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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this harassment?

82 replies

HiImNewE · 22/10/2024 12:06

Okay so i went out on 5 dates with much older man ( im mentioning this as maybe it's just what men in his generation do ?)

I wasn't feeling it and tried to end it but he'd send flowers and get in touch other ways when i blocked him . And convince me to give him another chance

So i decided to tell him a lie that i met someone else . He became very angry and send me letter to my address being all sarcastic, cocky saying i should of waited to "break up " ( he was never my man , it was just handful of dates
As he purchased some expensive jewellery for me ( it's insulting to me , no amount of jewellery will make me change my mind i'm
not for sale

He proceeded to bash my character and call me cheater and liar . How can i cheat on a man who was never mine ?

I got few flowers from him too . I'm worried and regret letting him know my address. I don't want letters and flowers

So he called me liar and cheater , bashed my character in letters as he is blocked and send flowers .

Should i be worried ? he sounded unhinged. Or is this just what men reaching 60 do as its different generation?

I live with my 7yo daughter and don't want him showing up at my place

Even though he lives 30 mins drive away i saw him in my local Sainsbury's other day

he can shop anywhere he likes but i am worried he came to try and bump into me

Dunno what to do now , any advice ladies ? x

OP posts:
ObtuseMoose · 29/11/2024 14:42

You need to go to the police, telling him you're in a relationship isn't going to cut it.

HagsRule · 29/11/2024 14:42

I think you need to report him to the police and get all of the correspondence collated to show them. I wouldn't do it yourself; best to let the police call him.

Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 14:45

I wonder if that's courting for him
rather then harassment
as he is 60 so maybe that's just different generation and i need to explain to him that i see it as harassment, not romantic gestures and "fighting for me " ( he used that phrase before )

Never letting a man pick me
up for a date again , what a mistake , he just won't go away

OP posts:
Mudflaps · 29/11/2024 14:46

You keep saying that the police won't do anything, have you been to the police to find out?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/11/2024 14:47

HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 14:45

I wonder if that's courting for him
rather then harassment
as he is 60 so maybe that's just different generation and i need to explain to him that i see it as harassment, not romantic gestures and "fighting for me " ( he used that phrase before )

Never letting a man pick me
up for a date again , what a mistake , he just won't go away

FGS it's not his age. My dad is 80 and would think he was a psycho.

If the police aren't taking it seriously, DO NOT CALL HIM OR HIS WORK. Just report each time, keep records and escalate a complaint with the police if they continue to do nothing.

Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 14:47

Mudflaps · 29/11/2024 14:46

You keep saying that the police won't do anything, have you been to the police to find out?

yes i been and they won't do anything
they said they will talk to him and still haven't

OP posts:
coffeesaveslives · 29/11/2024 14:47

Don't call him or make any kind of contact with him - you've asked him to stop so you need to go to the police for your own safety now. Don't try and fix this yourself.

HagsRule · 29/11/2024 14:50

Okay so you've been to the police and they've said they will call him. How do you know that they haven't already spoken to him? Do not talk to him, approach him, go to his work, anything. Just continue to log any contact he makes with you and send it to the police. Update the police and tell them that he is continuing to make contact. Keep safe OP, sorry this is happening.x

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/11/2024 14:50

God how awful for you.
Please don’t think this is typical of a 60 year old. Stalking and threats can happen at any age. Many 60 year olds think that young women need treating with care and respect.

Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 14:51

@MrsTerryPratchett okay thank you
i will keep photos , dates etc

I will call the flower company and tell them it's unwanted and not to accept orders from him ( he always uses same )

OP posts:
pimplin · 29/11/2024 14:52

Go back to the police. Her and over again until they do talk to him! Make yourself a nuisance with them! Do they know that you have a young child living with you as well?

Do not call this man! Do not engage with any contact at all!

Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 14:52

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 29/11/2024 14:50

God how awful for you.
Please don’t think this is typical of a 60 year old. Stalking and threats can happen at any age. Many 60 year olds think that young women need treating with care and respect.

he doesn't threaten me just begs for another chance and every so often, it's not daily thing for police to take seriously unfortunately

He never gets aggressive or anything

OP posts:
andweallsingalong · 29/11/2024 14:54

Police said they will talk to him so that is good. Keep reporting until they do and don't be afraid to escalate it by talking to someone more senior or putting in a complaint.

Usual process is:-
You have to clearly say not to ever contact you again or will call police for harassment
Then if he continues the police deliver a PIN that he signs to say he will stop
Then if he continues the police should take criminal action against him as there is now no way he could pretend you wanted contact.

Sadly it takes a while. Stay safe

Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 14:55

HagsRule · 29/11/2024 14:50

Okay so you've been to the police and they've said they will call him. How do you know that they haven't already spoken to him? Do not talk to him, approach him, go to his work, anything. Just continue to log any contact he makes with you and send it to the police. Update the police and tell them that he is continuing to make contact. Keep safe OP, sorry this is happening.x

Because i asked and they said the officer who dealing with complaint is on annual leave and will talk after he is back even though its been month or so since i made a complaint ... So clearly not very important to them

And thank you X

OP posts:
Choosenandenough · 29/11/2024 15:01

You tell him you’re logging every single thing he does and you will be contacting a solicitor, tell him there are sites on social media (there are) where women share information about men like this so no one else falls for their shit and if he contacts you again what you’ll be doing and you’ll be posting his messages on the site etc. Then never, ever answer him again. Ever interest. Not once. Log everything. Don’t start with all the ‘my boyfriend’ it’s just feeding the drama and plushy along even though you don’t jean to. Block him on w rrytyjg. If he still gets through, ignore him on everything. Always ignore. Make sure a friend or family has his details and knows the situation.

