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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think a lot of this “boy mum” stuff is a load of sexist nonsense?

292 replies

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:01

I’m always hearing people (on social media and in real life) talking about being “boy mums”, mostly saying how hard it is to raise boys as they are always being dangerous, loud, disruptive and disobedient, the tacit implication being that girls are quiet, do as they are told and that raising them is easy.

I have two girls, and I am not exaggerating when I say every single posts, video or anecdote of the supposedly “dangerous, madcap antics” “boy mums” have to deal with is something my girls do regularly. I’m thinking mostly of toddler/young children stuff. For example, I saw a video the other day of a child around 18 months trying to climb over a cardboard box and then tumbling off it (soft landing, no danger whatsoever), with a caption saying something like “see, this is what boy mums have to put up with!” and I’m just like… isn’t that just totally normal toddler behaviour for both sexes?? When my girls were that age I felt like they spent every minute of every day trying to climb up everything. My cousin posted one last week of her 3 year old splashing in some mud with a comment about being a “boy mum” and it was just such a massive eye-roll. As if little girl toddlers don’t love splashing around in mud every chance they get, too!

It's mostly just eye-rolling stuff, but it does actually sometimes annoy me, because I sometimes feel like people are assuming parents of girls have some sort of blessed easy life where we’re just sitting around getting our hair brushed, or relaxing while our perfect little angels play dollies, while “boy mums” are actually doing hard work, which is so far from the truth that it annoys me. My girls both come home from school/nursery covered in mud every day, they act like they are allergic to doing as they’re told, they climb, they jump, they playfight – and as far as I’ve seen of other girls, they are totally normal in this regard.

My in-laws especially are big on the whole “boys are loud and dangerous and misbehave and girls are quiet and obedient” thing (to the point where it comes up in conversation every time we see them🙄), and the weird thing is, our nephews on that side actually happen to be naturally very placid, introverted and timid, while it’s our girls who are climbing the walls, being rambunctious and rarely do as they’re told without a struggle. And yet still they go on about how boys are so “naughty” and hard work, and "girls don't misbehave" (verbatim quote from MIL!!!!) which I just find a bit insulting really, because if what they are saying is true, then it stands to reason that either we must have an easy life, or we must just be rubbish parents, because girls are supposed to be “naturally obedient” and yet we still have to put loads of work into getting ours to behave, so how hopeless must we be?

So, what’s the consensus? Is it true that boys are naturally naughtier and harder work, or is it sexist nonsense?

(For the sake of the poll, let’s stick to thinking about little children rather than older kids/teens.)

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 23/10/2024 14:21

Sdpbody · 23/10/2024 14:02

The term "boy mum" is just a way mums get through not having girls. Everymum I know with just boys, says, "oh no, I don't mind" but we all know they are gutted to not have had a girl.

This is nonsense. I have 5 boys and was very happy each time. Would have been just as happy to have girls. Some people really don't care!

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 14:22

Noseybookworm · 23/10/2024 14:18

I only have boys but I think the whole boys are harder work thing is rubbish! None of my boys have been reckless, dangerous or more badly behaved than my friend's daughters and are all kind, thoughtful and generally pretty easygoing. I am the youngest of 3 girls and I can tell you our teenage fights were epic and much more vicious than anything my boys have ever done 😂

Same - me and my sister had the neighbours knocking on the door asking if they should call the police once 😳😳😳

OP posts:
whoamI00 · 23/10/2024 14:23

Who said girls are quiet, easy to raise? I myself wasn't a quiet easy child when I was young so don't have such an image of girls!

TheSoapyFrog · 23/10/2024 14:24

I think the "boy mum" stuff is nonsense, but I also think what you're saying about people using it to put down parents of girls is nonsense too.

