother.

Disturbtheuniverse · 24/10/2024 00:20

Yeah leave. I can't see this getting better and your little one needs a happier environment.

KittenOnTheTable · 24/10/2024 00:32

So when I was in a situation like this I stayed for another 8 years nothing got better only worse. It wasn't until someone said to me kindly that dd was seeing everything that went on did I want the same for her when she grows up. To think it's OK to be treated like that. Lit a fire under my ass. I'm now happily married to someone else. Who I never have to ask for help.

Get your ducks in a row. You both deserve better

AcrossthePond55 · 24/10/2024 01:18

@NumbMother

Well, now you know him for what he is, a liar.

He lied about his involvement with the care of his other children. He lied about his ex-wife being a terrible mum. Who knows what else he's lied about?

He may not have lied about wanting a baby, though. Why wouldn't he want one when it meant no change to his life. Babies are wonderful when they're somebody else's responsibility. Plus, in his mind he may see the baby as 'tying' you to him and unable to leave.

Prove him wrong. Leave.

MumChp · 24/10/2024 01:21

And you haven't left because?

muggart · 24/10/2024 15:20

This man has to be a contender for one of the worst partners I've heard about on MN, and there is tough competition.

Surely, OP, you must resent him so much?

I'm sure leaving him seems a huge task because clearly he is the one in charge in the relationship so you might feel you can't go it alone, but to the rest of the world it is clear you are so strong to have coped with all that and he is a useless incompetent selfish leech.

PixieLaLar · 24/10/2024 15:35

Threads like this actually really get my back up.

It’s clearly obvious he’s an abusive dick but here’s the OP all pathetically like “but what should I do?”

Grow the fuck up, take responsibility for producing a child and look after that child. Leave the asshole.

NumbMother · 24/10/2024 22:54

I already know I must leave. I do realise as much. After years of emotional abuse by this man, I have lost myself completely. I used to be the one in front, always taking charge of any situation. I used to go hiking, mountain biking etc. but slowly over the years he has estranged me from my friends and myself. I don’t do any of the things I used to love. My best friend died of leukemia 3 years ago, I was totally devastated and when I looked at him for comfort, he accused me of being emotional and pathetic. His exact words “I can’t help you with your shit at the moment, go see a fucking therapist and get over yourself. Life goes on”. This was 2 weeks after her death. I resent this man to my core, but know that if I leave now he will ruin me in every way possible. I will not be able to financially support my baby since our work is intertwined and once I leave, so does my income. We are finishing up a project within the next 2 years which will be extremely beneficial for my career if I finish it. He is well known in our industry and he will block all possible sources of income for me. I have been saving what I can without his knowledge for when I am able to leave. Unfortunately he will make sure I will not be financially equipped to care for my baby. He has threatened me before that he will ruin my life and I will regret leaving him. He will do anything in his power to ensure I do not get custody of my baby. I hate this situation I am in. I am tired and I don’t recognise the person staring back in the mirror. How the fuck did I end up here?? I believe he has a drinking problem, he is in denial. The shit he has done when under the influence I can’t even mention here! Some days I fear for my own safety around him.
How do I get out of this mess? Do I continue for another 2 years and take the time to carefully plan my exit or do I give up everything I have worked my entire life by leaving now? If I stay, how do I do this?

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 25/10/2024 08:01

Talk to a domestic abuse service in your area and a lawyer. They will help you to plan your exit.

pumpkinpam · 25/10/2024 08:08

I would say that my dh didn't become particularly involved with our dd until she reached about 6 months. Prior to that I think he was a bit scared and unsure, he left it to me. I don't think this is that uncommon. However he did try and help me in other ways, cooking and cleaning, letting me sleep, and not expecting me to work the day after having our baby!!!! I'm actually gobsmacked that he brought your laptop to the hospital!

Does this man bring anything to your life at all? Does he care about you and your baby? If you're in any doubt then you're better off alone.

Naunet · 25/10/2024 08:22

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Yes because despite ignoring her asking for help all this time, having a date night will fix everything, and when he continues to be a lazy, selfish arsehole, just be a good girl and laugh about it 🙄

OP, he sounds disgusting, I can’t believe he expected you to work right after major surgery and with a new born, that’s abuse. He is not a kind or loving man and I expect he’s going to make it as hard as possible for you to leave, but I really think it’s what you need to do, and I don’t say that lightly.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/10/2024 08:32

As previous posters have stated, please speak to some domestic abuse charities such as Women's Aid for advice on how to leave your abusive partner.

You should also seek legal advice, if possible.

