To be pissed of at husband

[AnnoyingH]

I don't know how to describe it other than "accusations" he makes about me. It makes me so angry. Am I overreacting?

Example 1: he's going out for the day with DS and I suggested he might consider going for lunch at a particular restaurant 5 mins walk away from their venue that DS likes. So he accuses me of trying to be controlling of their day. I respond that I was just making a suggestion. He insists I'm trying to be controlling.

Example 2: I don't have a personal laptop but can use my work laptop for personal stuff. On my day off I sit at my laptop doing personal things. It just so happens that a work email pops up just as he looks at my laptop so he accuses me of spending my day off working. I explain that's not the case and he insists that I am.

Both within 24 hours. It makes me feel like he's saying I'm lying.

He sounds like a bit of a twat. Is he always like that or is this a recent development?

He sounds nasty... like he is trying to destabilise you, make you the baddie in everything.

I don't like it.

Not a recent development, doesn't happen that often but when it does it makes me extremely angry. My mother was the same and it made me feel so helpless and just unfair, and this makes me feel the same way.

Or he will say "yes ok" but in a tone / facial expression which says "I know better, you are [insert whatever accusation is being made]" except I can't then address it because I'm the ridiculous one for reading into a "tone".

This one is hard to really know. I’m taking dd out on Saturday and I’ve got a plan, I don’t need dh making suggestions for where to have lunch. While it could be helpful it could be annoying depending how you usually are about suggestions. My mum makes suggestions but they’re really instructions because she’ll be put out if you do something other than her suggestion.

work wise, turn emails off! I get annoyed if I think dh is working because I worry about his mh and inability to switch off. The weekend is family time not work time. Dh was really put upon by his ceo in 2020-2021 with calls at 9pm etc and it was hard for him to stop doing that. So, it depends what you’re like and the history.

To be fair, both of those things would annoy me too.

Just read until the end. Then go to the Relate website and read that. Only then dismiss it if you feel it's way off base.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

The first one would annoy me if I was DH too. Surely DS would ask if he wanted to go there? Or DH can make plans with DS on their day out without your suggestions.

The second one I do agree with you about so it’s hard to say.

DH has an hour of the day planned with DS for an event at 11-12. All I literally said was "there's restaurant xxx nearby that DS likes, maybe you can go there for lunch". DS is 5 and wouldn't know to suggest it himself.

My DH was not worried about my mental health when he accused me of working on my day off! He was pissed off that I could be doing housework instead of working for "free" for my employer (and I wasn't working!)

I've been annoyed by similar sorts of suggestions in the past (although I've normally concluded that it was over-sensitive of me to be annoyed), but I think calling it controlling is a huge overreaction.

I can see why he's annoyed at you in both instances, but 'controlling' is doing a lot of heavy lifting there

The former would annoy me too - I don't need another adult making suggestions for me.

The latter - it depends? Did you have your head stuck in your laptop all day?

@coffeesaveslives I was on my laptop for 3.5 hours while he was working from home. And I was doing personal stuff, not work.

Hang on… if you are not working he expects you to be doing housework?

@Renamed he was on that particular day yes. But for me that's not even the point. Why can't he just believe me when I tell him I wasn't working? It makes me feel like he's accusing me of lying or that he knows better than me what's going on in my head or what my intentions are.

Not the point of your thread but I hate it when my husband tries to dictate when I can and can’t work. He is quite happy for me to do errands during the working day but thinks I should just switch off at 5pm. It is give and take.

He also doesn’t appreciate that not finishing what I am doing stresses me out so I won’t have a nice relaxing evening and I am adding more pressure to myself for the next day!

You have a history with your mother and you are projecting this history on your relationship with your husband. You say it doesn't happen often but when it does, it makes you very angry. None of the situations you described here should have provoked this reaction unless it was happening several times a day.
For your husband to see that email came from work you must have actually opened the email, in which case you were working. I hate when my partner is working evenings and weekends. I know he has to but it does make me frustrated because I feel we can never properly switch off and spend time together. Yes, sometimes this work is just checking a message from a client and I think he needs to have firmer boundaries around being contacted out of hours. It doesn't make a monster.

Probably because you did work, so you lied. It might have only been one work email, but it's still work. His reaction was ott, but quite frankly the first incident would have irritated me if I was him. Suggesting lunch somewhere, fine, specific place, a bit controlling. Lying about working on day off when he saw that you were ? That's you gaslighting him.

Are you happy OP?
Because it certainly doesn't sound it.
Yours was a suggestion, thats all.
He can ignore it.

What you do on your laptop is none of his business.
Expecting you to do housework?

Only one child?
Good.

He doesn't sound particularly kind and you don't sound happy?
Are you?
How do you feel about him?

Threads like this often cover the real issues.

Hard to know.

You think you made a suggestion about lunch. How did you make it?

"If you're looking for somewhere for lunch, there's xyz place nearby that's really nice"

"As you're going to that venue, then you really should go to xyz place that DS likes because he'll definitely be upset to miss out if you don't go there."

Both "suggestions". One rather more pointed than the other.

With respect to the work email - I used to have work emails sent to my personal device, and it's nigh on impossible to entirely ignore them - you always end up with your brain switching to work mode. Unless you have a job where you hardly ever get emails, you will have had work emails all the time you were doing your personal stuff and you will automatically have at least half registered them. So you may not be "working" but you're also not fully switched off from work. If you've been complaining about too much on at work and/or being stressed and not having down time at home, I think your husband's comment is valid.

Seriously, I now have people on here telling me I'm lying?? Were you there? An email flashed up and disappeared while I was on my laptop. I didn't open it! Please tell me how that means that I'm lying and did actually work? Some of you sound like my husband!

Rather than persuade him you weren’t working I’d be inclined to say “It’s my work laptop email notifications come up whether I’m working or not” if he labours the point use his own tactic of saying “OK then” with an eye rolling tone.

with the restaurant I’d say “just a suggestion you do you” and then walk away.

You noticed there was an email. You read enough of the title/description to know that it was a work email and not a personal one. Even if it's only been enough to notice (e.g.) that it said "I need some info about Acme account" it's highly likely that your brain would think "Oh I wonder what they want to know?", "the info about Acme account is in the folder, why are they emailing about it", or even to start thinking about what you've been doing with the Acme account.

This might not be your definition of "working" but neither is it having a break from work. Switch the notifications off!

Good grief 🙄

Maybe you do interfere a lot more than you realise.

I would find the first irritating too. Like I couldn't plan anything myself...