DinahSlade · 23/10/2024 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AgileGreenSeal · 23/10/2024 14:26

I had three boys and a girl.
In my experience boys are harder work; they are more prone to engaging in risky behaviour, more prone to having accidents, more disobedient and more likely to get into trouble as they get older.

sorry, OP. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Penguinmouse · 23/10/2024 14:28

I don’t have an opinion of whether boys or girls are easier to raise as I only have a little girl so nothing to compare to but I think there’s a slightly icky tone to people who would call themselves “Boy Moms” on Instagram/tiktok - making videos of themselves crying because they’re upset at their sons getting married in 25 years and not being the main woman in their life. It’s an exaggeration and obviously played for clicks but it buys into such a weird Freudian stereotype that makes me roll my eyes whenever I see the hashtag.

horsesforcourses6 · 23/10/2024 14:29

Girls are difficult in their own way, and are often more difficult to parent than boys especially as they get older.

I think the “boy mum” stuff refers to the kinds of things that boys do that girls simply wouldn’t because they make absolutely no sense. Things like throwing stones at a bus.

Elliesmumma · 23/10/2024 14:30

Yeah it’s total nonsense. My LG is way more…. “Boisterous” than many boys.
It’s ridiculous that in this day and age we can get away with justifying personality traits on sex. Imagine saying someone’s personality was more or less challenging based on their ethnicity/ colour of their skin. It would be totally ridiculous.

BunnyLake · 23/10/2024 14:31

I don’t recognise that at all. I brought up two boys single handed and other than the terrible two’s and very typical exasperating young child behaviour (which wasn’t dangerous or bad) I’ve not experienced any difficult behaviour through their primary school, teens etc. They’re adult now and we’ve never fallen out, never had a proper row, it’s been pretty plain sailing if I’m honest.

Threelittleduck · 23/10/2024 14:32

I was always told girls are much harder than boys! Boys are usually more easy going than girls (apparently).
I have two girls and a boy and they have all been difficult at different ages. DS is easier to distract but I think that's down to his age not because he's an easier child.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 23/10/2024 14:32

I have both and I think there are general differences in their behaviours and it's noticeable from babyhood.

Kephia · 23/10/2024 14:32

I have a small bunch of DDs and one DS (roughly in the middle, age-wise). He's probably the calmest, most mature and considerate out of all of them. He loves philosophy and acting, despised playing football and rugby, but enjoys archery.

On a wider note, 'boy mom' and 'girl mom' stuff is ridiculous, posturing nonsense.

Joolo · 23/10/2024 14:34

AgileGreenSeal · 23/10/2024 14:26

I had three boys and a girl.
In my experience boys are harder work; they are more prone to engaging in risky behaviour, more prone to having accidents, more disobedient and more likely to get into trouble as they get older.

sorry, OP. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Neuroscience would tell us that prior to teenage years that is down to a combination of their natural temperament and their environment and nothing to do with their chromosomes.
Parents are more physical with boys, parents perceive boys behaviour differently with a confirmation bias, even when the parents genuinely don't believe they have parented sexes differently.

Joolo · 23/10/2024 14:35

sunflowersngunpowdr · 23/10/2024 14:32

I have both and I think there are general differences in their behaviours and it's noticeable from babyhood.

That's because they are two individuals not because they are a boy and a girl.

Godesstobe · 23/10/2024 14:35

It's just sexist nonsense that helps to maintain damaging sexist stereotypes in adulthood. All children are different.

My DD crawled and walked very early and was incredibly active, adventurous and confident in every way. People sometimes commented that she behaved " like a boy"! She didn't - she just behaved like herself.

My DS was completely different. Content to sit on his bottom and crawled and walked late. Very gentle, empathic personality.

This sort of stupid stereotyping even begins before birth now people know the sex in advance. I hear so many pregnant women say in response to their baby kicking "Oh he's a typical boy, so active." It makes me want to scream with frustration.

casapenguin · 23/10/2024 14:35

GeneralPeter · 23/10/2024 12:33

It's not complete nonsense though, is it?

It's observable both in real life and in multiple studies, with various methodologies. See one eg:

pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3532859/

It's still open to argue nature vs nurture, and there will be many individual counterexamples, but when people talk about "boy behaviour" / "girl behaviour", they're talking in generalities, and as a generality it's not wrong.