Naunet · 25/10/2024 08:34

Sorry, I posted that before seeing your update, and I’m not surprised to see his threats, I suspect he only wanted a baby with you to trap you and isolate you further. What a vile, weak little man he is.

Can you call Womens Aid, or maybe get some therapy to help you get into a place where you’re mentally ready to leave and the fight that will come? Do you have family support? Can you get back in touch with your friends?

DeathNote11 · 25/10/2024 08:47

Don't waste time & energy trying to make a point of arguing against him because men like that love those opportunities to further confuse & abuse. PLEASE call women's aid or your local DA service for support, someone needs to know what's going on, help you get your ducks in a row & keep you grounded because he'll not relinquish control without a fight.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:54

He doesn't care about you or your child. Move out and go and live with your mum if you possibly can? I spent my mat leave with my parents and they were wonderful to me.
You don't deserve any of this and reading Tori lost makes me feel like the lucky one (my nasty selfish ex walked out on me just before our baby was born)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:55

Borninabarn32 · 23/10/2024 12:40

You sound like me 3 years ago. I left when DS was 1.5yr. I lost my income becuase it was tied to him and my home becuase he wouldn't leave. Life was so incredibly easier as a single mother on benefits in a rented flat than it was with him. Like so much easier. I was on the brink of not being able to feed us, counting loo flushes, wearing two pairs of socks. But fuck me it was a breeze. Then I met DP, who stepped up and looked after DS better than his dad ever did, I got lay ins for the first time in years.

Dump his sorry ass, it'll be the best thing you ever did. Otherwise you will serve him until he finally dies and you'll be too old to enjoy it.

How did you meet your DP?! (Sorry to derail op but I am in this boat and would love to know!)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:56

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

Not a chance a nasty lazy man like this would agree to the schedule he would sleep through his jobs

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:00

NumbMother · 24/10/2024 22:54

I already know I must leave. I do realise as much. After years of emotional abuse by this man, I have lost myself completely. I used to be the one in front, always taking charge of any situation. I used to go hiking, mountain biking etc. but slowly over the years he has estranged me from my friends and myself. I don’t do any of the things I used to love. My best friend died of leukemia 3 years ago, I was totally devastated and when I looked at him for comfort, he accused me of being emotional and pathetic. His exact words “I can’t help you with your shit at the moment, go see a fucking therapist and get over yourself. Life goes on”. This was 2 weeks after her death. I resent this man to my core, but know that if I leave now he will ruin me in every way possible. I will not be able to financially support my baby since our work is intertwined and once I leave, so does my income. We are finishing up a project within the next 2 years which will be extremely beneficial for my career if I finish it. He is well known in our industry and he will block all possible sources of income for me. I have been saving what I can without his knowledge for when I am able to leave. Unfortunately he will make sure I will not be financially equipped to care for my baby. He has threatened me before that he will ruin my life and I will regret leaving him. He will do anything in his power to ensure I do not get custody of my baby. I hate this situation I am in. I am tired and I don’t recognise the person staring back in the mirror. How the fuck did I end up here?? I believe he has a drinking problem, he is in denial. The shit he has done when under the influence I can’t even mention here! Some days I fear for my own safety around him.
How do I get out of this mess? Do I continue for another 2 years and take the time to carefully plan my exit or do I give up everything I have worked my entire life by leaving now? If I stay, how do I do this?

Op I felt like I was getting punched in the stomach readying how he spoke to you after you best friend died . Ouch I'm so so sorry as a human being you deserve so much better than how he's treated you

When I told my ex I felt like I was in survival mode being pregnant and doing everying in the house he laughed at me and told me I didn't live in a. Refugee camp and I had to be more resilient. They are all the same.

Read 'why does he do that n' by Lundy Bancroft and also 'how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court' and call women's aid and see a lawyer before you tell him you're leaving make a plan to do it safely

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:04

He is trying to bully and scare you. Being married you have a lot of rights - you can seek advice from domestic violence charity, what they may be able to get is an occupation order and a non molestation order so you're the one able to stay in the home and he can't. If he is ever verbally aggressive or destroys property call the police so you have a record . I regret it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:04

Sorry I mean I regret not calling the police when this happened

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:05

He is not god, he does not control and entire industry. He cannot black list you. You are good at your work and your clients and associates know that. Don't let him make you believe otherwise.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/10/2024 09:07

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 09:05

He is not god, he does not control and entire industry. He cannot black list you. You are good at your work and your clients and associates know that. Don't let him make you believe otherwise.

This!

You need to leave now OP, not wait for another two years.

As others have said, speak to women’s aid for advice and help.

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