Getting annoyed by friend not being resiliency

[Heneryhoover]

Okay I’m going to start by agreeing I am unreasonable but i need to rant.
I have gone through my fair share of sad times in life think SA from 3-14, ran away then sold by another man then abusive relationship a child who nearly died at birth moved to safe houses and currently tempary housing. now I’m nearly 30 and also dying this time I got a degree and I believe I would be described as happy easy going …

my friends many late 20s come to me crying a lot almost always with suicidal ideology due to small reasons such as a breakup or argument with partner. Many of my friends have lived “normal” lives obviously weigh some issues but nothing long lasting many being in good jobs and have good family support.

now I am starting to get annoyed with the way many of my friends will expect me to sit on the phone for hours at night talking them out of suicide because their man has liked a girks picture on instagram or their ex is out in town and they have seen through socials.

i was the biggest believer in you can’t compare truma but I’m starting to think how are they functioning adults when the smallest thing seems to set them off. Also this isn’t just 1 or 2 of my friends I have had this with maybe 10+ friends this last year male and female and I’m starting to think why are people so non resilient. I think I may get triggered as after my son was born I jumped out of a window when I was struggling with postpartum psychosis and I wasn’t texting or ringing friends but due to the worry I wouldn’t have helped and they have killed themselves I have lost so many nights sleep trying to help friends.

has anyone else experienced this and how do I fix my compassion because I am starting to find it more annoying then I have empathy for at this point.

I think you need to take a step back from some of your friends.

I think you have experienced an unusual level of trauma and that can be very isolating.

I think you can maintain close connections with these friends without being available as their emotional sounding board as much as you are. Maybe cut the conversations short. Notice when you are offering more than you can emotionally and aim to prevent those patterns occurring.

I voted unreasonable because it is unreasonable to think other people can't suffer trauma just because it isn't as traumatic as yours and you do acknowledge this to some point. However you can make yourself less available but still maintain a friendship. How much of yourself you give to them is down to you. But don't presume to imagine how others may feel. It isn't a competition.

Make yourself less available. Simples.
Don’t compare.
practice self love and care.

I can empathise OP, I had a horrific childhood too and I struggle with people who seem to have learnt no self regulation or resilience. I try, I know that often it’s my ‘issue’, but not always, some people are just unprepared for adult life, and I struggle to listen to them. All I can suggest is that you pick friends who you have more in common with.

I think when you've been through something like what you've been through, you can end up being a magnet for these type of people. Eventually, you realise they are not like you, they are not moving on and growing and getting better, they are just stuck in this same cycle of constant drama forever. They wouldn't be there for you if you needed them really, and if you were going through some shit right now, they would somehow turn the conversation back to them. And then when you see them this way, you eventually let them go and move on and start finding friends who are more balanced but less intense. Or you try to "stand by them" and get stuck in the same cycle as them forever.

I had about 5 of these sort of people that I thought were friends at one point. When I realised how one-sided it truly was, I chose to let them all go and keep moving forwards.

Your dying and did a degree? That bit is confusing.

You need to realise everyday people haven't been through anything like you have so to them a break up for example is the worst thing they've ever experienced- if you can't accept that and support them anyway then you need to be prepared to lose friends and maybe find some who can be 'fair weather' friends only so they won't talk to you about their bad times.

Your own past is irrelevant here, and it’s not fair to anyone to do ‘comparative trauma’. If you broke a leg and they twisted their ankle, it doesn’t make their pain any less. The issue here isn't your compassion fatigue but you making yourself endlessly available for phone calls. Take control back. Be less available. Turn your phone off. Say ‘I need to go now, X. Talk to you soon.’

I'm not dying Ijust meant after my struggles I went and got a degree and turned my life around

The issue isn't your past, it's that they are dumping their emotions on you without making changes to improve the situation. I'd find that intolerable too and I've had a totally normal upbringing.You're incompatible as friends so best to phase them out and move on with your life.

No I’m sorry, it does, there is no comparison between an arguement with a boyfriend and being sexually abused from the age of 3. They are worlds apart and to suggest the pain is just as bad, minimises the huge impact of child abuse.

I agree and believe me it's not I'm trying to compete truma sometimes the smaller things actually hurt more and I do understand that. I think I'm just more annoyed at giving my time and also how many young people jump to suicide when they are faced with any issue. One of my friends was ringing me up none stop because his ex was in town and he couldn't rest and I was thinking this is almost abuse to her as she is allowed to live her life and your threatening suicide over it! I think I just had enough this morning I understand this thread doesn't sound nice I just needed to rant I think

I would be trying to understand why you are drawn to a friendship circle with so many others who have these issues. It’s really not usual to have so many friends that behave this way.

I have lots of random friends I have met in different places rather then we are all friends (some have never rang me crying) but many have. This is kind of the answer I wanted because I started to think it was all young people x

I’ve not experienced anything like that level of trauma, but having lost a parent when I was 21 and dealt with years of infertility and mcs, it is quite frankly one of the hardest parts of my job as an HE lecturer and HoD to deal with students who cannot cope with an assignment deadline or deal sensibly with a falling out with friends.

I have never let my frustration show. Students rate me very highly for support. Where I think it’s needed and might work, I have suggested ways to improve resilience and some have taken those suggestions on board - so I’ve had some success.

But - my main response has been to try my best to send my DSs out into the world able to accept their responsibilities, behave well towards others, and generally get on with things. I’m a coper as is DH - our two both seem to be as well. I don’t know how much of that is genetics or upbringing, but ours were made to stick at something that they’d promised to do, and expected to spend some time with elderly visitors, having been given some tips on what to talk to them about etc. All my DNs have been brought up similarly- so they can all make at least some polite conversation- before scooting off upstairs.

