To be pissed of at husband

[AnnoyingH]

I don't know how to describe it other than "accusations" he makes about me. It makes me so angry. Am I overreacting?

Example 1: he's going out for the day with DS and I suggested he might consider going for lunch at a particular restaurant 5 mins walk away from their venue that DS likes. So he accuses me of trying to be controlling of their day. I respond that I was just making a suggestion. He insists I'm trying to be controlling.

Example 2: I don't have a personal laptop but can use my work laptop for personal stuff. On my day off I sit at my laptop doing personal things. It just so happens that a work email pops up just as he looks at my laptop so he accuses me of spending my day off working. I explain that's not the case and he insists that I am.

Both within 24 hours. It makes me feel like he's saying I'm lying.

I think people are tying themselves in knots trying to make the DH’s behaviour ok. It isn’t!

I can't believe posters are defending him, OP. In a decent relationship, a partner can make a perfectly benign suggestion without being accused of being controlling. Also a) an email popping up doesn't mean you're working and b) what the hell business of his is it if the OP did choose to do some work? It's holiday time for me atm and I'm about to spend most of today working. It wouldn't occur to dh to think this was something into which he has any input! Jeez.

I would find the first thing hugely irritating. How about you let him plan his time with his child how he wants. He can learn their likes/dislikes without you sticking your oar in.

The second - meh.

He sounds a bellend - any good points?

I mean, you don't have to have an email pop up to have these thoughts about work. At any point at the weekend you might think about something you have to do on Monday. Is that also defined as 'working', are you meant to turn off your thoughts as well.

You're making a mountain out of a single pop-up email. It's kind of ridiculous

If OP can't make a suggestion about something that would benefit her child to her DH without him getting annoyed. Then he has issues.

Yeah I definitely think you should get in earlier than him with the "OK then" plus eye roll, maybe interspersed with "If you say so" (sigh).

I don't know - why make your lives miserable in any way in a marriage, on purpose?
Not being naive, married for 20 years, but this is absolutely unnecessary.

Sounds like you've married your mother and are trying to get her approval through replicating the same kind of relationship with your husband. You will have been attracted to him because this feels familiar, but it's dysfunctional and toxic rather than happy and safe.

He could have just said "thanks for the tip. I'm not sure what we'll do but will bear it in mind"

DH has an hour of the day planned with DS for an event at 11-12. All I literally said was "there's restaurant xxx nearby that DS likes, maybe you can go there for lunch". DS is 5 and wouldn't know to suggest it himself.
See if he had something planned or had an idea then this would annoy me a bit too- like btw I know what ds likes so make sure you take him here

I'm sure some if those acting like it's fine to suggest would be up in arms if the roles were reversed
"Omg does he think you don't know how to look after your own child? What a dick."

See if he had something planned or had an idea then this would annoy me a bit too- like btw I know what ds likes so make sure you take him here

@stayathomer this is ridiculously over sensitive, a well balanced person would simply respond, "it's ok, I've got something planned" Why the need to be annoyed? You sound like you would be hard work in a relationship

I think it's maybe hard for some people to understand what it's like when someone's doing this to you all the time. Each individual incident seems like very little, but add them all up and it's really shit.

If DH said "oh you're going (here), there's a great restaurant that DS loves nearby" I'd say, "ooh fantastic, I'll see what it's like" or I'd say, "actually I was thinking of taking him to this other place." And then we would move on with our day. It's a non-issue.

If a work notification popped up on DH's computer, I might say "Jeez, don't they know it's your day off?!" but I wouldn't randomly throw accusations around at him. I certainly wouldn't accuse him of lying if he said he wasn't working, like sorting a bit of work out on a day off is something to be ashamed of. It's another non-issue that your DH shouldn't be making into a big thing.

Bizarre behaviour.

It depends how it's communicated though - some suggestions can come across as being really infantilising and patronising.

Yea, of course, and that's unacceptable. Obviously, we only have OP's point of view. But she seems to suggest that's not how it was said.

Bit of an assumption given the information we have. Also, I think a qualified therapist would only have the expertise to suggest this.

Sounds like you're constantly scanning his actions & words for faults. I know a few people with permanent fault-scanners

It seems there's been a lot of emphasis on picking apart the significance of the individual examples given, OP, when really it's the cumulative effect of that behaviour that I imagine you are interested in. Calling you controlling for making a suggestion about where to eat is a huge overreaction. Even if you did come across as a bit patronising, there are much more constructive ways to handle that. On the second example, it's up to you what you do with your downtime, provided you're both pulling your weight in the household. The important aspect for me, though, is repeatedly insinuating that you are lying. Trust is important and I can fully understand you feeling hurt when he makes out that you are not being honest. Does he know what your mum is/ was like? If so, I would be concerned that he could be using this behaviour as a weapon. Maybe not, just a thought.

How you interpret these incidents needs to be considered in the context of your whole relationship. Are they isolated incidents or does he have form for accusing you of things and insisting he is right. At all sounds quite ‘black and white’ thinking which makes me wonder if he is potentially neurodiverse.

Making suggestions about where he eat with his child when they are out might come across vaguely annoying/bossy but I wouldn’t say it’s controlling and I think it was wrong of him to insist that’s what it was unless you are often trying to micromanage his parenting?

The work example I find it strange that a lot of people here seem to think you are in the wrong. Like hell is my husband telling me when I can and can’t work, unless it’s adversely affecting home life and parenting. And this isn’t even your situation, an email literally popped up! You are a grown adult and can make your own decisions about stuff like this. It’s especially annoying and unfair if it’s not even about family time but he thinks you should be doing more than your share of parenting and household tasks. And yes I would describe this as controlling 1. Because he was determined to be mad at you and not accept the fact explanation that you don’t owe him and trying to control the narrative and 2. He’s no right to tell you when to work.

You need to discuss this with him. When he makes an accusation and clings to it, say to him ‘that’s not what this is OH, I did/said X for Y reason and that’s the end of it. Please don’t keep doing this, it makes me feel like you aren’t listening to me and don’t trust me which is damaging to our relationship’. Say this or similar every single time.

The first point, I’m with him. Keep your beak out. It’s his time with DS. Let him manage it.

The second point , he either simply made a mistake, or his comments weren’t made on this one incident alone i.e. he feels that you generally use work as an excuse to avoid being present at home.

Maybe have a think about whether he has a point or not? And if he doesn’t, just accept he made a mistake on this one occasion.

Andy does the 'why don't you do x, y and z when im planning something and tbh it drives me batshit. It does feel like he's trying to change my plans when I've not asked for his recommendations.

But with regards to the laptop, it's not any of his business really!

Actually can’t believe the reply’s on here! The op is totally right I her feelings, why are people deliberately picking apart and misinterpreting what she’s saying. I recommend places to my partner all the time as I spent more time with kids and know places and where they like, he was appreciative or he would say nah we’re going here and I would say ok! Hi saying she’s controlling isn’t on when she’s said to him she’s not trying to be, he is undermining her and not believing what she says which is so disrespectful and makes you feel unvalidated. My mil would do this, I said I was tired and would like to go home and she would suggest I had something else planned then she would say yeah ok then, you don’t need to make up excuses if you want to leave, I would say it’s not an excuse it’s how I feel and she would sarcastically say mmm ok then. Drove me mad, it’s like anything I said was a lie and she knew better! Op you need to speak to him about it and hopefully he changes but if not you will feel like there’s no trust. My partner did it too as he grew up with it but after I said he needs to stop and take me for my word he did take it on board

Sounds like a man child. Get rid

100% agree.
Don't be so defensive - just tell him to stop being a twat!