Funeral Spa break?

[filthypawsoffmysilkydrawers]

Sorry for the rubbish title - I don't know what else to call it!

My father died three weeks ago. The funeral is in a week and it's 500 miles away. I'm travelling with my sister to attend the funeral.

Today we were making travel arrangements. I suggested we book a nicer hotel than just the travellodge she was suggesting because I had found a good price and it was only marginally more and this place has a Spa. I said we could go to the funeral and wake, check out of the hotel the next morning but still be entitled to use the Spa facilities all day which we would be a nice relaxing thing for us to do after a really horrible time, then get an evening flight home.

Well, sister flew into a rage. Said she can't beleive I would use my father's funeral as an opportunity to have a Spa weekend, ignored my messages from that point on and won't answer her phone.

WIBU? It's not like I was suggesting we go clubbing or go-karting or something. Just a nice thing for ourselves as the last few weeks have been so horrendous, and an opportunity to spend time together.

She's made me feel awful. She could have just said no.

Just to be clear - money isn't the issue. It was very little more than the place she suggested and we've both just recieved generous inheritances. Plus she didn't say that.

Am I a horrible disrespectful bitch?

Maybe when you do contact her mention that the hotel is nicer and IF she wants to and feels up to it that you can both use the facilities or not and just see how things go. She'll probably change her mind after having a think about it, sometimes at first we act and speak without thinking.

I really wouldn’t do this, it would be like doubling down on the spa being a good idea and puts the onus on her to be more ‘reasonable’. I’d contact her and apologise, explain that you hadn’t intended to upset her, that you thought the time together would give you both a chance to be quiet and take some recovery time together. That you can see that is not how it was received and you’re sorry that the suggestion was upsetting. Acknowledge that you’re all trying your best and things are really difficult and emotional. Maybe tell her you love her,

Neither of you have done anything wrong at all, I think it’s probably a case of being gentle with each other and forgiving insensitive or difficult behaviour at this time.

Shame your sister had a tantrum, but I think your idea of a better hotel is a good one. In particular, use one where you can have breakfast and perhaps meet other family members in the bar or restaurant later.

I booked myself in for a massage and facial in between my Dad’s death and the funeral. I had spent a week sleeping on a foldout chair next to his bed in hospice.
I was and am devastated by his death. But life goes on. My darling daddy would want me to be OK and live my life and yours would too I am sure.
Sorry for your loss.

She loves spa’s and does them for fun and you suggest that after the funeral

well meaning but extremely insensitive

God I would forever associate spas with people dying after this. Never do something you love whilst grieving.

I'd have just said a nicer hotel.

I think your plan is a good one, the spa aspect would be good for stress and also give you time to relax and think about your DF.
I also think this is fine to book for yourself and your DS can stay in a Travelodge.

I went out to dinner with my mother on the day of my father's funeral. I said we shouldn't be cooking and we should go out and have a nice meal. My father had had years of suffering from dementia and my mother had visited him regularly while he was in a dementia unit. I don't see anything wrong with this. We had a very nice dinner, a few drinks and talked about dad.

I went for a spa day the day after my father'a funeral as I wanted some time to relax and destress. It was very helpful to me and would recommend it

Britain has a pretty weird funeral culture compared to a lot of other cultures (I’m talking about white, English funerals specifically). There are historical reasons for this: the mass loss of life during WW1 meant mourning shifted from the ostentatious Victorian approach to something more private.

I imagine your sister has some unreflective assumptions about what a funeral (and the surrounding travel etc) should be like: miserable, bleak, joyless and that is why she has reacted so strongly to a suggestion that clashes with those assumptions. She is also almost certainly operating from a reactive place of anger and grief rather than behaving rationally. She sensed you have trespassed over some kind of unspoken boundary and is shocked and offended.

You are grieving too, and you haven’t done anything wrong.

Sorry for your loss.

Having lost my own DF weeks ago I completely feel where your suggestion came from. I could really do with a spa right now to escape for a couple of hours from the completely joyless cycle of funeral planning and "deathmin".

As pps have suggested it's probably misplaced grief and anger-she probably feels like she will never be able to enjoy things she used to enjoy again. And it's easy to lash out at you because you're a sister and probably a "safer" person to be angry at, rightly or wrongly x

I think it's a really nice idea but clearly not for your sister!
We all went for a lovely afternoon tea the day after my mum's funeral. I have really nice memories of it.

Honestly do it. If this is what your sister chooses to channel her rage into, let her be.

The week after my nan died my mum flew off on holiday. Cold? To some.

But she'd provided round the clock care, worked alongside it (WFH at her house), did childcare for my brothers and needed a break. We all did. She deserved that break.

It sounds like a good thought from you and she's rather over reacted. Chances are she'll have forgotten all about this in a few years time. Grief really does make people react weirdly.

We had a inter family hockey match the day of my mum's funeral. Go figure.

Is there anyone who can talk to her on your behalf just to sort logistics and explain you were trying to do a nice thing.

I don't get what the issue is.

Death is sad but think what the dead person would want. Would they want yoy and your sister to sit moping in a crappy hotel or doing something nice together?

My grandad told us we were not allowed a funeral for him and instead to have a party on his next birthday!

It was a good suggestion.
Grief makes us all unpredictable.
Lots of people feel guilty for not grieving 24/7.
There's no wrong reactions at this point.

An excellent post.

Sorry for your loss OP, you are both grieving and your sister’s response was a little unkind.

There is no right way to grieve. My sister and I ensured our father’s wake was a celebration of his life, with pictures of him throughout his life, living, laughing and being with the people he loved. It prompted so many wonderful memories and stories from family and friends. However, my uncle took umbrage and thought the wake should have been more somber, he lives his life constantly worried about what others think.

Give your sister some space and hopefully she will come to realise that you too are trying to find your way through your own grief.

Not unreasonable at all, would have given you time to chat and go over things - although to be fair days like that are draining and emotionally exhausting. I think you need to take it all with a pinch of salt as she is obviously hurting and overly influenced by what everyone else thinks is right and wrong. Will she be wearing black for a few years - doubt it so whats the problem with it

I think it’s a lovely idea. You need all the small kindnesses for yourself when going through this.

My adult dc died suddenly 2 weeks ago. I've had a massage, facial, been to several yoga classes and the gym, been out for dinner and am having my roots done at the weekend.

I feel better and calmer....it's what I normally do anyway so.i see no reason to deny myself things that will keep me healthy and strong.

When some people are highly stressed or emotional with good reason they can acknowledge that it's the correct place at that time and where they want their mind to be however unpleasant it may feel.

Others suggesting that they try to change or reduce that state can cause great offence.

It would be similar to suggesting to somebody that they take a break when they are overwhelmed by work. It is clearly reasonable and with good intention, but often not received well

Funerals are bloody exhausting so a spa sounds like a lovely idea. A lot of people have very strict ideas about what grieving should look like, and forget that it’s different for everyone.

I think you should book the spa hotel by yourself - it will be good for you to have a bit of space from your sister.

I am so sorry for your loss and I think you are quite right to take care of yourself in this way

I'm with your sister here.

A funeral is not the right time for a spa break.

Why not just do the spa break another time?

Says who?