Funeral Spa break?

[filthypawsoffmysilkydrawers]

Sorry for the rubbish title - I don't know what else to call it!

My father died three weeks ago. The funeral is in a week and it's 500 miles away. I'm travelling with my sister to attend the funeral.

Today we were making travel arrangements. I suggested we book a nicer hotel than just the travellodge she was suggesting because I had found a good price and it was only marginally more and this place has a Spa. I said we could go to the funeral and wake, check out of the hotel the next morning but still be entitled to use the Spa facilities all day which we would be a nice relaxing thing for us to do after a really horrible time, then get an evening flight home.

Well, sister flew into a rage. Said she can't beleive I would use my father's funeral as an opportunity to have a Spa weekend, ignored my messages from that point on and won't answer her phone.

WIBU? It's not like I was suggesting we go clubbing or go-karting or something. Just a nice thing for ourselves as the last few weeks have been so horrendous, and an opportunity to spend time together.

She's made me feel awful. She could have just said no.

Just to be clear - money isn't the issue. It was very little more than the place she suggested and we've both just recieved generous inheritances. Plus she didn't say that.

Am I a horrible disrespectful bitch?

No you're not, not at all.

I feel her anger and upset is probably misdirected / coming from somewhere else.

It does sound a bit cold to be honest.

People grieve differently and some find some things disrespectful whilst others don’t and vice versa.

Not exactly, but I probably would have been more tactful about the spa element.

People grieve differently, give your sister a bit of breathing space for now.

No I don’t think you’re a horrible bitch. But I don’t think she is either. I think she’s going through a horrible time and saw you as an opportune punch bag.
Maybe mentioning the spa was a bit much and you should have just said that you wanted somewhere calming when you’re trying to grieve, rather than somewhere that you might struggle to sleep. You can message this to her and explain that you misspoke and you understand why she would have misunderstood your intentions.

I think you have both lost your father and are entitled to feel however you feel about that- you think a spa would be a nice thing to do after the funeral, she thinks otherwise. She shouldn't have flown off the handle at you, but I would give her some grace.

My personal opinion is what you suggested is fine, but I'm not your sister.

Do you have to share a room with her? If not, she can go ahead and stay in Travelodge while you stay separately in the other hotel (and enjoy the facilities without guilt tripping).

I think what you have suggested is fine, and actually is a lovely idea after a stressful day. A bit of time together to unwind.

Being kind to yourself during a time when you are so sad is ok, actually it’s more than ok and we should be better at doing it.

After my mums funeral I sat in the garden with a Chinese meal and fizz. I enjoyed the sun and lay on a sun lounger while I drank Prosecco. It didn’t make my loss any less acute. I was devastated.

Sadly it was during Covid and although we did have a funeral tea, it was time limited.

As others have said we all grieve differently, I come from a large family and we were all equally horrified at each others suggestions as of what to do the next day. There's no right or wrong, just what feels right for everyone. Tbh a spa sounds horrendous to me but I really hate them anyway but I can see your point about relaxing for 'you' does your sister dislike them anyway ? Maybe give her a bit longer and just explain again about the relaxing bit

She bloody loves a Spa!! I do too but she REALLY loves a spa!!
I thought it would be lovely for us both.
In top of dealing with our grief, we've both been dealing with the funeral arrangements, the solicitors, his affairs, plus working and we both have young families. We've barely had time to talk about dad and I thought this would also be a time to do this.

That's the problem for her. She associates a spa break with fun and doing something she loves.

Nope. I couldn't do it. I see a spa as fun.

OH!

Oh... see I've never seen a spa as "fun".

Enjoyable, pleasant, nice.. not "fun"? Sort of like a bubble bath or a good book.

"Fun" is like... a comedy show or ice skating or something.

Huh. That's interesting

I think she doesn't want to mix up something she loves doing as a treat and to relax with the funeral etc. I think that's fair enough. But I can see why you thought it was a lovely idea, perfect for having time together and regrouping before flying home. Perhaps say you can see why it's something she wouldn't want and suggest another hotel.