From that study: The results of this study suggest that gender differences in the major temperament traits are smaller in young children than in samples of adults or adolescents.

so not the best one to pick to make that point on this thread.

DiscoDragon · 23/10/2024 14:39

I have one of each. My daughter is (and always has been) the more difficult of the two. She has always been impulsive and extremely opposed to doing anything that is asked of her. She has always been obnoxiously loud and full-on.

My son, who has been diagnosed as having autism and ADHD has always been much easier to deal with. He is high energy but he absolutely hates getting into any kind of trouble. When he is engaged with something he enjoys he can be quiet for hours on end, he's also never liked getting dirty!

I grew up with 2 brothers, I was the quiet and (mostly well-behaved!) one and they were the ones climbing everything and getting into all kinds of scrapes and trouble!

Superworm24 · 23/10/2024 14:40

I don't know about the whole "boy mum" thing. But I have family members who regularly tell me how much easier it is to raise boys. But that's due to my family's sexist expectations.

the7Vabo · 23/10/2024 14:41

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 14:22

Same - me and my sister had the neighbours knocking on the door asking if they should call the police once 😳😳😳

Do you think some of your reaction OP is because on some level you mind not having a boy? I think most of your reaction is understandable, but you seem very triggered and it comes across a bit my girls are SO WIlD ie just as good as a boy.

I think aggressive boy/girl stereotypes are tiresome but boys and girls are different in the same way as men and women are different. I don’t think that’s controversial. But I do also think a lot of things come down to individual personalities.

While I think gender reveals are daft, people are interested in gender because parenting a boy and parenting a girl is a different experience. Obviously parenting different children is different too.

TenWeeCaramelJoeys · 23/10/2024 14:42

I have two boys. Neither of them is 'typical' in terms of the male stereotype. My eldest is the gentlest, least boisterous person I know. My youngest is also a gentle soul, perhaps a bit more physical than his brother, but still a quiet child and very sensitive. Neither of them was ever in trouble at school or anywhere else. I suppose they're both a bit geeky😆

Scottishskifun · 23/10/2024 14:44

I think it's swings and roundabouts!
Some girls can be high energy, loud etc and some boys can be quiet and happily sit.

I have 2 DS's so very firmly a boy mum - they aren't rude or obnoxious and I pull them up on any bad behaviour immediately. I dont tolerate fighting or play fighting. They are very high energy and seem to need more running off then friends with girls but this could just be personality! They both hate mud but will climb anything in sight.

OpalTree · 23/10/2024 14:47

Noseybookworm · 23/10/2024 14:18

I only have boys but I think the whole boys are harder work thing is rubbish! None of my boys have been reckless, dangerous or more badly behaved than my friend's daughters and are all kind, thoughtful and generally pretty easygoing. I am the youngest of 3 girls and I can tell you our teenage fights were epic and much more vicious than anything my boys have ever done 😂

Whereas my 20 and 17 year old girls have been kind, thoughtful and easy going teenagers. Just shows they are all different and many don't conform to the stereotype.

justusandthecat · 23/10/2024 14:47

I have one of each. They are both equally loud, messy and constantly looking for new ways to injure themselves. My daughter is the only one who has had us in A&E though. She assures me that was her brothers fault though, apparently it was his idea to forward roll down the stairs she just went along with it. Not sure I believe her.
Once they get a bit older obviously we will have to teach them things that are specific to their sex but for now we are just trying to keep them in one piece and get them out of the house on time every now and then.

housethatbuiltme · 23/10/2024 14:48

I have 2 boys and a girl, all 3 are wildly different and my 'easiest' child by far is one of the boys.

DD is the only one to ever have tantrums.

Its all personality in the end.

I have noticed parents at school whose boys run riot always shrug it off as 'boys will be boys' like we are just meant to ignore it instead of actually parenting them and so there probably is a sexist attitude some people have.

I will say many people I know insist teen girl (especially sisters) can be the worst for drama and fighting. I know my mam use to fight like a banshee with her close age sister (but never with her younger baby sister) where as most the brothers I know have very little drama. Of course some sisters might be loving best friends though.

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