I’d not be able to cope with repeated conversations about someone’s bad relationship- I have to admit. After a while, I’d wonder why she hasn’t bollocked him or kicked him out. I struggle with endless moaning and lack of action. There’s no way I could ever be a counsellor- I’d probably be sacked.

I also think given your own past trauma it’s perfectly fine to decide you can’t be the listening ear for every other person’s troubles and woes.

I totally get you. Fellow trauma survivor here.

having had many many years on this planet iv worked out ways to cope with exactly this aspect and why is yet another in a myriad of tiny tiny ways why “we” are just fundamentally different from most other people.

the biggest thing I can pass onto you though is
change your mindset because the annoyance and anger only hurts you and further makes you different and other from the rest of the world you do this partly because

1, early 20’s is young so don’t be surprised as they haven’t been forced to learn the true skills or resilience yet in fact you are watching them learn what we were forced to learn at a massively young age. You are basically watching them do what we did years ago but in response to much smaller things (compared to the type of trauma we are talking about) but it’s still pain and maybe not to us but to most young adults these are big experiences and lessons.

2’ it’s not their fault, while you don’t have to be their sole sounding board and noone should be using you to vomit their pain on remember even though to you some of these things are petty, it is part of their life and you are their friend so as long as it is only one small part of a bigger healthy equal friendship that eventually once they learn things will likely calm down.

take a big step back and properly look at your friendships.
some might actually be toxic or very much take take take and never give and they can go

some are just that you are at different stages at the moment but they will catch up so if it is good in other ways, keep.

Be really honest if some of this is actually you enabling people to use you as agony aunt because you haven’t put in health boundaries. (I know I did and because I seemed so worldly and wise due to my experiences I was seen as a safe pair of hands)

I do have friend from a lot of backgrounds but il be honest (but this isn’t the case for anyone) I personally have found over the years that the friends I have that I feel close to it turned out we had something similar in childhood or real understanding of trauma.

i have lots of friends, good friends that I adore bit they are closer to me and parts of me can’t be in those friendships but I have found I feel closest and most understood, and with the friends I have found have trauma or have a real understanding of it (support workers or trauma support specialists etc) too.
i didn’t know beforehand often but as the years have gone by and the friendships grew iv found out. So iv worked out the pattern now iv got a lot of years to look back to.

I do understand what you are saying. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I also find it hard to deal with people who over react to very minor problems.
The friends you have don’t sound great. Constant threats of suicide over minor things are usually just people using words for shock value and to manipulate you. Someone really suicidal is unlikely to phone you ranting like that, they are more likely to disappear off radar. I think you need to focus your energy on the friends that don’t behave like this, and quietly drop the ones who do this to you.

This is sort of what I was getting at. It's very easily done when you have past trauma as you can feel like you've got more in common with other people who seem to have trauma, too, until it turns out they just have dramatic personalities.

I mean really OP, anyone with decent boundaries knows it's not ok to phone their friend at stupid o'clock at night over a breakup; they're not respecting you, this is what I mean about it being one-sided. But someone with healthy boundaries wouldn't answer the phone at that time, either.

Sometimes people struggle with resilience and regulation due to neurodivergence as well as trauma. For example common for people with ADHD to struggle with emotional dysregulation (even over small triggers)

It’s not that it doesn’t sound nice, it’s that this situation is a result of your own choices. You choose to take these calls. You choose to stay on these calls for hours. You choose to have lax boundaries about how you spend your evenings. These are things which are within your gift to change!

Sorry to add more!

don’t forget you don’t actually know if some of these people or friends in the future don’t have trauma. Some people never tell they bury it deep, so deep noone would ever guess.

iv had people in my life I’d have put money on having easier times than me only to find out many years later they were survivors too but it took 20-30-40 years for them to get to a place where they could share that.

You are right, lots of people lack resilience.

Regarding listening to friends moan, I think it depends on whether those same friends are there for you when you need them. If every conversation is about them and their feelings, I would withdraw. If they are good friends, ask about you, help you when you need a hand, listen when you need an ear, then you should probably reciprocate if you can or redirect them to counselling services if you think theyneed more help.

They are entitled to their feelings but you don't have to agree with, or more importantly listen to them. If they ring you crying just say something like "I'm not in a good place myself now so can't listen to this without bringing myself down" or "I'm sorry I dont have the emotional resilience to help at the moment." Or "this is triggering me and I have to end the call"

Basically if they are into their feelings and emotional welfare speak then throw it back at them. It doesnt have to be true but tbh there is a baseline of honesty in it because listening to them clearly is bringing you down. If they don't listen and keep talking then they aren't good friends and you can dump them without feeling guilty.

You know its very unlikely they will actually kill themselves over something so minor and even if the worst happens and they did it is very unlikely that a phone call with you would have been the one thing that would have stopped them.

They are not suicidal, they've spent too much time on-line surrounded by hyperbole.

One of the lines I use with this kind of friend, is to say "I don't think this is helping, put your phone down and go and have a bath/rest/relax." Then just say things like "you are winding yourself up, stop now and see how you feel tomorrow." You can actually help them by providing perspective in this way, more than just sending endless reassuring platitudes. Don't try and engage with them about the (non) issue, instead just focus on their reaction and feelings.

However, I don't agree with the sentiment: "If you broke a leg and they twisted their ankle, it doesn’t make their pain any less." We don't give out morphine to people with splinters, even if they cry, there is an objective measure of pain as well as the subjective reaction. I would be perfectly comfortable saying (if they'd had a fall) that they were lucky to get off with only a twisted ankle.