I understand where your coming from i personally wouldn't feel comfortable at a spa. As others have said she is grieving as are you and people deal with that in different ways. I think as other posters have said spa is seen as a treat almost but I know that was not your intention you just seen a better hotel with facilities for a similar price and thought it might help to destress. She will come round in time OP and im sorry to hear about the loss of your father

She bloody loves a Spa!! I do too but she REALLY loves a spa!!
I thought it would be lovely for us both.

I think this is probably the crux of the disagreement.

I think your sister might see a spa more as something happy, to celebrate. Doing ‘something lovely’ might feel a bit disrespectful although I understand why you have suggested it.

Perhaps she is thinking, Every time she goes to a spa in future, she would remember her dad’s funeral.

I threw out the clothes, bag and shoes I wore to my dad’s funeral. I couldn’t bear to think of that day ever again.

Mostly we bumble along in life with half-absorbed scripts that enable us to understand enough about one another's feelings to avoid offence. But everything gets a bit tipped over during bereavement and now each of you is shocked and hurt by how differently the other feels.
It's ok. Neither of you is in the wrong. Just take care to avoid saying anything that might cause temporary upset to harden into resentment. There probably aren't words that can put things right immediately, but hopefully there will be times when some little hugs can smooth things over.

I think it was a perfectly reasonable suggestion. A quiet day together would have been a thoughtful way to round off the trip.

But it's inevitable when emotions are running high that people will have a very instinctive/overblown reaction. It's grief talking and everyone is at different stages on different days.

I've never been a wallowing in grief person, doesn't mean I am not heartbroken, just that I would rather do things to take care of myself and lift the anguish a little

I agree with you.
Spa is for when I feel burnt out /shattered/ want some quiet contemplation and to take care of my body. Other similar activities might be a walk in the countryside or a quiet morning by the fire.

"Fun" is skiing or go ape or a trip to the theatre.

Exactly!!

Sorry for your loss.
I don’t think there is right and wrong way of grieving and yours was a lovely idea. However I agree that spa goes under “fun thing” mentally so doesn’t feel as an appropriate stop after dad’s funeral. I would message her to say sorry that it came across wrongly and you just tried to convinced her that it’s a more convenient place etc etc.
Imo it’s the situation when it’s better to say “sorry” as you’ve started it if it makes sense.

I had meant to say in my original post that I am so sorry for your loss.

It's just such a difficult time, you are both going through the worst time.

It really does make us take our hurt out on those closest to us. The trying to get everything right for the funeral while you're grieving and you're just in a haze.

Maybe when you do contact her mention that the hotel is nicer and IF she wants to and feels up to it that you can both use the facilities or not and just see how things go. She'll probably change her mind after having a think about it, sometimes at first we act and speak without thinking.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Completely this. I don't think you were unreasonable at all, that's actually a really lovely and good idea. Bereavement is simply horrible. At the worst possible time there's also this fuck-ton of 'death admin' to do including organising the funeral. I had no idea how much admin there was until my DF died. And grief affects everyone in different ways but however you react / deal with it, it's exhausting. When my DF died I, somewhat strangely, had swollen lymph nodes for weeks and weeks, as some strange immune system stress response or something - it was really painful. Frankly, the idea of a spa after the funeral and a bit of downtime with your sister is a really brilliant and lovely idea. I hope she comes round! But either way, I hope she realises her anger is misdirected and coming from her grief, and calms down. Sending hugs

Actually, having read others responses I can see why, whilst for you it seems like something you'd like to do (and I was thinking along the same lines as I see a spa as downtime for when one is stressed/drained/in need of some care and respite - hence why precisely the perfect option for after the funeral), I can see how for someone who sees it as 'fun' they don't feel it's appropriate. Either way, whilst there was nothing wrong with you suggesting it, give her some grace and some time and I hope she equally gives you grace, and stops being angry with you.