Funeral Spa break?

[filthypawsoffmysilkydrawers]

Sorry for the rubbish title - I don't know what else to call it!

My father died three weeks ago. The funeral is in a week and it's 500 miles away. I'm travelling with my sister to attend the funeral.

Today we were making travel arrangements. I suggested we book a nicer hotel than just the travellodge she was suggesting because I had found a good price and it was only marginally more and this place has a Spa. I said we could go to the funeral and wake, check out of the hotel the next morning but still be entitled to use the Spa facilities all day which we would be a nice relaxing thing for us to do after a really horrible time, then get an evening flight home.

Well, sister flew into a rage. Said she can't beleive I would use my father's funeral as an opportunity to have a Spa weekend, ignored my messages from that point on and won't answer her phone.

WIBU? It's not like I was suggesting we go clubbing or go-karting or something. Just a nice thing for ourselves as the last few weeks have been so horrendous, and an opportunity to spend time together.

She's made me feel awful. She could have just said no.

Just to be clear - money isn't the issue. It was very little more than the place she suggested and we've both just recieved generous inheritances. Plus she didn't say that.

Am I a horrible disrespectful bitch?

Honestly I recoilled at your title. Having read the full thread I think your heart was in the right place, but at first impressions the suggestion feels like trying to take advantage of a trip for a funeral and turn it into a nice little holiday which does come across as disrespectful to me. It's clear you didn't intend it this way, and your sister reacted overly harshly, but you are both in a very emotionally unstable place right now. I think all you can do is explain that you were intending to be comforting rather than disrespectful, and personally I would avoid booking into the spa for the sake of smoothing things over.

No. I think its a lovely idea. Would any loving parent ever want to be 'respected' by their children to the extent they had to remain as miserable as possible after their funeral and forego any attempt to feel better or more relaxed? I'm sorry for your loss OP and sorry your sister has made you feel wrong. You're not. We should all navigate bereavement in the way that works best for us, and the goal is to get through it as painlessly as possible with our own wellbeing intact.

I don't see anything wrong with it, OP. I'd just say to your sister that I'm sorry you feel that way or if I upset you, I was just suggesting it as it might be nice and relaxing for us.

FWIW I accompanied my mum to the funeral of her best friend. We went out for a nice meal the night before, shared a bottle of wine and talked about happier times with her friend.

I think it's very different from go karting or a theme park as it's quiet, contemplative, relaxing, and gives you a chance to talk. If sister doesn't want to do it then that's fine though of course.

Thank you. It is awful but I cannot sit around being depressed and becoming ill.

I totally understand that. I had a horrible bereavement in my early twenties (first boyfriend) and I did similar. It's a perfectly reasonable way to get through the awful pain

It really doesn't.

Who are you, the funeral police?

A funeral is a really shit thing to go through. It is not remotely unreasonable to want to do something nice and relaxing the next day.

Anything that makes someone feel better when they're bereaved is a good thing, whether that's a spa break or anything else. Nobody gets a medal for making grief more miserable than it already is. You don't have to sit at home thinking about death and eating gruel after someone has died. You can grieve for someone while still having a massage and a nice meal, you know.

If OP's sister doesn't feel it would help her, that's fine. She doesn't have to join in. But she's being weird to begrudge the OP wanting to do it.

DP and I went to a country hotel for a couple of nights after his dad's funeral. We were both utterly wrung out emotionally and physically by grief, stress and even just all the admin and legal stuff and decision-making that comes along with a death. So we took ourselves off to a relaxing hotel and spent two days going for some nice walks and eating nice meals and not having to worry about work or cooking or cleaning for a couple of days. It didn't make us any less devastated by the loss of FIL, but it did certainly give us a couple of days' grace and of being looked after for a bit, in a lovely and non-depressing environment, before life had to go on again.