itsmeits · 29/11/2024 15:01

@HiImNewE
please don't lie about having a new BF if it's not true. I just had a horrible tingle of this older man killing a bloke he sees you with down the pub - sed bloke being your brother, cousin, colleague, best mates fella you are sorting a surprise party out for your mate with.
Please don't put someone else in the potential firing line.
Don't speak to him, he will send more stuff his head
Send stuff = reaction from you he wins.
Block ignore, return to sender, refuse to accept delivery.
Speak to an solicitor and get them to send a cease and desist letter.
hugs OP can't have been nice receiving more stuff.

ObtuseMoose · 29/11/2024 15:06

HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 14:45

I wonder if that's courting for him
rather then harassment
as he is 60 so maybe that's just different generation and i need to explain to him that i see it as harassment, not romantic gestures and "fighting for me " ( he used that phrase before )

Never letting a man pick me
up for a date again , what a mistake , he just won't go away

Fuck no, that's not what 60 year old men see as courting. Give your head the famous MN wobble, he's harassing you plain and simple.

Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 15:08

itsmeits · 29/11/2024 15:01

@HiImNewE
please don't lie about having a new BF if it's not true. I just had a horrible tingle of this older man killing a bloke he sees you with down the pub - sed bloke being your brother, cousin, colleague, best mates fella you are sorting a surprise party out for your mate with.
Please don't put someone else in the potential firing line.
Don't speak to him, he will send more stuff his head
Send stuff = reaction from you he wins.
Block ignore, return to sender, refuse to accept delivery.
Speak to an solicitor and get them to send a cease and desist letter.
hugs OP can't have been nice receiving more stuff.

omg i haven't thought of that ! My anxiety is over the roof and my mind is racing for solutions, good job i posted or Id do loads of mistakes

I hope he is not capable of murder jesus 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 15:09

Choosenandenough · 29/11/2024 15:01

You tell him you’re logging every single thing he does and you will be contacting a solicitor, tell him there are sites on social media (there are) where women share information about men like this so no one else falls for their shit and if he contacts you again what you’ll be doing and you’ll be posting his messages on the site etc. Then never, ever answer him again. Ever interest. Not once. Log everything. Don’t start with all the ‘my boyfriend’ it’s just feeding the drama and plushy along even though you don’t jean to. Block him on w rrytyjg. If he still gets through, ignore him on everything. Always ignore. Make sure a friend or family has his details and knows the situation.

thank you x

OP posts:
5128gap · 29/11/2024 15:10

Of course it's not what 60 year old men do! I'm a 55 year old woman and can tell you for certainty that men in my generation do not have special dispensation to harass women. We wouldn't have found that acceptable at any stage either. If I were you I'd communicate with him one final time. Tell him you do not want him to contact you ever again. His attentions are unwanted and if they continue meet the definition of harassment and you will report him to the police. You need to do this so if you do report him he can't pretend he didn't realise it was unwanted. Sometimes they try to present it as an argument within a relationship, so its best to have evidence you made yourself clear.

DanceMoveGrooveAndShoutIt · 29/11/2024 15:13

Don't go to his workplace - that will be seen as engaging and antagonising. Your focus should be on being a pain in the arse to the police by not being fobbed off, by reporting it and following it up, by asking them (to put in writing if you can!) what they plan to do about it and when they will do it.

He is deliberately harrassing you, I am afraid he won't stop and you have a daughter to think of as well as yourself. Please please please press the matter with the police.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 29/11/2024 15:13

To answer the question you've asked a few times - no. Its not his generation.
It's him.
He's a creep.

You need to send him one final written message saying all attempts to contact you must stop and if he contacts you again either directly or indirectly, you will report his behaviour to the police as harassment and stalking, which are crimes .

I say this because the police always tell you to tell them to stop before they (the police) do anything so if you can show them you've ready done that and it hasnt helped, it's one less way they can fob you off.

Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 15:16

5128gap · 29/11/2024 15:10

Of course it's not what 60 year old men do! I'm a 55 year old woman and can tell you for certainty that men in my generation do not have special dispensation to harass women. We wouldn't have found that acceptable at any stage either. If I were you I'd communicate with him one final time. Tell him you do not want him to contact you ever again. His attentions are unwanted and if they continue meet the definition of harassment and you will report him to the police. You need to do this so if you do report him he can't pretend he didn't realise it was unwanted. Sometimes they try to present it as an argument within a relationship, so its best to have evidence you made yourself clear.

That's what i thought maybe i need to put it in writing again .

He will just say to police he sent book and chocolates as gift for 8th bday and thought it's a nice gesture, no malicious intentions and flowers for me , so i need to let him know again it's all unwanted and will be reported

I'm worried , he never met my daughter so he doesn't care about her but he remembers her bday to use it as excuse for more stuff being sent to my address

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 29/11/2024 15:17

I hope you threw the chocolates away.

Original poster
HiImNewE · 29/11/2024 15:20

Thank you for everyone for answering that it's not age- it's him
I was desperately clutching for excuses as realising that you have a stalker is hard , I tried and excuse it or justified it in my mind to calm
myself really

OP posts:
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