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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Father not helping with baby

61 replies

NumbMother · 23/10/2024 12:27

I am at a loss and do not know what to do! Let me start from the beginning, we tried for 3 years before getting pregnant at last. I am married, he is 17 years older than me (Divorced with 2 children, 19 and 21). He wanted a child, I was unsure, but extremely happy I decided YES. Before getting pregnant, he would always boast about how he cared for his babies and how useless his ex-wife is/was as a mother. According to him, he raised his children. Fast track to me becoming pregnant, there was a shift in our marriage. Most of the time he would argue with me over the most insignificant little detail and later blame me and my hormones. I ended up spending most of my time in the bedroom watching TV. He did not attend any of the appointments, always 'too busy' of forgot. Only for me to return home after the appointment to him sleeping on the couch. We both work for ourselves and we work together on most of our projects. An important factor throughout the entire story...So, me being self employed and us dividing all costs 50/50, I needed to work throughout my "maternity leave". I had a c-section in order to plan around work (his idea). I worked until midnight the day before my c-section, in the hospital, he brought my laptop to me because he had something I needed to attend to. The day I was released form hospital, I started working again on his demand. He continued working his normal hours and expected the same from me immediately. We did not have anyone to help/look after my girl, so I had to that as well. Without his assistance since he was either too tired or not at home. I work from home, so did not have to travel etc. Fast forward 8,5 months to now...In this whole time he has never done any night feeds (formula fed), he has bathed her twice, does not help/offer assistance in any way, I always have to ask him to take her just so I can take a shower. She goes to daycare from 8-4 during the day since she was 4 months old so that I can work. He never changes a diaper, give a bottle, drop her off or collect her from daycare. The only time he will change her diaper/feed her is if I ask him to, event then he sighs. To make matters worse, I am also furthering my studies, so I have to deal with my studies as well. Most evenings he would sit in front of the tv or sleep. Weekends he does stuff around the house, so he 'cant look after her since he is too busy. Whenever I ask for help or tell him that he is also responsible for her, it turns into a fight. He then ignores both of us (like actual silent treatment) for days on end. We keep fighting because I am so tired and overwhelmed, yet he is the one who is always sleeping. He exhibits typical narcissistic traits such as gaslighting, projecting, love bombing etc. He suffers from depression but decided to stop his medication, I have asked him to take his meds again, but he refuses and tells me I am the one with the problem? I do not know what to do anymore! I am literally feeling numb of any emotions, but I know I need to fight in order to give my baby my best. How do I handle this situation?

OP posts:
Velvian · 25/10/2024 09:13

Next time he does something to you while drunk, report him to the police. You need to start building a paper trail of his lack of fitness as a parent for your child’s sake.

I'm sure you have a lot of transferable skills that can be used in a different sector. You could stop working with him now and start to build a career away from him.

NewGreenDuck · 25/10/2024 09:18

Make plans to leave. He's a useless twat and a controlling twat too. Don't waste another second on him. Your life will improve away from him.

ManhattanPopcorn · 25/10/2024 09:24

No doubt he made the same threats to his ex wife. She managed to leave and start over. So can you.

Sassybooklover · 25/10/2024 09:28

Well, I think you know by now that his boasting of how he brought up his adult children and how terrible their Mother is....was a big fat lie. He has proved to you, that he's not a good Dad in any sense of the word. My guess that where you are now, is exactly where is ex-wife was when their children were small. Now it's easy to see why she is divorced from him. You need to end the marriage. For your own sanity. He won't get better, he will just carry on in the same manner, blaming you for everything that goes wrong. You are essentially a married single Mother, so being on your own will probably be hard in some ways but easier in others. He brings nothing to the relationship and adds no value to your life or your daughter's.

DecafDodger · 25/10/2024 11:42

He will do anything in his power to ensure I do not get custody of my baby.

they always say that. What are his chances realistically, if he has shown no interest in the baby before? Do you really think he even wants to be a resident parent and do all the actual care?

Borninabarn32 · 25/10/2024 11:56

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2024 08:55

How did you meet your DP?! (Sorry to derail op but I am in this boat and would love to know!)

Bumble of all places , absolutely strike of luck, neither of us were looking for a proper relationship, honestly didn't think men like him existed tbh, sp no advice there, he's my lottery win moment lol

PersephonePotts · 25/10/2024 12:00

I honestly see so many stories of much younger second wives with DHs who behave like Disney Dad and bang on about how dreary and useless wife no 1 was - only to find it’s HIM who is the useless prick and he hasn’t taken it well when his midlife crisis woman turns out to be an actual human with wants and needs of her own, rather than just the Wanksock he was expecting. Harsh but true.

leave him

Neetra30 · 29/11/2024 12:38

ButtercupBeans · 23/10/2024 13:23

Don't leave. Try to work it out and fix it.

You and hubby agree and arrange a time and day to have a date night out.

Get a babysitter or family member to look after baby.

During date night, you and hubby both map out a rough day by day schedule, rota/plan. about who will feed baby, change baby, do housework/cooking/chores etc etc.

Make it lighthearted and fun . . .

Treat it like another business.

Map out "me" times, "us" times, individual baby times, friends times. family times, work etc.

Both of you draw up, negotiate and agree to the schedule.

Keep it flexible - when need be . . . for emergencies and other things that may crop up. But treat it like another job and you are both job-sharing - so if you need to swap a day or time - swap fairly when needed.

Print it out. Laminate it. Pin it up. Have it on a table. Make sure there are several copies - so it is always at hand and hubby can see what he has helped to draw up and agreed to; and what he is supposed to be doing.

Make it easy for him to do his new job.

Make it . . . and treat it like a business.

But laugh about it when things don't work out, or go slightly wrong; and together tweek and amend the schedule whenever needed.

Edited

OP's husband isnt even the type to listen, let alone negotiate with.
OP, let me tell you right now, this guy will never change.
You need to plan your exit

HoppingPavlova · 29/11/2024 12:49

He suffers from depression but decided to stop his medication, I have asked him to take his meds again, but he refuses and tells me I am the one with the problem?

This will be the main cause of his tiredness/sleeping all the time. Irrespective, it’s his problem as he is choosing not to take medication to minimise that aspect.

Just leave, it sounds shit.

ChateauMargaux · 29/11/2024 15:01

Get a therapist, get a life coach, get a career coach, get a best friend, be your own best friend.

You are still the sum of all of your experiences to date - they will not go away in a puff of smoke when you leave your partner. I know he has take a lot from you, but he has not taken everything.

Dontwearmysocks · 29/11/2024 17:27

How to handle it? Kick the useless turd out to live a single life elsewhere.

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